12.28.2003

 

[e last broadcast]

fri was the last ever instalment of x'ho's groovisions show on 99.5. it's e second time his shows have been axed.. passion 99.5 is closing for good on tue 30th dec. why? is the local music scene so dead?

its still downright difficult to find local albums. ive been searching for 3 for eons now - ger's on my own, zircon gov pawnstarz' Follywood and e Observatory's Time of Rebirth.. only TODAY, NOW, do i finally get my paws on the first (ger's on my own). hmv simply doesn't carry a wide selection of local music, and neither do all the small shops. it's just not commercially viable. my heart and spirit still lie with tower for daring to stock them.

feeling extremely disaffected now - there's just nothing to sustain my interest, nothing to look forward to, no challenge to work towards. not hurt nor injured. spent. spent, empty, goal-less. after a lifetime of exams (not that im going to see the end of exams for me anytime soon.. it's just a temporary respite) things are just so strange when you no longer have fixed, discernable goals and aims. i've lost my guiding light, and i need to find it again.

Doves - e Last Broadcast

---

I was thinking about what you said
I was thinking about shame
The funny thing how you said
Cause it's better not to stay
Sure enough if you feel nothing
You're better off this way
Gets to the point where you can't breathe
It's the last word
I can see it standing

So here we are
At the last broadcast
Here we are
Our last broadcast

Sun on faces made us feel alive
The colours of the sky
Southern trees, made us enemies
Who knows the reason why?
You can't escape yourself
You can't just fall away
It comes to the point when you feel nothing
This is the last time
Cause I can see it in your eyes

So here we are
At the last broadcast
Here we are
Our last broadcast

This is
The last broadcast
Here we are
Our last broadcast

---

special doublebill
dubstar - stars

---

Is it asking too much to be given time
to know these songs and to sing them
Is it asking too much of my vacant smile
and my laugh and lies that bring them

But as the stars are going out
and this stage is full of nothing
and the friends have all but gone
for my life my god I'm singing

We'll take our hearts outside
Leave our lives behind
I'll watch the stars go out

Is it asking too much of my favorite friends
to take these songs for real
Is it asking too much of my partner's hands
to take these songs real

Is it asking too much
Is it asking too much...

timestamp: anonymous 11:42 0 comments

12.24.2003

 

[peace, love and joy]

after another year of waiting with bated breath, it's christmas all over again!

don't know why but i feel especially christmas-sy this year, been making gifts left right centre.. cute gifts, meaning ugly but (hopefully) endearing. (it also means im broke...) it's kind of like the baby blues christmas strip - the one where they realise, on xmas eve, that they forgot to post xmas cards. this year i didnt forget - i was just plain broke. not to mention lazy, i could have, but i had other things to do. honest!

and it's kind of strange that i feel this christmas-sy. it hasn't exactly been a great year for the world in general, what with sars, the war in iraq, and now, BSE in the states as well. on xmas eve, of all days.. it's not easy for me to say this so i don't say it in person, but i might as well say it here, i have a nasty feeling (nv)CJD ['human' mad cow disease] will claim me cos ive eaten too much beef when it was susceptible, where it was susceptible. i din know canada had a case in may (think it was the height of sars season then, could have been easily overlooked) and goodness knows how much canadian beef ive consumed.

given the kinds of things we do in modern agriculture its really not all that surprising that these weird diseases crop up to haunt us. i mean, forced cannibalism? anyway it leads in nicely to this link i recieved through email and am too lazy to forward: The Meatrix.. no, it's not that parody with kung-fu fighting cows.

that sounded quite daft didnt it?

can't help it. been thinking too much about passing on, and strangely enough im not feeling morbid or anything. you couldn't tell - im really happy and at peace with myself, everything.. no, it's mainly due to what ive been reading and seeing - i must admit i have a very lay response to return of the king (don't kill me!!!), by which i mean i think about it in terms of war, sacrifice, duty, etc. it's more of a broader perspective of war - how it affects you and the people around you, the people you love and so on - than the very psychologically introspective black hawk down, which tended to focus on the individual [combatant's] response to war. plus, i recieved mitch albom's the five people you meet in heaven for xmas and no prizes for guessing what that's about. i can only hope that ive touched peoples' lives in such ways.. it also brings the whole butterfly-effect thing into perspective by showing how seemingly small, random misdemeanours (e.g. dropping bottles off an overpass) can drastically affect peoples' lives.

but no, im still really cheery and stuff. not much in terms of presents this year, but plenty in terms of goodwill from the people who matter, and that's all i could ask for. (my lists are inevitably getting shorter and shorter, and no, theyre not increasing in monetary value either..) i dunno why i blogged so much about mortality. it doesnt really fit with the holiday.. but thats what you get when you blog stream-of-consciousness. no point editing. so much for the warm and fuzzy post.

merry xmas to you and your family, wherever you are. may we all have a better year to come. =>

PS. im currently raving over Tiny Mix Tapes. it's a really cool site, though i havent heard of 80% of the songs they feature..

PPS. i really really like this britney xmas song i heard on the radio. it's not cheesy like some of her other recent ... efforts (for want of a better word). it's this song... calista flockhart's cover of "santa baby" and michael buble's cover of "let it snow" that's stuck in my head this holiday season. let it snow let it snow let it snow!!

Britney Spears - My Only Wish (This Year)

---

Oh yeah yeah...
Last night I took a walk in the snow,
Couples holdin hands, places to go,
Seems like everyone but me is in love
Santa can you hear me?
I signed my letter that I sealed with kiss,
I sent it off, it just said this:
"I know exactly what I want this year"
Santa can you hear me?
I want my baby, baby
I want someone to love me, someone to hold,
Maybe Maybe,
He'll be all my own in a big red bow
Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing,
Tell me my true love is here
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here
Santa that's my only wish this year

Yeahh...
Christmas Eve, I just can't sleep
Would I be wrong for takin a peek
Cuz I heard that you're comin to town
Santa can you hear me?
I really hope that you're on your way
With something special for me in your sleigh
Oh please make my wish come true,
Santa can you hear me?
I want my baby, baby
I want someone to love me, someone to hold
Baby, baby, baby
We'll be all alone under the mistletoe
Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year,
All I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is here
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here
Santa that's my only wish this year

I hope my letter reaches you in time, (oh yeah)
Bring me love I can call all mine (oh yeah)
Cuz I have been so good this year, (oh oh)
Can't be alone under the mistletoe,
He's all I want in a big red bow

Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is near
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here,
Santa that's my only wish this year
Ahh ahh ahh
Oh Santa, can you hear me...?
Oh Santa, well he's all I want
Just for me, underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here,
Santa that's my only wish this year
Santa that's my only wish this year

---

merry xmas. =)

timestamp: anonymous 18:06 0 comments

11.24.2003

 

[hiberNation]

seems like an eternity since i last blogged. you know how it is - when youre busy you just don't have the time to blog. then things add up at a phenomenal rate (since you're busy lots of things must have happened right?) and before long there's such an enormous backlog you just don't feel compelled to pen any of it down anymore.

on the other hand, it also means that ive more or less been cured of my blog addiction. it's certainly been months since i last checked *anybody's* blog (yes indeedy, i have been that busy) so forgive me cos im extremely out of date on what any of you have been doing!

ill just focus on one thing, the central thread behind most of whatever's happened, anyways. ive been gravitating towards the telecommuting lifestyle - the one in which you can work anytime, anyplace, surf the web from wherever, yadda yadda. only that i don't have a wireless card, nor do i intend to buy one anytime soon (broadband is ubiquitous in cam but, strangely enough, not wireless access. another one of those eternal mysteries of life..)

so in the past month and a half, ive taken apart my old notebook - and i do mean down to component level - cos it was malfunctioning, become a sim lim kid, bought a second hand laptop for $1400 against the advice of just about everybody who had an opinion, decided on the spur of the moment to plonk another $700 on repairing the old one after the manufacturer offered to buy it back from me for $50.. and then tried [trying!] to sell off the secondhand laptop, since new ones are only about $2199. that's been quite an adventure.. esp navigating the depths of online auctions. also against the advice of everybody who had an opinion.

i can safely conclude that i am nowhere nearer to adulthood than i was a year ago. normally that's a good thing, but knowing that i no longer have the benefit of one more year to actually become independent makes it a very bad thing.

recieved my first personal invitation to a wedding dinner, somehow it's very different when you're the one that's invited and not your family as a whole. it makes you feel so much older (NOT necessarily grown-up) .. and poorer, too. i won't soon forget how some of my friends and colleagues are scraping the barrel to come up with cash for the customary red packets. that aside, it's also a time when all the friendster links come out - when you realise that you actually know so-and-so's friend/cousin/etc. the dinner itself was quite a big thing - 30+ or 40 tables. i quite doubt that i have that many friends!

on the other hand, im also feeling very christmas-sy. put up the tree with all the decorations - admittedly, not much, but its the thought that counts - for the first time in a decade or so. it's the first time in that long that i'll be home for xmas, and it's also likely to be the last time in many more years to come.

Nelly Furtado - Powerless (Say What You Want)

---

Paint my face in your magazines
Make it look whiter than it seems
Paint me over with your dreams
Shove away my ethnicity
Burn every notion that I may have a flame inside to fight
And say just what is on my mind
Without offending your might

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
So say what you want
Say what you want

I saw her face outside today
Weatherworn, looking all the rage
They took her passion and her gaze and made a poster
Now it's moccasins we sport
We take the culture and contort
Perhaps only to distort what we are hiding

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
But say what you want
Say what you want

Hey you, the one outside, are you ever gonna get in, get in
Hey you, the one that don't fit in, how ya, how ya gonna get in
Hey you, the one outside, are you ever gonna get in with your
Broken teeth, broken jaw, broken mojo
Yeah, this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless, what are you gonna do

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless, what are you gonna do

timestamp: anonymous 20:02 0 comments

10.19.2003

 

[have you ever been mellow?]

lately ive been feeling very mellow - not the genial and graceful mellowing that comes with age (and hopefully maturity, often there's no link between the two) but the kind of hollow feeling you get when you feel disjointed. it's as though my very intensity has been bled out of me.. and looking back on events it's probably very much a work-induced thing.

you know the drill: when you have multiple bosses, each of which wants things done his or her way, you often wind up doing the same thing over and over again - and as though that wasn't promethean enuf theres often a tongue-lashing to boot.. so it's more of the why-should-i-bother-anymore response.

it's also partly to blame on my recent cd selection: Norah Jones' Come Away with Me, a blues collection and Lisa Ono's Best 1997-2001. all nice soothing stuff, and very unfortunately, without any semblance of an experimental edge to them. im sticking very much closer to gilles peterson's selections in future.

there's hardly any fire in this post, either. now, im just a little lost lamb. hopefully ill find myself again soon.

but if there's anything worth championing, its this:
the BBC intends to publish all its archives of radio material etc on the web as open source material.

timestamp: anonymous 07:47 0 comments

9.27.2003

 

[superproducers]

i had to post this article from the September Wired (11.10) about Superproducers.. the new breed of producers who are becoming superstars in their own right, who have the ability to make, break, or remake - as in the case of justin timberlake with the ever-superb Neptunes - artistes.

also worth checking from the same issue - a piece on the Iranian twins, Ladan & Lalleh.

they also make retro cool again, as with my current fave track by the equal-parts bootlegger and producer extrodinaire, Richard X:

Richard X ft Deborah Evans-Strickland - Walk On By
(cover of the Carpenters' Walk on By)

---

If you see me walking down the street
And I start to cry each time we meet
Walk on by, walk on by

Make believe
that you don't see the tears
Just let me grieve
in private 'cause each time I see you
I break down and cry
And walk on by (don't stop)
And walk on by (don't stop)
And walk on by

I just can't get over losing you
And so if I seem broken and blue
Walk on by, walk on by

Foolish pride
Is all that I have left
So let me hide
The tears and the sadness you gave me
When you said goodbye
Walk on by
and walk on by
and walk by (don't stop)

Walk on by, walk on by
Foolish pride
Is all that I have left
So let me hide
The tears and the sadness you gave me
When you said goodbye
Walk on by (don't stop)
and walk on by (don't stop)
and walk by (don't stop)

---

nb lyrics taken from dionne warwick's cover. so its only an approximation..

timestamp: anonymous 19:17 0 comments

9.26.2003

 

[OMG]

blockquote-

---

30 June 2003 press releases 2003

MUZIK MAGAZINE TO CLOSE

IPC ignite! is to close its monthly dance magazine, Muzik, with effect from the August issue on sale July 9.

Advertisement and copy sale revenues have declined in parallel with the decline of this sector of the Music market, to the point that the title is no longer economically viable.

Tim Brooks, managing director of IPC ignite! – which also publishes the market-leading rock weekly NME and the award-wining music & movies monthly Uncut - says: “We have a very talented and dedicated team on Muzik, and I want to thank them all for their hard work and their grace under pressure. Sadly, nothing they could do in isolation was going to turn around this sector of the Music market. Just like the broader Music industry of which we’re proud to be a part, we have to channel our resources to where the consumers are.”

The closure will result in no more than ten redundancies, and every effort will be made to find alternative jobs for all those affected.

For further information, please contact Julie York, director of corporate communications, IPC Media, Tel: 020 7261 5880 or Email: julie_york@ipcmedia.com

---

this cant be happening..
not when i was going to go over and start a direct debit subscription, which would have meant no queuing at newstands, no worries about missing the latest, greatest issue (i missed the one with the zouk cd, mind) plus a free cd to boot. hot damn. now what will i do when im there?

no wonder i din find muzik at kino last week. and on a more sinister note, ministry is back.. trashy as ever. but still with a free cd. it remains to be seen if my craving for a free cd every month wins out over championing responsible journalism.

on a related note, i realise, to my horror, that nobody has mourned the passing of the Selecta, the syndicated weekly showcase of brit music (never pop!!) sponsored by the British Council and locally-fronted by jean danker. now my saturdays are that much darker. =(

ive also just been informed, at the last minute, that i will be subbing as a competitive runner for tuesday's cross-country trail since a few of my frens bowed out (due to illness... and i was the one who sent them to the medical centre, natch). i shall make history by being the slowest competitive runner in the history of the unit.. if not the world!

just cant help but feel incredibly optimistic. wow. =\

timestamp: anonymous 18:09 0 comments

9.11.2003

 

PowerPoint (TM) is evil

food for thot.

also: compare with Learning to Love PowerPoint (TM)

(but theyre really about different things..)

timestamp: anonymous 19:33 0 comments

8.24.2003

 

[pawnstarz]

it is not by chance that i obsess about music - whatever catches my fancy - and the name x'ho keeps cropping up. he is by no means the only one keeping it real, who isnt afraid to sacrifice a little material wealth to live his dreams, but the most identifiable. you cant really argue very much about how interesting a heavily-tattooed, ex-mohawk-sporting dj is in our still-cloistered society. but this time sheer coincidence has made him the subject of my post at a time when his new band pawnstarz, or zircon gov. pawnstarz, in its full and unabridged glory, just made the cover story of yesterday's ST Life!.

i happened to be shopping at HMV earlier on in the week where i came across x'ho's second(?) and most recent book, Attack of the SM Space Encroachers in the magazines section right next to my beloved Muzik. and one copy was open, so i flipped through. and it struck me as being some sort of op-ed social commentary in bite-sized nuggets. in other words, a blog, in the real vernacular of the heartlands, hokkien and all, in print. but something deep and idealistic in me reacted against the idea of buying somebody else's blog, and i passed the book on for Bjork's Greatest Hits, The Flaming Lips' Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots and the latest copy of Muzik.

which leads me in nicely into the age-old dilemma of what tom friedman calls 'glocalisation' (converted from the americanized spelling).. the challenge of retaining one's own cultural roots, embodied by olive trees, in the face of globalisation and the things it brings about, represented (quite aptly, too) by a lexus. so its about the lexus vs the olive tree - and i wonder if i am selling out by paying good money to support, in turn, an established international artist (who somehow still cuts it as alternative), an upstart but critically-acclaimed american band who embrace japanese culture , and a pan-european publishing conglomerate, instead of a struggling local musician whose opinion and taste i have the utmost respect for (even if he goes overboard on the Chicks on Speed.. a little overrated in my opinion).

that was on wed night. the very next day, i was shocked to hear that passion 99.5 was going to be pulled off the air by Dec because the National Arts Council decided it wasnt cost effective. well, not just the arts station, but also the arts magazine. a magazine is a magazine, but a station! its been around for 6 years - the entire duration ive actually been addicted to radio - the station that champions local music and arts events - where i get my nightly jazz fix (no doubt heavily influenced by gilles peterson) - which took x'ho under its wing and let him present groovevisions after hip parade got canned by perfect 10 - its a much more vibrant, living, breathing entity than any magazine. and its something id gladly pay taxes to support.

come friday morning, newsradio 938 had a segment where people called in with their views about the imminent closure of passion 99.5, and i was quite peeved at the people who obviously hadnt heard about the station and didnt quite give a damn about it but who still called up voicing their very general support for the arts. if theres anything i cant stand its pretension, and i really begin to wonder how many people DID listen to passion 99.5 in the first place.

as carrie chong said about the 'underground' St Johns' Powerhouse rave party - "you can't say that in singapore!! nothing is underground except for.. the mrt!" i dont expect pirate radio to crop up, catering to the 99.5 niche - even though some aspects of the listenership undoubtably fit the demographic who would try - given the furore over the indonesian pirate radio stations who literally broadcasted offshore, via ship. (come to think of it i dont really know what happened, i only know it existed..)

it's a very long ramble, i know, but the basic point im trying to get at is if i can pass up x'ho's book for imported music (no matter how alternative or counterculture it is), how can passion 99.5 survive? and how can anything other than fine art - for which there will always be an established niche, whether its among the noveau riche or those with old money - ever survive (not flourish, mind, SURVIVE..) here, where pragmatism reigns supreme over everything else?


Tanya Chua - Wu2 Di3 Dong4

---

---

sometimes i think i think too much. and i begin to see the inherent simplicity and truth in zen philosophy (or what i understand by the loose usage of the term) and about learning organisations.. how the harder you push the more likely youre not going to get there. how you have to be not looking for something, but ready for it all the same, for it to drop into your lap.

timestamp: anonymous 16:31 0 comments

8.17.2003

 

[lost]

i have recently rediscovered the thrills of just letting everything go and succumbing to mindless hedonism. in short: Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 (THPS3) .. at a playstation near you.

Motorhead - Ace of Spades (from THPS3 OST)

---

If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man
You win some, lose some, it's all the same to me
The pleasure is to play, makes no difference what you say
I don't share your greed, the only card I need is
The Ace Of Spades
The Ace Of Spades

Playing for the high one, dancing with the devil,
Going with the flow, it's all a game to me,
Seven or Eleven, snake eyes watching you,
Double up or quit, double stake or split,
The Ace Of Spades
The Ace Of spades

You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools,
But that's the way I like it baby,
I don't wanna live forever,
And don't forget the joker!

Pushing up the ante, I know you've got to see me,
Read 'em and weep, the dead man's hand again,
I see it in your eyes, take one look and die,
The only thing you see, you know it's gonna be,
The Ace Of Spades

---

other than that, im hopelessly lost.

timestamp: anonymous 14:31 0 comments

8.05.2003

 

[out of the loop]

i always pride myself on being connected - wired - in the know. come september 11, i heard the news off the radio, while preparing for prelims, then promptly went to switch on CNN and CNA on tv. but today, im totally clueless about the jakarta bombings.

been in a holiday mood for most of the day. pep talk in the morning from my boss (at around the time of the blast, come to think of it.. we switched the office radio off for that..), then settling some last minute admin before going for a national education trip lasting the entire afternoon - the [racial] harmony trail. quite interesting actually, visited labrador park, the silat rd gurdawara (Sikh temple), jame rd mosque and the ura gallery (where they display the masterplans for development.. last one was in 2001 and let me tell you its quite a shock seeing how big tekong is supposed to be, or seeing residential development on tekong (what, bmtc?!) or even *contemplating* joining tekong and ubin to the mainland via a road..) then popping over to funan to grab a screen protector for my palm (which is beginning to get scratches due to increasingly frequent usage).

in short, things were looking good, and for once i seemed to be on the verge of integrating a PDA into my life, something ive been trying unsuccessfully to do since march. but this bombing kinda snaps me out of this dreamy state and back into the murky uncertainties and threats that lurk in every corner of the real world.

basically this just means trouble with a capital T.. back to increased vigilance again. theres a human limit to how long you can function on heightened alertness for. for starters adrenaline only has a short-acting effect (again, dont ask me to substantiate, im padding away here) simply because the body cannot afford to keep up the energy-consuming fight or flight reflex. um, something like that (ive lost that much since i came in). of course theres something to be said about being vigilant all the time, but its just not humanly possible. so now its not just SARS we have to watch out for but terrorism too.

somehow the bali bombing didnt hit home so hard cos no countrymen/women were affected. this time its different. this sort of sounds like a cheesy storyline off "on the frontlines", that ch U drama on terrorism.. which they had to write an editorial about in life. good grief. but i digress. ill be totally tied up with all the measures i anticipate we'll be putting into place.. if my normal work isnt bad enough.

i do suspect that the few people out there still playing C&C: Generals will soon stop, not only because the Warcraft III expansion set The Frozen Throne is out, but also because it's no longer politically correct to wield suicide-bombing terrorists and car bombs as a GLA commander in Generals. what troubled times we live in..

The Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the Devil (Remix)

---

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith
And I was 'round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

I stuck around St. Petersburg
When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the czar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain
I rode a tank
Held a general's rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah

I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the gods they made
I shouted out,
"Who killed the Kennedys?"
When after all
It was you and me
Let me please introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for troubadours
Who get killed before they reached Bombay

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what's confusing you
Is just the nature of my game

Just as every cop is a criminal
And all the sinners saints
As heads is tails
Just call me Lucifer
'Cause I'm in need of some restraint
So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well - learned politesse
Or I'll lay your soul to waste, um yeah

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, um yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, um mean it, get down
Woo, who
Oh yeah, get on down
Oh yeah
Oh yeah!

Tell me baby, what's my name
Tell me honey, can ya guess my name
Tell me baby, what's my name
I tell you one time, you're to blame
Ooo, who
Ooo, who
Ooo, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who

Oh, yeah
What's me name
Tell me, baby, what's my name
Tell me, sweetie, what's my name
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Oh, yeah

---

i think i missed my original point about being disjointed somewhere along the way. but part of the reason why im so unsettled is cos i din hear about it til my immediate superior called me up this evening after i got home. imagine - from 1100 all the way to 2000 i was blissfully unawares! sigh.

timestamp: anonymous 15:59 0 comments

8.04.2003

 

[fm dreamz]

given how tired i [always!] am, its surprising that my brain can still find the time to dream nowadays. and strangely enough there's a recurring motif; ive dreamt of it at least twice that i can remember - well you know how it is, you always dream much more than you can remember.

anyway it involves this pile on a low table to the left of the table in my room.. i keep dreaming that theres this huge pile of stuff on it and im trying to clear it and somewhere at the bottom i find a pad of blue rgs foolscap (is it even blue coloured?) and im really puzzled as to why its there (in the dream). and i ostensibly set off to write a letter on it.. but that's my conscious conjecture of what i do next. in truth that very spot is taken up by my audio equipment.. including my beloved radio-discman which forms the centre of entertainment in my room. which incidentally is gradually playing second fiddle to my 5.1 speakers and portable radio-stereo in the study..

but i digress. i have absolutely no idea why this keeps coming back.. should go off and read some Freud or something.

Beth Orton - Paris Train

---

Now you're sitting on a Paris train
Laughin' at your own jokes again
Sun splits the trees into beautiful broken light
Never cry more tears than you could hold in your hands
When all the world's airbrushed
It's a sacred bond of trust

Sometimes
Sometimes
I see right through the scenery
The first place that's on my mind
The last place I find each time

Sometimes
I swim beyond the scenery
The last place that's on my mind
The first place I find each time

Now I'm sitting on a Paris train
Molten ash falls like rain
Fire burns the trees
It's a beautiful fatality
I love the way you stand your ground
Sea moves as mercury
To break its perfect skin
To dare to die from within

Sometimes
Sometimes
I see much more than's good for me
The first thing that's on my mind
The last place I look each time

Sometimes
I slip inside imagery
And the last thing that's on my mind's
The first thing I'll do each time
Each time
Each time

Stars racing to burn out
Just stars racing to burn out
A storm beginning to break
Trees standing black against the sky
This was inevitable
This was inevitable

Sometimes
Sometimes
We can see beyond our history
The last place you hope to find
The one that's been there all the time

Sometimes
Sometimes
We can swim beyond the scenery
The first place that's on your mind
The first place you'd find each time
Each time
Each time
Each time
Each time

Stars racing to burn out
The storm beginning to break
This was inevitable
This was inevitable
Inevitable

---

timestamp: anonymous 13:15 0 comments

8.02.2003

 

[dem tings]

there's really been nothing remotely worth blogging about these past few weeks - but mingy sums up my emotions, correct as of now, best -

whatever Music blasting through the headphones. I'm still the same. Loud music never affects my sleep. I do not know. I feel that its really like back to my JC days. The tired and busy. No matter how much I change, i'm still the old me. Its just so easy to revert back. But its ok to be.

there comes a point when you don't really know what you're doing with your life - no aims, no objectives, no things to look forward to, just aimless hedonism. if it doesnt land me in trouble with my boss(es) it sure will land me in hot soup by this time next year if i cant snap out of it - the dreaded extended-holiday attitude spilling over into uni (horrors!)

some very rational part of me says dont sweat the small stuff. the human brain has an uncanny ability to focus all your worrying (read: time and energy) on whatever seems like it's so earth-shattering it'll mar the rest of your life if you dont do it right - stuff like the PSLE, Os, common test, prelims, As.. but on hindsight they really arent that impt. where you get your degree from isnt as important as the process; what techniques you learn in the lab arent as important as the ideas, the grounding and the spirited defence of your ideas to your peers since techniques come and go. try as i may i cant shake it off. maybe this has to do with our wonderful education system? but then that would just be shifting the blame. sometimes i wonder if the new straight-through (secondary to jc direct, bypassing Os) system works out better for everybody in general. (dont expect me to substantiate this, though. havent thought enuf about it)

Grand Theft Auto 3 OST (Head Radio) - If You Dont Change

---

Forgive me, but I didn't do anything wrong.
So sue me, if you think the teacher had the life.
Forget me, if you don't think your friend is your enemy.
Because it's always been your innocence.

You sit, you shy, you withstood it.
You censor your life for your benefit.
But you lose all the taste.
And you sit there and waste.
Your day, your month, your year.

Nothing stays, they pass you by.
If you don't change, If you don't change.

Tell me, will you always be the same.
Oh maybe, kick yourself and play the game.
You ask me, what it is youre doing wrong.
You hesitate, you stand there and you should know.

(Pre-Chorus)
(Chorus)

---

now listening to reggae - Chris Goldfinger on [BBC] Radio 1. it's all about dem tings...

timestamp: anonymous 15:24 0 comments

7.13.2003

 

[boys be]

"everythings okay??!"

i caught a fragment of the anime series boys be on tvmobile, of all things, yesterday.

"everythings okay?!! you just dont understand!" *girl leaves in a huff*

and it happened not once, but twice - with the aid of flashbacks - to the hapless loser of a protagonist. once with his ex, once with his current, both of whom left him to pursue their dreams.

there seems to be a wave of nostalgia washing over everybody - yesterday was the second class outing ive had in two weeks - both with unprecedently high turnouts. (i use the word 'turnout' with extreme caution these days thanks to its unwelcome implications) maybe its a feeling of disjointedness, trying to put your disparate lives together.. sort of a quarterlife crisis. somebody remarked that it was high time we took more photos cos they regretted not taking enough while back in school. i have no real response to that statement, partly because the most impt times of my life have been captured either in pictures, words or (sadly) certs. from these things alone i can relive the entire experience.. good, bad, warts and all. (they say an elephant never forgets)

warts and all, indeed, because i feel exactly as out of place and unwanted now as i was then. the irony is that i told off my best fren exactly a week ago at the same time for being so antisocial, why he was just hiding in a corner instead of talking to everyone else. somehow i was a social animal a week ago. and one week hence i am once again a wallflower. in real life the opposite was true - i was so much more outgoing in my last school - but now it appears that even that was inadequate. i carry with me the lessons learnt from the grave silences that inevitably punctuate any conversation in which i participate, and even then i havent learnt enough, or done enough about it. i vowed that this wouldnt be the case in jc, look where it's gotten me. i cant possibly repeat that in uni.. though i just might, through sheer inertia.

saturday morning, contemplating life at east coast, i wasnt really talking to my frens - half the time i could hardly hear what they were saying (and this is true no matter where i am, i believe im going deaf) and the remaining half was spent nodding or making little affirmatory mmhmms to reassure them that i was in absolute agreement with whatever they had said.

and the inevitable reunion always brings up the state-of-your-life comparisons. this is something peculiar to the jc civics group cos i have never felt it with my other classes, no matter how bright they are. and i always emerge with an immense sense of worthlessness - why is everybody else accomplishing so much with their lives, when i seem to be not doing anything? okay, correction: why dont i have anything to show for it? why am i not rushing around 24/7 like everybody else? why cant i do cool and impressive things like everybody else? i dont climb mountains, i dont join orientation, i dont go windsurfing, i cant drive, im not busy 24/7...

this is practically begging the question, why everybody else? why bother? but i cant help it. that's an excuse, of course. in reality its one (or more) of the following: a) deep-seated insecurity; b) an extremely competitive nature - but im not sure whether its internal (competing with myself) or external (competing with others).. im not good enough to be competing with myself and my percieved potential anyway.

what am i doing with my life now? nothing. sure, i feel valued where i am, because i have a supportive boss and a relatively supportive big boss. but i also feel that i am not doing anything worthy compared to everybody else, even other NSFs. been bumming around busying myself with urgent, pressing or important things - but never things that i can feel extremely proud of, no skills or sports to learn. i dont belong with the rest of my jc class cos theyre all high fliers and im doing absolutely nothing with my life and ive already forgotten probably 75% of what i used to know, and i probably dont know 90-95% of what they know.

why does everybody else lead such fulfilling and contented lives? living each moment as though it may be their last.. while i fritter my time away on my work or on crappy computer games im not good at anyway, in a futile attempt to improve my skillz. to what end?

my budding type-A personality says theres really no point in showing up for such outings. but im a glutton for punishment. i stick out like graffiti on a freshly-whitewashed wall, unwanted, unwelcome. or perhaps the reverse image is more fitting - a scrap of a heavily-graffitised wall where the original paint shows through. i will drop every last vestige of my former self that has anything to do with being such a misfit because it has become stale, tired and i realise all too well what a loser ive been. no longer. 1 year 2 months to go.

on a distinctly unrelated note, im happy that this year's zouk out is heading in the direction of big happy festivals like homelands, glastonbury or the now-defunct creamfields.. for once, we're having arenas... a host of big names coming down.. multiple-day looooong hours of mayhem.. not that i can be expected to show up, of course. score one for the developing club scene!

Nickelback ft Kid Rock - Saturday Night's Alright (for Fighting)

---

It's getting late have you seen my mates
Ma tell me when the boys get here
It's seven o'clock and I want to rock
Want to get a belly full of beer

My old man's drunker than a barrel full of monkeys
And my old lady she don't care
My sister looks cute in her braces and boots
A handful of grease in her hair

Don't give us none of your aggravation
We've had it with your discipline
Saturday night's alright for fighting
Get a little action in

Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this town alight
`Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright alright alright

Well they're packed pretty tight in here tonight
I'm looking for a woman who'll see me right
I may use a little muscle to get what I need
I may sink a little drink and shout out "She's with me!"

A couple of the sounds that I really like
Are the sounds of a switchblade and a motorbike
I'm a juvenile product of the working class
Whose best friend floats in the bottom of a glass

Don't give us none of your aggravation
We've had it with your discipline
Saturday night's alright for fighting
Get a little action in

Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this town alight
`Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright alright alright

Don't give us none of your aggravation
We've had it with your discipline
Saturday night's alright for fighting
Get a little action in

Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this town alight
`Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright alright alright

Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday night's alright

Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday night's alright

Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday night's alright

---

i meant to put max sedgley's "happy" (nothing like the pop tunes commonly associated with that title) or nathan haines "doot dude" (ft Lyric L).. but i cant even find them on kazaa. or the lyrics. gilles peterson helps keep me sane.

there has to be a systemic reason why im continually dissatisfied with the way im living my life.. but i havent read enough of the book to figure it out yet. in the meantime, everything's peachy.

timestamp: anonymous 14:35 0 comments

6.28.2003

 

[throttle]

my temperament seems to be getting from bad to worse - things that wd hardly have fazed me in the past now genuinely begin to irk me, a hair's breadth away from arousing my ire. of course there's hardly a ripple on the surface but inside im slowly simmering. perhaps this is the price you pay for gradually becoming sharper - your tolerance for counterproductive behaviour largely dissipates. strangely enough this sharpness, of late, comes more from driving than from work, though i can foresee that soon enough my work *will* school me in catching all the smallest details (literally that or bust).. [ on my first drive off the circuit (hence on the road, by elimination) i missed a ped on the opposite side of the street at a box junction. no longer! hopefully.. ]

as always, attitude is the number one reason why my blood boils. poor performance is tolerable, if not completely understandable, on a case by case basis but there is never an excuse for having a poor attitude, which then invariably affects your work. lack of enthusiasm now falls under my danger zone, and outright reluctance is squarely within. ive never been idealistic enough to expect that everybody in an organisation would go all out for the cause, but lately virtually everything smacks of a bad attitude - again, this may be attributed to hypersensitivity.

truth be told im also getting very sick of being the punching bag for the world. even the nicest people go off and enjoy themselves, leaving their dirty work for me, often at a moment's notice. i feel used, spent, worthless... and very, very indignant.

in a situation like this the obvious response would be to try what has always worked to remedy things. in my case its the trademark Boxer motto out of Animal Farm - i will work harder! but the harder you push, the harder the system pushes back. (somebody's dunno-wat law of no net change, something like that) using an ever-bigger hammer doesn't always solve the problem, especially when its not the right tool for the job. the only real solutions that result in positive change are often non-intuitive and hardly obvious, because their effects are felt in another part of the system, which then comes back to influence you. ive been reading too much about systemic thinking!

Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life

---

I'm packed and I'm holding
I'm smiling, she's living, she's golden
She lives for me, says she lives for me
Ovation, her own motivation
She comes round and she goes down on me
And I make her smile, like a drug for you
Do ever what you wanna do, coming over you
Keep on smiling, what we go through
One stop to the rhythm that divides you
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse
Chop another line like a coda with a curse
Come on like a freak show takes the stage
We give them the games we play, she said...
I want something else, to get me through this
Semi-charmed kinda life, baby, baby
I want something else, I'm not listening when you say good-bye
The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there, someplace back there
Smiling in the pictures you would take
Doing crystal myth, will lift you up until you break
It won't stop, I won't come down
I keep stock with the tick-tock rhythm, I bump for the drop
And then I bumped up, I took the hit that I was given
Then I bumped again, then I bumped again
I said...
How do I get back there, to the place where I fell asleep inside you
How do I get myself back to the place where you said...
I want something else, to get me through this
Semi-charmed kinda life, baby, baby
I want something else, I'm not listening when you say good-bye
I believe in the sand beneath my toes
The beach gives a feeling, an earthy feeling
I believe in the faith that grows
And the four right chords can make me cry
When I'm with you I feel like I could die
And that would be all right, all right
And when the plane came in, she said she was crashing
The velvet it rips in the city, we tripped on the urge to feel alive
Now I'm struggling to survive, those days you were wearing that velvet dress
You're the priestess, I must confess
Those little red panties they pass the test
Slide up around the belly, face down on the mattress
One
And you hold me, and we're broken
Still it's all that I wanna do, just a little now
Feel myself, head made of the ground
I'm scared, I'm not coming down
No, no
And I won't run for my life
She's got her jaws now, locked down in a smile
But nothing is all right, all right
And I want something else, to get me through this life
Baby, I want something else
Not listening when you say...
Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye
Good-bye
The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Someplace back there, in the place we used to start
I want something else

---

i think all this is somehow related to the way i turn corners - pressing too hard on the accelerator and rounding the bend much faster than expected. while in first gear. there's a parable in that somewhere.

timestamp: anonymous 16:49 0 comments

6.18.2003

 

[footwork]

disclaimer: bad post ahead.

sometimes the most mundane things can become the most persistent and insistent motifs in your life. just last sunday i had a rude shock when my fixed instructor wound up teaching sbdy else who had been given the same car number that was printed on my crisp reporting slip still fresh from the printer. minutes later i found myself in a totally unfamiliar car with an instructor i had never seen before, and who was much less forgiving than my usual one. i guess something like that every once in a while is good, if not for the fact that im still paying an additional 10 bucks just to have somebody from the instructor pool teach me. reality always has a nasty knack for being brutal, and i've since learnt that i'm not always aware of the locations of pedestrians attempting to cross the road, that i dont always check my blind spots before switching lanes, that i shouldnt drive too long on first gear even on the circuit, that i almost never change down gears when i slow down, that i dont hit the brakes while turning, and that my footwork is atrocious. not in those words of course.

this being my third lesson its probably understandable that my footwork isnt particularly good, my reputation of being a klutz notwithstanding, and im only too acutely aware of how bad i actually am. the previous lesson was almost an exercise in starting the car - on the road - after jarring stall after jarring stall. sometimes at traffic lights, too, might i add. my problem lies with the balance between easing off the clutch and gently pressing the accelerator.. and my poor coordination in general between changing gears and slowing / stopping. (im almost convinced ill never get my license a) anytime soon b) by august c) in 25 lessons) not to mention the haphazardness of my schedule - tuesday's big regular meetings gets shifted to mon at 1800, of all things, and ends at 1910 on the dot. which incidentally was the time my fourth lesson would have started. and the driving centre called up my home as though i had played truant!! but credit where credit is due. i guess its quite touching that they care so much abt each n every student.

on piste my footwork was never much better. shuffle shuffle here stumble stumble there. big heavy plodding steps when others glide effortlessly over the (depending on where you were) metal or rubber strip. the overexaggerated shifting of weight that always gave my lunges away. the lazy dragging of feet. the hesitant, jerky riding motion (body moving in the vertical plane) that could only belong to somebody trying to overcome a severe lack of psychomotor skills.

and im still stumbling over simple tasks everybody my age has no problems doing. one look and all my guys know ive never played basketball or soccer much before.. not that i really care, but sometimes its just another cruel reminder that under all appearances i am still living on the bona fide outer fringe of society.

im worse off at the frentic tangle that makes up work, and working life. totally sick of the way .....

forget it.

it's getting kinda cringeworthy.. somehow all my good blog-writing ideas turn into mush when i actually start typing. when it's in my head it actually sounds kinda workable. ahhh heck.

dead beat. 3h for two days running, and feeling the aftereffects. working and studying are just so different - you can stay up all night while schooling and still feel a-ok the next day, but you can't really pull that off when you're working.

and sometimes when im sick and tired of it all i feel the need to reinvent myself. a systemic purge to remove all the bad, the unwanted, and replace them with new interests, new pursuits, and hopefully new traits that will help me become more accepted. like how a snake sheds its skin, or how a phoenix rises from the ashes.. no intended reference to the new harry potter book, of course.

there's no loneliness worse than being totally frustrated without having anybody you can tell about all your troubles, or somebody who might remotely understand.

someday when i can write better ill rewrite this post. id delete it.. but id hate to waste the time i spent on it. ill try not to post when i should be sleeping in future.

black eyed peas ft justin timberlake - where is the love

---

What's wrong with the world, mam
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Badness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
N**, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With the ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our own direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive to lovers bound

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

---

timestamp: anonymous 14:40 0 comments

6.11.2003

 

[crash]

36h. out on the road for most of that period of time. running around like an idiot from point a to point b for administrative purposes (opening, closing gates, taking keys, resup-ping batteries, checking, recce, ferrying ppl to n fro, etc etc), pushed the rover twice to start it, rolled down steep hills four times (maybe more, i lost count) cos the gearshift wouldnt engage (high 4WD vs lo 4WD), had 1x packet milo and a bit of chicken to tide me over the greater part of 24h. and i am so completely stoned now.

Eason Chan - K Ge Zi Wang

---

---

so sad.. and so beautiful. such songs are so hard to find.

timestamp: anonymous 13:22 0 comments

6.01.2003

 

[ny state of mind]

confusion. the sense of helplessness when worlds collide - when the many worlds you have tried so hard to keep separate from one another inevitably come crashing together to coalesce into one throbbing chaotic mess. everything's a blur. everything's a haze. trying to stay afloat. but buoyed by a sense of purpose, the kind of single-minded drive that makes the 4-minute mile possible. sometimes you just have to make adversity your own pillar of strength - even if it really isnt. i feel like i can move mountains.

Black Box Recorder - The Facts Of Life

---

Do do do, do do do
Do do do, do do do

When boys are just eleven
They begin to grow in height at a fast rate than they have done before
They develop curiosity and start to fantasise
About the things they have never thought of doing before
These dreams are no more harmful than
The usual thoughts that boys have of becoming football stars or millionaires
As long as the distinction between fantasy and fiction remains
It's just a nature walk

It's just the facts of life
There's no master plan
Walk me home from school
I'll let you hold my hand
You're getting ideas
And when you sleep at night
They develop into sweet dreams
It's just the facts of life

A boy sits by the telephone, wanting to call a girl
But not daring to because she might say no
At last he summons up the courage phones
And discovers someone else has asked her first and she's said yes
Now's time to deal with the fear of being rejected
No-one gets through life without being hurt
At this point the boy who's listening to this song
Is probably saying it's easier said than done and it's true

It's just the facts of life
There's no master plan
Walk me home from school
I'll let you hold my hand
You're getting ideas
And when you sleep at night
They develop into sweet dreams
It's just the facts of life

Do do do, do do do
Do do do, do do do

Small-town dating differs from more urban situations
In particular if there's few places to go
Adolescents normally gather in a cafe or an arcade
If they have to almost anywhere will do
A family car, a disused coalmine
A rowing boat or a shed
Experimentation, familiarisation
It's all a nature walk

It's just the facts of life
There's no master plan
Walk me home from school
I'll let you hold my hand
You're getting ideas
And when you sleep at night
They develop into sweet dreams
It's just the facts of life

It's just the facts of life (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
There's no master plan (Ideas develop into sweet dreams)
Walk me home from school (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
I'll let you hold my hand (Let you hold my hand)
You're getting ideas (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
And when you sleep at night (Ideas develop into sweet dreams)
They develop into sweet dreams (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
It's just the facts of life

It's just the facts of life (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
There's no master plan (Ideas develop into sweet dreams)
Walk me home from school (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
I'll let you hold my hand (Let you hold my hand)

---

streamofconsciousness it's the facts of life.

timestamp: anonymous 17:37 0 comments

5.31.2003

 

[social obligations]

a chance (in the negative sense) occurrence has brought out the essence of why i always seem to go it alone: the ignominy of having to abide by, and live up to, social obligations. some are born socially obliged, some achieve that, and some have it thrust upon them - to [very badly] paraphrase the Bard. achieving it - ie having good friends who expect you to give up some of your time every once in a while to catch up on old times (naturally the frequency and duration of each session depends on how emotionally needy the friend actually is) - is quite different from having it thrust upon you - being obliged to be somewhere just because of affiliation (which happens to be the most common cause) simply because of the element of choice. you chose your friends, you don't always choose where or with whom you wind up with, whether it's work or school. [one might argue, at this point, that friendship is another form of affiliation, but that is really pushing the diff meanings of the word and hence will be assumed as a trivial matter]

work, for one, is a perennial problem. mess events almost always feature compulsory attendance, in addition to having questionable characters for company (hint: think superiors and/or seniors), the imbibing of copious amounts of alcohol, their draggy nature itself, and are marked by a pervasive air of sheer unadulterated boredom. they often degenerate into cliques (believe it or not) and bunches of people huddled around the karaoke, the pool table and the bar counter. it doesnt help that the karaoke isnt particularly up-to-date.. the only chinese song i know that's in the list is the rappy zi yue by ah liang.. and the machinegun lyrics + the words (written in the complex style) complicate matters no end. i cant understand why they dont slot in a karaoke vcd of jay chou.. which at least i can manage. english songs are only mildly better.. since im horribly off-key and have the vocal range of maybe a bass recorder (if there was such a thing) .. about an octave max on the low end. now my big boss (not to be confused with my direct boss) thinks i always do punk rock songs. hooray. tell me - since when was matchboxtwenty punk rock? or lifehouse? incubus - drive - maybe.. but not matchboxtwenty..

school has brought its own fair share of problems, when sbdy takes the trouble to go organise a class gathering and how nobody bothers about it - almost verbatim (except that its been censored) from an earful i got yesterday. sometimes it has to do with class spirit, or how cliqueish a class is.. or sometimes just that people are busy. it may be an excuse - if you want to meet badly enough you'll fork out the time somehow - but there's no escaping it. it's a sooner or later thing.. like taxes. or death. if you never really felt like you belonged, would you go just to be ostracized again? if you could never seem to talk to the rest (aka what streats called STD - Small Talk Disorder), would you go to twiddle your thumbs in silence, looking on eagerly and expectantly hoping somebody will be gracious enough to remember that you exist and drop your name in the conversation?

i think ive always been on the fringe. always an outsider. never truly belonging to any one group. although i need my freedom and my own free space belonging is a latter-stage component of maslow's hierachy of needs. it's most painful when you have things to do but people you never had much affinity with try to stake claims on you and demand your presence, and you either don't really know how to excuse yourself, or you simply can't extricate yourself from the event. having said that it's also great to meet up with, and hear from peeps you really don't mind spending time with, especially those separated by schedule or by country. (ok disclaimer: i din put this bit in just so the people i was wif won misunderstand and kill me... wheres cfyw when you need them?!) maybe at the end of it all this entire problem is a consequence of my own egotism - the belief that my own activities are more impt than others; that i shouldnt (and won't) bend my schedule to fit theirs. but then again i shouldn't feel bad about that.

ooh. angst.

the White Stripes - Seven Nation Army

---

I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back
And I'm talkin' to myself at night
Because I can't forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a cigarette

And the message comin' from my eyes says leave it alone...

Don't wanna hear about it
Every single one's got a story to tell
Everyone knows about it
From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell
And if I catch it comin' back my way
I'm gonna serve it to you
And that ain't what you want to hear
But that's what I'll do

And the feeling coming from my bones says find a home...

I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera forevermore
I'm gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore
And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding
Right before the lord
All the words are gonna bleed from me
And I will think no more

And the stains comin' from my blood tell me "Go back home"...

---

lovely. i havent written like this in so long.. and my is it cathartic.

hows my writing? call 1800-4-FANZINE...

timestamp: anonymous 18:06 0 comments

5.25.2003

 

[all that jazz]

as usual my procrastinating tendencies have taken over and ive lost the better part of a day to, well, nothing. *pained look* sometimes its almost criminal, knowing that i cdve done so much more with my time.. and the most worrying thing is im not even anywhere a midlife crisis yet. (touch wood!)

had grandiose plans for a post today but after a few bouts of generals theyve all but dissipated. after a while i realise i only post about whatever's closest to my heart. it's especially so when you're stressed but just *have* to blog to get it out of your system.. pressure, of the temporal kind or otherwise, seems to bring out the best in bloggers. conversely it's when youre at your happiest, or free-est, or whatever have you, that you sort of lose the impetus to post. thats certainly what's going thru my head now.. cos i still have a ton of things to finish by tmr.

wondering why im drawn to jazz. it's probably got something to do with the way ive transited from zero-radio to 24-hr-listener, from bubblegum pop to euro trash to alternative to rock to the cutting edge of the dance genre, and more recently, from there to downtempo, chill-out (before that became passe) and leftfield. from leftfield to gilles peterson to experimental to jazz. i'm tracing this relatively clearly cos of a discussion i had wif calvin a while ago bemoaning the lack of people with similar musical interests around me (compared to around him). he's still firmly into trance.. i've since moved on to leftfield. interestingly enough jazz is one of those so-staid-its-subversive things.. like knitting. i have a story about my superior who started knitting one night in the office.. goodness knows what she was knitting. but i digress - i'm thinking of going for jeremy monteiro NYC trio with toots thielemans.. but im totally broke so its gonna have to be the cheapest $22 seats. anyhow this is a musical performance so there's not much point sitting all the way in front, imho. somehow i always thot more ppl wd be into jazz but, rather inexplicably, im wrong! sad. anyhow if u wanna go beep me and we'll go get tix. or mark chan's musical accompaniment to the silent movie Little Toys. worst come to worst ill go alone!

morcheeba - what new york couples fight about

---

Once a label is on something
It becomes an it
Like it's no longer alive

It's like a loss of vision
Or some dark impression
Or a black spot on your eye

If it's up to you
My little sweet baboo
Through the shouting and the fever
Think of life as queer
Think of it my dear
And some knobs or a fancy tone
From here there is no reason
Baby's got it made
But it's not what the life's about

What is imagination
May become a fact
If we think of it that way

If you want to know
I can tell you now
Oh if you make it through somehow
Or is it best to keep or fall to sleep
it isnt looking very good to me
from here

Hey
He's distressed
and I forget
I don't wanna know cause I forget
He's distressed
and I forget
I don't wanna know cause I forget
He's distressed
and I forget
I don't wanna know cause I forget
He's distressed
and I forget
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know

I don't wanna know
What do, new york
Couples fight about
Brothers gonna work it out
(Baby's got the bed sheet)
How do
(That was under you)
New york
(When your time and life expires)
Couples fight it out
What these couples fight about
(Keeps it in the closet)
What do
(Keeps it to herself)
New york
(She should throw the damn thing out)
Couples fight about
But this gonna work it out
(Why should you continue)
How do
(To shake it off)
New york
(Would you write things on the wall?)
Couples fight it out
What these couples fight about
(You could make it hard)
To be
In the shouting you will see
Or is it best to change the world you're keeping
Down again

Hey
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know

Such is the sound of sorry
Without the shy report
or the grips that could hold you down
(just when things were looking up you act just like a horse's butt)
Everything was simple
but the body's worn
Got the life spread on the ground
(Powder pink and general, the kitchen sink, a funeral)
Every loving other
Don't you fade on me
Like a bomb that's about to blow
(Often we will overlook the things that make it undercooked)
We can make it hard
Or we can take the world apart
Or you'd never be that sure
Of the simple things that makes you want
To cry, again

Hey
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know

He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know

---

that sound totally has to be how i feel. "he's distressed/and i forget/i dont wanna know cause i forget" - troubled without being pessimistic.. making light of my trials and tribulations. overall, a positive way of looking at a bad situation. (that still beats looking at a good situation negatively..) sometimes its just nigh on impossible to describe, not that that has ever stopped me from trying. that's the magic of music.

on an unrelated note - which sec sch shd u be in? from Quizilla. my word.. you will never believe which sch i tested as. i dont know whether i should be proud or ashamed of this.. for purposes of anonymity for the pretence of anonymity i shant name it. but you may guess! =)

timestamp: anonymous 15:48 0 comments

5.21.2003

 

[give or take]

tired beyond measure from late nights, hectic days, firefighting and just plain busyness. nary an end in sight.. the situation's far from bleak, its just.. relentless. or at least it's felt that way for the past few days. bit of a breather today.. but didn't get much done before new stuff piled up. really have to improve on my efficiency. and totally frustrated in some aspects. there are so many great films now (compared to a dearth barely 2 months ago).. ~sigh

misc quotes in the meantime.

"SARS, SARS, bloody SARS" - first two lines (and the only ones i remember!) from glenn ong's poem ranting about SARS when he was still on 987

"a woman will never be more impt than the music. and if a woman thinks she is, then she's just kidding herself, because if a man likes the music, then that's where he's gonna be." - female sample from Gilles Peterson's Worldwide (unknown source, but i believe it should be from a 50s or pre-50s movie or radio show) sometimes i really wonder where they get all their samples from. it certainly sounds authentic to me, but one can never tell..

and this.....

pug jelly - give or take
transcibed by yours truly.. you saw it here first.

---

we used to go for coffee and we used to go and talk
remember times we used to share and soon we'll both be gone
sunny days and summer times won't be the same again
you've gone away now made your way there's no telling when

things could be the same
you're gone and i wish you'd stayed
going away
my feelings will not change
friends forever
give or take

one day in school walked into class you all were staring eyes
you looked to me so differently i can't imagine why
had to leave my own good friends to come to this place
things are strange i feel my pain i do not feel the same

things could be the same
you're gone and i wish you'd stayed
going away
my feelings will not change
friends forever
give or take

things will not change
until we feel the same
things will not change
this will not change
and still we'll feel the same
this will not change
things will not change
and still we'll feel the same
this will not change
things will not change
and still we'll feel the same

things could be the same
you're gone and i wish you'd stayed
going away
my feelings will not change
friends forever
give or take

---

btw pug jelly is a local band. im surprised its on radio, and 987 at that.. its relatively fast paced and as with all fast paced songs its really impossible to catch the lyrics unless you have some prior inkling. no such luck for me... nope this is all thanks to the time dilation (compress/stretch timescale without altering pitch) of my wonderful audigy card. and lots of repeated listenings..

"whatever!" - liam lynch, "United States of Whatever"

timestamp: anonymous 17:22 0 comments

5.17.2003

 

[r e t r o]

everything seems to be stuck on nostalgia mode for some strange reason. everything ive done, seen, touched, heard, heck, just about anything i came into contact with today, seems to be about things past. its a little hard to explain and obviously it really begins to lose its charm and poignancy the moment i try to translate it into words, although that isnt going to stop me from trying. in essence: had a hearty discussion about baz luhrmann's william shakespeare's romeo + juliet, the one with leo di caprio and claire danes.. (esp claire danes!! the bit where she goes "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet / o romeo, romeo wherefore art thou romeo" in the little angel costume with the fairy wings from her bedroom window) in the office with my guys, all of which are older than me..... but junior, heh * the clerk that i get along wif the best showed me this msg he got today, which came out of the blue, from a number he din recognise, that he was the best they'd ever had and they'd never forget him.. (they cos the gender was indeterminate) and thing is he's engaged already.. suspects its his ex from 2 years back. mulled over it for a long time * featured tune on the selecta was soul II soul's "back to life" (acapella version) from way back in '89.. * somehow that song brought back a lot of memories even tho i had never heard it in '89!! * saw an ad about a new condo at mt sinai drive.. again, memories * and somehow over dinner conversation turned back to jc days again. i have absolutely no idea why....

you know the feeling - some days you just absolutely loathe yourself. this isnt one of those days. it isnt a totally bright shiny happy day either - its just one tinged with a slightly rosy and misty-eyed view of events i was very critical about when they were happening.. sorta like a on-hindsight appreciation. maybe its just cos vesak day was just over. again i have no idea why im feeling this way!

love by the numbers - just when you thought differential equations had no place in real life..

Cornershop - Brimful of Asha (Fatboy Slim Remix)

---

there's dancing behind movie scenes
behind the movie scenes - Sadi Rani
she's the one that keeps the dream alive,
from the morning,
past the evening,
till the end of the light.

brimful of Asha on the forty-five.
well, it's a brimful of Asha on the forty-five.
brimful of Asha on the forty-five.
well, it's a brimful of Asha on the forty-five.
and singing illuminate the main streets and the cinema aisles.
we don't care about no government warning
about that promotion of the simple life and the dams they are building.

chorus
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
mine's on the forty-five...

Mohammed Ruffi - forty-five.
Lata Mangeshka - forty-five.
Solid state radio - forty-five.
Ferguson Mono - forty-five.
non public - forty-five.
Jacques Dutronc and the Bolan Boogies...
the Heavy Hitters and the chi-chi music...
all Indian radio - forty-five.
two in ones - forty-five.
Ovvo records - forty-five.
Trojan records - forty-five.

chorus
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
mine's on the forty-five...

seventy-seven thousand piece orchestra set
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow (mines on the RPM...)

chorus
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
mine's on the forty-five...

---

oh, for those days again, where life was simple..

incidentally, and on an unrelated note, juliet the orange is the next best thing to come out of m'sia since too phat.. but whatever has happened to them? so much promise with their first single "quizzical" (remind me, ill post it up someday.. so poignant) but theyve since dipped below the music radar. like lowe / lo.. dunno what happened to him since "evening news". oh well. the fickle nature of local (regional) music..

timestamp: anonymous 14:03 0 comments

5.11.2003

 

[a la folie pas du tout]

finally watched the a/m movie.. audrey tatou is a perfect choice for the female lead - for most of the first half of the film she's in amelie mode, what with that hair and totally innocent look.. although i must say that the story is very flat and downright predictable. its just an interesting study of what the filmmaker terms erotomania, which probably means stalker to ordinary people like you and me. its not a thriller either. i dont quite know how to describe it.. french films are just like that. isnt it strange how everybody wants somebody to call their own (correct me if im wrong but i believe im paraphrasing the title of a very old Corrs song) but sometimes having somebody who wants you can be totally destructive? our cardiologist (cardiologique in french, i think) protagonist Loic loses his office, unborn baby, license to practise and, very nearly, his wife and his sanity. creepy..

too stoned to think about anything else. that was a horrible attempt at a film review.. had much grander things in mind but somehow they dont make the transition to bits n bytes very well.

soundtrack of my mind's still very much the same: One Inch Punch's "Pretty Piece of Flesh".

still wading hip-deep in work. somehow work is so much more tiring than studying.. either that or im growing old way before my time.

timestamp: anonymous 16:04 0 comments

 

stumbled upon this site - Design for Chunks - and its just soo cool. raw design talent at its best. i wish i could do something like that.. think that settles it. if i wanted a second career it would definitely be in design & graphics.

timestamp: anonymous 15:53 0 comments

5.05.2003

 

[it's just one of those days]

another manic monday.. just when things were beginning to look up, just when i seemed to be on the verge of finishing my SARS SOP, the audit team swoops down and has a ton of ideas that can only come from up above. im talking about ideas which sound really nice in principle but arent likely to do much good on the ground, ideas which seem inspired but will probably wind up alienating people. but what can i do? im just a poor cog in the bigger scheme of things. i facilitate. my job is to turn their whims and fancies into solid concrete Instructions and Procedures. they push, and i turn. sometimes things can just be so depressing - all the initial idealism about being able to make a difference waxes and wanes so quickly before the might of authority and seniority. i dont think im jaded yet, heck no - neither am i disillusioned, ive always expected things to be like this, in here or otherwise [in the working world out there]. its just a feeling of helplessness, and its a terrible terrible uphill struggle. im just slogging for naught..

and if having your work increase exponentially (not to mention having to redo some stuff you just finished) in the first 30 mins of the week wasnt quite enough i had the misfortune of having one of the laptops i signed out for landing in the hands of one the more senior staff around because it was apparently 'lost'. its a very long story but suffice to say that i was in genuine danger and a sweaty and terse investigation later, i found it was all thanks to the nonchalance and downright irresponsibility ("i never saw it!") of somebody that the whole issue came about.

i could go on and on about the rest of the things that almost ruined my day but theres really no point since 1) my day wasnt totally ruined, im just a little... terse and 2) theyre too minute to interest anybody. heck, im even finding them terribly minute as i blog now..

interesting link. dance dance story.. it sorta loosely ties in with today's piece of mood music.

One Inch Punch - Pretty Piece of Flesh
from William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet OST

---

I
I will split you in two
Shake shake shake boom
I strike, quickly being bold

You're all, you're all dogs
You're just dogs of the house
You're weak, weak, weak, weak slaves
The weak slave goes to the wall, oooh

'Cause I am
I am that pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh, I am

Go, go, foes can never measure to the crew as we roll on
Blast the amplifiers in the back with their soul on
A pretty piece of flesh and yes, you better show your crest
Shoulder holster strapped, I'm pulling from the chest

Guess who's gonna be the first to pull it from you?
But if the steel seal representing Montague
Lovelorn torn from two sides, singin' at dark skies
To the heavens, I'll be seeing worlds collide

Chi chi bow stars and bottle rocket fantasies
But on the streets. some knights and killers. they be after me
Trippin' with Ethel under moonlight skies
But then, you wake up in the danger zone in souped up rides

I'm dodgin' bullets and bang, it's hard to hang
Doing a hundred miles an hour like a video game
Rollin' brick thick and diesel thinking nothin' can faze me
With nickel plated sword slingin', livin' is crazy

Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
Your little pretty piece of flesh
Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
Your little pretty piece of flesh

I am that pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh

I will split you in two
Shake shake shake boom
I strike, quickly being bold
You're all, you're all dogs

Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
(you're just dogs of the house)
Pretty piece of flesh (you're weak, weak, weak, weak slaves)
Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
(the weak slave goes to the wall, oooh)
Pretty piece of flesh

'Cause I am, I am, I'm that pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh, I am

Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
Your little pretty piece of flesh
Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
Your little pretty piece of flesh

---

quite intrigued by bloggerNEW.. esp the blog-via-email feature. but i thot that was already in place, albeit for blogger pro users? if it comes out for blogger [free] then ill stop thinking about porting it someday. someday.. given the amt of work that just keeps coming and coming.

timestamp: anonymous 15:26 0 comments

5.02.2003

 

[back in the world]

so you see, i have been blogging all this while, just that my posts werent showing up.. *more relieved than miffed* so there. saves me the trouble of reinventing the wheel - was seriously going to put pen (pencil, to be more precise) to paper and start planning my new blog. i just may, although in the tradition of grand vapourware this blog that has just come back to life was due for an overhaul for the past... 10 months. and it's almost a year old already, more or less.

on duty tmr, and there is a ton of things to do- revolving around SARS SOP as well as safety SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) - for auditing purposes just about everything must be documented. of course there are benefits - im gradually gaining an eye for detail and perhaps even becoming much much more critical of ideas (not people, mind) than i ever was before. the passive sponge of days past may well and truly have been left behind by the time im through with all these SOPs and whatever else is tasked to me. believe me the list just grows from day to day. but it also means that i carry this critical attitude just about everywhere i go- sometimes its hard to snap out of. its probably going to be my livelihood in the future so now's a good a time as any to come to terms with this newfound [perhaps latent?] aspect of my (otherwise dull and boring) personality.

happy- finally have my own PA (personal assistant)- a disruptee whos returned to finish the 2 months he has left. and he's a law grad! going to start work in june, requesting to be let off earlier so he can join his firm. whoa.. just as well, even if the help is temporary, cos SOPs tend to get very involved and detailed and there are tons of documents i need to dig out- the only thing is i havent learnt how to delegate anything very well yet. =|

no ruminations for now - still pleasantly surprised that my email to blogger support worked. you guys rock! ill still be considering the redesign though and if it calls for new blog features ill migrate. given the amount of stuff on my plate i doubt if ill be working on it anytime soon.

thanks to everyone who kept coming back even tho new posts werent appearing.. this blog is for you. (as much as it is for me.. ha)

timestamp: anonymous 17:22 0 comments

4.24.2003

 

[ny state of mind]

• outraged over streats' quoting of a med student's blog on her opinion of the volunteer-temperature-taker scheme in nus.. to her detriment, and said journalist's response (global allegations against the university, paraphrased.. my memorys not that good, natch)


• worried over being someplace i heard may have had people down with SARS. then again its a sooner or later thing- either way it seems like ill be near the frontlines, whether its now (ops role) or later (in healthcare)


• relieved that i dont put my real name or any form of contact on my blog.. i hope


• worried over the issue of disclosure in future posts


• swamped with work - safety management, SARS procedure, training programme, .. many many more


• feeling stupid cos i can never really answer stuff my boss expects me to know, that actually i should, but am too tired to remember


• just plain tired


• lonely but not in the frame of mind to reach out to anybody


• seriously pondering switching from blogger to some other blog service.. eyeing something remotely hosted on my 'own' server

back to typing minutes then.

timestamp: anonymous 16:23 0 comments

4.20.2003

 

its been about a week since i last blogged, though it looks like i havent been back for a month, no thanks to the server's refusal to publish my posts. it cant be censorship..... right? although its true that i mainly write for myself, to keep me sane, but then again the whole point of me keeping a blog rather than a diary is the fact that it can, should and is designed to be shared with others. personally its pointless for me to keep my own personal diary.. believe me, ive tried, and i dont think i can find the discipline to keep one. besides an online blog is less susceptible to prying eyes.. at least in my very peculiar case. thats life... *shrug*

timestamp: anonymous 14:49 0 comments

4.12.2003

 

what the ... my posts arent appearing... this is getting very annoying... hello... *wave wave*

timestamp: anonymous 13:16 0 comments

4.08.2003

 

and today a very funny thing happened. i was on my way out of camp, from my new bunk on the 3rd floor, and you must understand that to reach my preferred staircase from my bunk (preferred because its the only one where i dont have to climb up or down extra flights of stairs once i hit the ground floor.. there's a lift but i dont dare to use it, im still small fry) there is a very open corridor. open in the sense that there are just metal railings (with a wall.. i cant quite put it into words) on either side of the corridor, and since its the 3rd storey its really open and you can just see like all the buildings in front. this was after it rained rather heavily this afternoon & evening, so a moderate breeze was blowing, and the air was actually refreshingly cold. surprising, for a non-air-conditioned open-air environment!

and i just felt like i was in vancouver all of a sudden. maybe it was the clouds - the sky was beginning to get dark, mildly, but there were also dark fluffy clouds in the sky, making it look somewhat like a clear - albeit dark and strangely starless - winter night. maybe it was the environment - from that angle the camp complex really does look nice and modern and, dare i say it, reminiscent of the stereotypical stark housing in some parts of vancouver. but i like to think its mainly the sensation of the cold air. even on the rainiest day in tekong, when we did virtually NOTHING because it just poured and poured the whole day until even the ferries stopped, i have never felt the air being cold in that way.

you know how memories can be linked to any and all of your senses... its just strange that i connect vancouver with these inputs.

and although ive had many second homes (lab, now office...) but if youre talking about a city or place to call a second home.. vancouver is probably number 2.

just a thot that kinda made an impression on me.. a fine example of the many posts that occur to me throughout the day. only this one made it thru to a post.

timestamp: anonymous 16:30 0 comments

 

feel like im beginning to find myself.

sometimes you just dont quite realise how long its been since youve last kept in contact with people until they come back waving a big red flag in your face telling you theres a crisis afoot. for all i like to pride myself on my sensitivity it seems like a large part of it seems to have been replaced by the 1.5 years ive spent in here already.. im not sure how much ive changed - maybe if you could be bothered you could feedback to the usual address - but i think i have gradually become more independent; gradually because i consciously started back in jc, and independent primarily in the mental/emotional sense - i acknowledge that i am still pretty much physically dependent even though i have come a long way in this 1.5 years - independent mentally/emotionally because i used to be so wraught with indecision that id ask like virtually ALL of my close frens before making any decision.. even the simplest ones like should i call, etc.. and even though half the time i went ahead and did whatever i felt like despite their misgivings! heh. anyway my point is now im no longer like that and even though its true that i havent had any major crisis since i left a co-ed environment (ooh that speaks volumes) i still think i am at least 70% capable of getting out of the emotional rut myself now - a far cry from the me in jc when maybe even ALL my frens had to be my crutch[es] for up to a week or so til i felt better. thats quite awfully selfish, on hindsight. [addendum: technically im still in a mixed-gender environment.. and yes all the usual tensions and undercurrents are still there. just like any other part of the real world, then.. but i dont think anybody wd be surprised that there are less crises for me now.. ]

anyway i digress. it wasnt until a close fren pointed out how far we'd strayed, so to speak, til i realised that i was actually so much of a hermit. i mean i dont think id be out of place if i was still in jc and they announced that the schools would be closed for 10 days (now more than that).. id be perfectly happy being at home doing stuff *alone*. i never did call much and hardly kept in touch with people i didnt see regularly in the course of my everyday life (eg school, lab, on/off piste, whatever) in jc and nothing's changed since then. it doesnt help that im waist-deep in work in my new appointment (new being somewhat of a misnomer since ive been here since feb... damn i remember working in the CP on my bdae. and as usual it was one of those no night no day days.. "can we all give a hand to 'fan because its his birthday today.. but youll still have to work.. just ask gene here, he was working thru his bdae too") and knowing me, when the work piles up i just put on blinkers and attempt to wade thru as purposefully as i can.... ignoring just about everything else in the process. including frens.

it just suddenly dawned on me that its a combination of work and my own highly individualistic (aka "i need my own space") nature that keeps me happy not actively reaching out to keep in touch with people. ive never been the sort to really actively keep in contact; though i never refuse if its the other way around. eccentric, as always - but perhaps im evolving this as a trait that may aid in the 8 potentially lonely years ahead?

as always, as always, a matter of perspective.

anyway.. sorry 'von, and thanks.

Beth Orton - Thinking About Tomorrow

---

Tired, but I ain't sleepin'
Thinking about some sad affair
And why I should be leavin'
'Cause some of these thoughts
Only seem to take me out of here

Yeah, these habits are so hard to break
They're the most easy to make
These habits are so hard to break
And the most easy to make

Thinking about tomorrow
Tired from all the time I spared
On what I still believe in
When none of my talk
Ever seems to get me anywhere

Yeah, these habits are so hard to break
Are the most easy to make
These habits are so hard to break
Are the most easy to make
So easy to make

So long
Night-night friends, so long
So long
Will it ever happen again?
You know that I've been waiting for you
I've been created for you
So long
You know that I've been fading from you
Nothing could save me from you
So long

Tired, but I ain't dreamin'
Falling into solid earth
On why I must be leavin'
'Cause one of these days
I'm gonna pull out all my hair

Yeah these habits are so hard to break
And the most easy to make
Well, these habits are so hard to make
And the most easy to break
So easy

So long
Night-night friends, so long
So long
Will it ever happen again?
You know that I've been waitin' for you
I've been created for you
So long
You know that I have faded from you
And nothing could save me from you
So long

---

wanted to put her [beth orton's] "this one's gonna bruise" cos i like the title and it sounds so nice.. but its just not apt. some other time..

timestamp: anonymous 16:16 0 comments