7.13.2003

 

[boys be]

"everythings okay??!"

i caught a fragment of the anime series boys be on tvmobile, of all things, yesterday.

"everythings okay?!! you just dont understand!" *girl leaves in a huff*

and it happened not once, but twice - with the aid of flashbacks - to the hapless loser of a protagonist. once with his ex, once with his current, both of whom left him to pursue their dreams.

there seems to be a wave of nostalgia washing over everybody - yesterday was the second class outing ive had in two weeks - both with unprecedently high turnouts. (i use the word 'turnout' with extreme caution these days thanks to its unwelcome implications) maybe its a feeling of disjointedness, trying to put your disparate lives together.. sort of a quarterlife crisis. somebody remarked that it was high time we took more photos cos they regretted not taking enough while back in school. i have no real response to that statement, partly because the most impt times of my life have been captured either in pictures, words or (sadly) certs. from these things alone i can relive the entire experience.. good, bad, warts and all. (they say an elephant never forgets)

warts and all, indeed, because i feel exactly as out of place and unwanted now as i was then. the irony is that i told off my best fren exactly a week ago at the same time for being so antisocial, why he was just hiding in a corner instead of talking to everyone else. somehow i was a social animal a week ago. and one week hence i am once again a wallflower. in real life the opposite was true - i was so much more outgoing in my last school - but now it appears that even that was inadequate. i carry with me the lessons learnt from the grave silences that inevitably punctuate any conversation in which i participate, and even then i havent learnt enough, or done enough about it. i vowed that this wouldnt be the case in jc, look where it's gotten me. i cant possibly repeat that in uni.. though i just might, through sheer inertia.

saturday morning, contemplating life at east coast, i wasnt really talking to my frens - half the time i could hardly hear what they were saying (and this is true no matter where i am, i believe im going deaf) and the remaining half was spent nodding or making little affirmatory mmhmms to reassure them that i was in absolute agreement with whatever they had said.

and the inevitable reunion always brings up the state-of-your-life comparisons. this is something peculiar to the jc civics group cos i have never felt it with my other classes, no matter how bright they are. and i always emerge with an immense sense of worthlessness - why is everybody else accomplishing so much with their lives, when i seem to be not doing anything? okay, correction: why dont i have anything to show for it? why am i not rushing around 24/7 like everybody else? why cant i do cool and impressive things like everybody else? i dont climb mountains, i dont join orientation, i dont go windsurfing, i cant drive, im not busy 24/7...

this is practically begging the question, why everybody else? why bother? but i cant help it. that's an excuse, of course. in reality its one (or more) of the following: a) deep-seated insecurity; b) an extremely competitive nature - but im not sure whether its internal (competing with myself) or external (competing with others).. im not good enough to be competing with myself and my percieved potential anyway.

what am i doing with my life now? nothing. sure, i feel valued where i am, because i have a supportive boss and a relatively supportive big boss. but i also feel that i am not doing anything worthy compared to everybody else, even other NSFs. been bumming around busying myself with urgent, pressing or important things - but never things that i can feel extremely proud of, no skills or sports to learn. i dont belong with the rest of my jc class cos theyre all high fliers and im doing absolutely nothing with my life and ive already forgotten probably 75% of what i used to know, and i probably dont know 90-95% of what they know.

why does everybody else lead such fulfilling and contented lives? living each moment as though it may be their last.. while i fritter my time away on my work or on crappy computer games im not good at anyway, in a futile attempt to improve my skillz. to what end?

my budding type-A personality says theres really no point in showing up for such outings. but im a glutton for punishment. i stick out like graffiti on a freshly-whitewashed wall, unwanted, unwelcome. or perhaps the reverse image is more fitting - a scrap of a heavily-graffitised wall where the original paint shows through. i will drop every last vestige of my former self that has anything to do with being such a misfit because it has become stale, tired and i realise all too well what a loser ive been. no longer. 1 year 2 months to go.

on a distinctly unrelated note, im happy that this year's zouk out is heading in the direction of big happy festivals like homelands, glastonbury or the now-defunct creamfields.. for once, we're having arenas... a host of big names coming down.. multiple-day looooong hours of mayhem.. not that i can be expected to show up, of course. score one for the developing club scene!

Nickelback ft Kid Rock - Saturday Night's Alright (for Fighting)

---

It's getting late have you seen my mates
Ma tell me when the boys get here
It's seven o'clock and I want to rock
Want to get a belly full of beer

My old man's drunker than a barrel full of monkeys
And my old lady she don't care
My sister looks cute in her braces and boots
A handful of grease in her hair

Don't give us none of your aggravation
We've had it with your discipline
Saturday night's alright for fighting
Get a little action in

Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this town alight
`Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright alright alright

Well they're packed pretty tight in here tonight
I'm looking for a woman who'll see me right
I may use a little muscle to get what I need
I may sink a little drink and shout out "She's with me!"

A couple of the sounds that I really like
Are the sounds of a switchblade and a motorbike
I'm a juvenile product of the working class
Whose best friend floats in the bottom of a glass

Don't give us none of your aggravation
We've had it with your discipline
Saturday night's alright for fighting
Get a little action in

Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this town alight
`Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright alright alright

Don't give us none of your aggravation
We've had it with your discipline
Saturday night's alright for fighting
Get a little action in

Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this town alight
`Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright alright alright

Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday night's alright

Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday night's alright

Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday night's alright

---

i meant to put max sedgley's "happy" (nothing like the pop tunes commonly associated with that title) or nathan haines "doot dude" (ft Lyric L).. but i cant even find them on kazaa. or the lyrics. gilles peterson helps keep me sane.

there has to be a systemic reason why im continually dissatisfied with the way im living my life.. but i havent read enough of the book to figure it out yet. in the meantime, everything's peachy.

timestamp: anonymous 14:35 0 comments