4.08.2003

 

feel like im beginning to find myself.

sometimes you just dont quite realise how long its been since youve last kept in contact with people until they come back waving a big red flag in your face telling you theres a crisis afoot. for all i like to pride myself on my sensitivity it seems like a large part of it seems to have been replaced by the 1.5 years ive spent in here already.. im not sure how much ive changed - maybe if you could be bothered you could feedback to the usual address - but i think i have gradually become more independent; gradually because i consciously started back in jc, and independent primarily in the mental/emotional sense - i acknowledge that i am still pretty much physically dependent even though i have come a long way in this 1.5 years - independent mentally/emotionally because i used to be so wraught with indecision that id ask like virtually ALL of my close frens before making any decision.. even the simplest ones like should i call, etc.. and even though half the time i went ahead and did whatever i felt like despite their misgivings! heh. anyway my point is now im no longer like that and even though its true that i havent had any major crisis since i left a co-ed environment (ooh that speaks volumes) i still think i am at least 70% capable of getting out of the emotional rut myself now - a far cry from the me in jc when maybe even ALL my frens had to be my crutch[es] for up to a week or so til i felt better. thats quite awfully selfish, on hindsight. [addendum: technically im still in a mixed-gender environment.. and yes all the usual tensions and undercurrents are still there. just like any other part of the real world, then.. but i dont think anybody wd be surprised that there are less crises for me now.. ]

anyway i digress. it wasnt until a close fren pointed out how far we'd strayed, so to speak, til i realised that i was actually so much of a hermit. i mean i dont think id be out of place if i was still in jc and they announced that the schools would be closed for 10 days (now more than that).. id be perfectly happy being at home doing stuff *alone*. i never did call much and hardly kept in touch with people i didnt see regularly in the course of my everyday life (eg school, lab, on/off piste, whatever) in jc and nothing's changed since then. it doesnt help that im waist-deep in work in my new appointment (new being somewhat of a misnomer since ive been here since feb... damn i remember working in the CP on my bdae. and as usual it was one of those no night no day days.. "can we all give a hand to 'fan because its his birthday today.. but youll still have to work.. just ask gene here, he was working thru his bdae too") and knowing me, when the work piles up i just put on blinkers and attempt to wade thru as purposefully as i can.... ignoring just about everything else in the process. including frens.

it just suddenly dawned on me that its a combination of work and my own highly individualistic (aka "i need my own space") nature that keeps me happy not actively reaching out to keep in touch with people. ive never been the sort to really actively keep in contact; though i never refuse if its the other way around. eccentric, as always - but perhaps im evolving this as a trait that may aid in the 8 potentially lonely years ahead?

as always, as always, a matter of perspective.

anyway.. sorry 'von, and thanks.

Beth Orton - Thinking About Tomorrow

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Tired, but I ain't sleepin'
Thinking about some sad affair
And why I should be leavin'
'Cause some of these thoughts
Only seem to take me out of here

Yeah, these habits are so hard to break
They're the most easy to make
These habits are so hard to break
And the most easy to make

Thinking about tomorrow
Tired from all the time I spared
On what I still believe in
When none of my talk
Ever seems to get me anywhere

Yeah, these habits are so hard to break
Are the most easy to make
These habits are so hard to break
Are the most easy to make
So easy to make

So long
Night-night friends, so long
So long
Will it ever happen again?
You know that I've been waiting for you
I've been created for you
So long
You know that I've been fading from you
Nothing could save me from you
So long

Tired, but I ain't dreamin'
Falling into solid earth
On why I must be leavin'
'Cause one of these days
I'm gonna pull out all my hair

Yeah these habits are so hard to break
And the most easy to make
Well, these habits are so hard to make
And the most easy to break
So easy

So long
Night-night friends, so long
So long
Will it ever happen again?
You know that I've been waitin' for you
I've been created for you
So long
You know that I have faded from you
And nothing could save me from you
So long

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wanted to put her [beth orton's] "this one's gonna bruise" cos i like the title and it sounds so nice.. but its just not apt. some other time..

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