6.28.2003

 

[throttle]

my temperament seems to be getting from bad to worse - things that wd hardly have fazed me in the past now genuinely begin to irk me, a hair's breadth away from arousing my ire. of course there's hardly a ripple on the surface but inside im slowly simmering. perhaps this is the price you pay for gradually becoming sharper - your tolerance for counterproductive behaviour largely dissipates. strangely enough this sharpness, of late, comes more from driving than from work, though i can foresee that soon enough my work *will* school me in catching all the smallest details (literally that or bust).. [ on my first drive off the circuit (hence on the road, by elimination) i missed a ped on the opposite side of the street at a box junction. no longer! hopefully.. ]

as always, attitude is the number one reason why my blood boils. poor performance is tolerable, if not completely understandable, on a case by case basis but there is never an excuse for having a poor attitude, which then invariably affects your work. lack of enthusiasm now falls under my danger zone, and outright reluctance is squarely within. ive never been idealistic enough to expect that everybody in an organisation would go all out for the cause, but lately virtually everything smacks of a bad attitude - again, this may be attributed to hypersensitivity.

truth be told im also getting very sick of being the punching bag for the world. even the nicest people go off and enjoy themselves, leaving their dirty work for me, often at a moment's notice. i feel used, spent, worthless... and very, very indignant.

in a situation like this the obvious response would be to try what has always worked to remedy things. in my case its the trademark Boxer motto out of Animal Farm - i will work harder! but the harder you push, the harder the system pushes back. (somebody's dunno-wat law of no net change, something like that) using an ever-bigger hammer doesn't always solve the problem, especially when its not the right tool for the job. the only real solutions that result in positive change are often non-intuitive and hardly obvious, because their effects are felt in another part of the system, which then comes back to influence you. ive been reading too much about systemic thinking!

Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life

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I'm packed and I'm holding
I'm smiling, she's living, she's golden
She lives for me, says she lives for me
Ovation, her own motivation
She comes round and she goes down on me
And I make her smile, like a drug for you
Do ever what you wanna do, coming over you
Keep on smiling, what we go through
One stop to the rhythm that divides you
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse
Chop another line like a coda with a curse
Come on like a freak show takes the stage
We give them the games we play, she said...
I want something else, to get me through this
Semi-charmed kinda life, baby, baby
I want something else, I'm not listening when you say good-bye
The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there, someplace back there
Smiling in the pictures you would take
Doing crystal myth, will lift you up until you break
It won't stop, I won't come down
I keep stock with the tick-tock rhythm, I bump for the drop
And then I bumped up, I took the hit that I was given
Then I bumped again, then I bumped again
I said...
How do I get back there, to the place where I fell asleep inside you
How do I get myself back to the place where you said...
I want something else, to get me through this
Semi-charmed kinda life, baby, baby
I want something else, I'm not listening when you say good-bye
I believe in the sand beneath my toes
The beach gives a feeling, an earthy feeling
I believe in the faith that grows
And the four right chords can make me cry
When I'm with you I feel like I could die
And that would be all right, all right
And when the plane came in, she said she was crashing
The velvet it rips in the city, we tripped on the urge to feel alive
Now I'm struggling to survive, those days you were wearing that velvet dress
You're the priestess, I must confess
Those little red panties they pass the test
Slide up around the belly, face down on the mattress
One
And you hold me, and we're broken
Still it's all that I wanna do, just a little now
Feel myself, head made of the ground
I'm scared, I'm not coming down
No, no
And I won't run for my life
She's got her jaws now, locked down in a smile
But nothing is all right, all right
And I want something else, to get me through this life
Baby, I want something else
Not listening when you say...
Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye
Good-bye
The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Someplace back there, in the place we used to start
I want something else

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i think all this is somehow related to the way i turn corners - pressing too hard on the accelerator and rounding the bend much faster than expected. while in first gear. there's a parable in that somewhere.

timestamp: anonymous 16:49 0 comments