5.31.2003

 

[social obligations]

a chance (in the negative sense) occurrence has brought out the essence of why i always seem to go it alone: the ignominy of having to abide by, and live up to, social obligations. some are born socially obliged, some achieve that, and some have it thrust upon them - to [very badly] paraphrase the Bard. achieving it - ie having good friends who expect you to give up some of your time every once in a while to catch up on old times (naturally the frequency and duration of each session depends on how emotionally needy the friend actually is) - is quite different from having it thrust upon you - being obliged to be somewhere just because of affiliation (which happens to be the most common cause) simply because of the element of choice. you chose your friends, you don't always choose where or with whom you wind up with, whether it's work or school. [one might argue, at this point, that friendship is another form of affiliation, but that is really pushing the diff meanings of the word and hence will be assumed as a trivial matter]

work, for one, is a perennial problem. mess events almost always feature compulsory attendance, in addition to having questionable characters for company (hint: think superiors and/or seniors), the imbibing of copious amounts of alcohol, their draggy nature itself, and are marked by a pervasive air of sheer unadulterated boredom. they often degenerate into cliques (believe it or not) and bunches of people huddled around the karaoke, the pool table and the bar counter. it doesnt help that the karaoke isnt particularly up-to-date.. the only chinese song i know that's in the list is the rappy zi yue by ah liang.. and the machinegun lyrics + the words (written in the complex style) complicate matters no end. i cant understand why they dont slot in a karaoke vcd of jay chou.. which at least i can manage. english songs are only mildly better.. since im horribly off-key and have the vocal range of maybe a bass recorder (if there was such a thing) .. about an octave max on the low end. now my big boss (not to be confused with my direct boss) thinks i always do punk rock songs. hooray. tell me - since when was matchboxtwenty punk rock? or lifehouse? incubus - drive - maybe.. but not matchboxtwenty..

school has brought its own fair share of problems, when sbdy takes the trouble to go organise a class gathering and how nobody bothers about it - almost verbatim (except that its been censored) from an earful i got yesterday. sometimes it has to do with class spirit, or how cliqueish a class is.. or sometimes just that people are busy. it may be an excuse - if you want to meet badly enough you'll fork out the time somehow - but there's no escaping it. it's a sooner or later thing.. like taxes. or death. if you never really felt like you belonged, would you go just to be ostracized again? if you could never seem to talk to the rest (aka what streats called STD - Small Talk Disorder), would you go to twiddle your thumbs in silence, looking on eagerly and expectantly hoping somebody will be gracious enough to remember that you exist and drop your name in the conversation?

i think ive always been on the fringe. always an outsider. never truly belonging to any one group. although i need my freedom and my own free space belonging is a latter-stage component of maslow's hierachy of needs. it's most painful when you have things to do but people you never had much affinity with try to stake claims on you and demand your presence, and you either don't really know how to excuse yourself, or you simply can't extricate yourself from the event. having said that it's also great to meet up with, and hear from peeps you really don't mind spending time with, especially those separated by schedule or by country. (ok disclaimer: i din put this bit in just so the people i was wif won misunderstand and kill me... wheres cfyw when you need them?!) maybe at the end of it all this entire problem is a consequence of my own egotism - the belief that my own activities are more impt than others; that i shouldnt (and won't) bend my schedule to fit theirs. but then again i shouldn't feel bad about that.

ooh. angst.

the White Stripes - Seven Nation Army

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I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back
And I'm talkin' to myself at night
Because I can't forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a cigarette

And the message comin' from my eyes says leave it alone...

Don't wanna hear about it
Every single one's got a story to tell
Everyone knows about it
From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell
And if I catch it comin' back my way
I'm gonna serve it to you
And that ain't what you want to hear
But that's what I'll do

And the feeling coming from my bones says find a home...

I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera forevermore
I'm gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore
And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding
Right before the lord
All the words are gonna bleed from me
And I will think no more

And the stains comin' from my blood tell me "Go back home"...

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lovely. i havent written like this in so long.. and my is it cathartic.

hows my writing? call 1800-4-FANZINE...

timestamp: anonymous 18:06 0 comments