6.28.2003

 

[throttle]

my temperament seems to be getting from bad to worse - things that wd hardly have fazed me in the past now genuinely begin to irk me, a hair's breadth away from arousing my ire. of course there's hardly a ripple on the surface but inside im slowly simmering. perhaps this is the price you pay for gradually becoming sharper - your tolerance for counterproductive behaviour largely dissipates. strangely enough this sharpness, of late, comes more from driving than from work, though i can foresee that soon enough my work *will* school me in catching all the smallest details (literally that or bust).. [ on my first drive off the circuit (hence on the road, by elimination) i missed a ped on the opposite side of the street at a box junction. no longer! hopefully.. ]

as always, attitude is the number one reason why my blood boils. poor performance is tolerable, if not completely understandable, on a case by case basis but there is never an excuse for having a poor attitude, which then invariably affects your work. lack of enthusiasm now falls under my danger zone, and outright reluctance is squarely within. ive never been idealistic enough to expect that everybody in an organisation would go all out for the cause, but lately virtually everything smacks of a bad attitude - again, this may be attributed to hypersensitivity.

truth be told im also getting very sick of being the punching bag for the world. even the nicest people go off and enjoy themselves, leaving their dirty work for me, often at a moment's notice. i feel used, spent, worthless... and very, very indignant.

in a situation like this the obvious response would be to try what has always worked to remedy things. in my case its the trademark Boxer motto out of Animal Farm - i will work harder! but the harder you push, the harder the system pushes back. (somebody's dunno-wat law of no net change, something like that) using an ever-bigger hammer doesn't always solve the problem, especially when its not the right tool for the job. the only real solutions that result in positive change are often non-intuitive and hardly obvious, because their effects are felt in another part of the system, which then comes back to influence you. ive been reading too much about systemic thinking!

Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life

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I'm packed and I'm holding
I'm smiling, she's living, she's golden
She lives for me, says she lives for me
Ovation, her own motivation
She comes round and she goes down on me
And I make her smile, like a drug for you
Do ever what you wanna do, coming over you
Keep on smiling, what we go through
One stop to the rhythm that divides you
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse
Chop another line like a coda with a curse
Come on like a freak show takes the stage
We give them the games we play, she said...
I want something else, to get me through this
Semi-charmed kinda life, baby, baby
I want something else, I'm not listening when you say good-bye
The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there, someplace back there
Smiling in the pictures you would take
Doing crystal myth, will lift you up until you break
It won't stop, I won't come down
I keep stock with the tick-tock rhythm, I bump for the drop
And then I bumped up, I took the hit that I was given
Then I bumped again, then I bumped again
I said...
How do I get back there, to the place where I fell asleep inside you
How do I get myself back to the place where you said...
I want something else, to get me through this
Semi-charmed kinda life, baby, baby
I want something else, I'm not listening when you say good-bye
I believe in the sand beneath my toes
The beach gives a feeling, an earthy feeling
I believe in the faith that grows
And the four right chords can make me cry
When I'm with you I feel like I could die
And that would be all right, all right
And when the plane came in, she said she was crashing
The velvet it rips in the city, we tripped on the urge to feel alive
Now I'm struggling to survive, those days you were wearing that velvet dress
You're the priestess, I must confess
Those little red panties they pass the test
Slide up around the belly, face down on the mattress
One
And you hold me, and we're broken
Still it's all that I wanna do, just a little now
Feel myself, head made of the ground
I'm scared, I'm not coming down
No, no
And I won't run for my life
She's got her jaws now, locked down in a smile
But nothing is all right, all right
And I want something else, to get me through this life
Baby, I want something else
Not listening when you say...
Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye
Good-bye
The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Someplace back there, in the place we used to start
I want something else

---

i think all this is somehow related to the way i turn corners - pressing too hard on the accelerator and rounding the bend much faster than expected. while in first gear. there's a parable in that somewhere.

timestamp: anonymous 16:49 0 comments

6.18.2003

 

[footwork]

disclaimer: bad post ahead.

sometimes the most mundane things can become the most persistent and insistent motifs in your life. just last sunday i had a rude shock when my fixed instructor wound up teaching sbdy else who had been given the same car number that was printed on my crisp reporting slip still fresh from the printer. minutes later i found myself in a totally unfamiliar car with an instructor i had never seen before, and who was much less forgiving than my usual one. i guess something like that every once in a while is good, if not for the fact that im still paying an additional 10 bucks just to have somebody from the instructor pool teach me. reality always has a nasty knack for being brutal, and i've since learnt that i'm not always aware of the locations of pedestrians attempting to cross the road, that i dont always check my blind spots before switching lanes, that i shouldnt drive too long on first gear even on the circuit, that i almost never change down gears when i slow down, that i dont hit the brakes while turning, and that my footwork is atrocious. not in those words of course.

this being my third lesson its probably understandable that my footwork isnt particularly good, my reputation of being a klutz notwithstanding, and im only too acutely aware of how bad i actually am. the previous lesson was almost an exercise in starting the car - on the road - after jarring stall after jarring stall. sometimes at traffic lights, too, might i add. my problem lies with the balance between easing off the clutch and gently pressing the accelerator.. and my poor coordination in general between changing gears and slowing / stopping. (im almost convinced ill never get my license a) anytime soon b) by august c) in 25 lessons) not to mention the haphazardness of my schedule - tuesday's big regular meetings gets shifted to mon at 1800, of all things, and ends at 1910 on the dot. which incidentally was the time my fourth lesson would have started. and the driving centre called up my home as though i had played truant!! but credit where credit is due. i guess its quite touching that they care so much abt each n every student.

on piste my footwork was never much better. shuffle shuffle here stumble stumble there. big heavy plodding steps when others glide effortlessly over the (depending on where you were) metal or rubber strip. the overexaggerated shifting of weight that always gave my lunges away. the lazy dragging of feet. the hesitant, jerky riding motion (body moving in the vertical plane) that could only belong to somebody trying to overcome a severe lack of psychomotor skills.

and im still stumbling over simple tasks everybody my age has no problems doing. one look and all my guys know ive never played basketball or soccer much before.. not that i really care, but sometimes its just another cruel reminder that under all appearances i am still living on the bona fide outer fringe of society.

im worse off at the frentic tangle that makes up work, and working life. totally sick of the way .....

forget it.

it's getting kinda cringeworthy.. somehow all my good blog-writing ideas turn into mush when i actually start typing. when it's in my head it actually sounds kinda workable. ahhh heck.

dead beat. 3h for two days running, and feeling the aftereffects. working and studying are just so different - you can stay up all night while schooling and still feel a-ok the next day, but you can't really pull that off when you're working.

and sometimes when im sick and tired of it all i feel the need to reinvent myself. a systemic purge to remove all the bad, the unwanted, and replace them with new interests, new pursuits, and hopefully new traits that will help me become more accepted. like how a snake sheds its skin, or how a phoenix rises from the ashes.. no intended reference to the new harry potter book, of course.

there's no loneliness worse than being totally frustrated without having anybody you can tell about all your troubles, or somebody who might remotely understand.

someday when i can write better ill rewrite this post. id delete it.. but id hate to waste the time i spent on it. ill try not to post when i should be sleeping in future.

black eyed peas ft justin timberlake - where is the love

---

What's wrong with the world, mam
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Badness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
N**, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With the ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our own direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive to lovers bound

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

---

timestamp: anonymous 14:40 0 comments

6.11.2003

 

[crash]

36h. out on the road for most of that period of time. running around like an idiot from point a to point b for administrative purposes (opening, closing gates, taking keys, resup-ping batteries, checking, recce, ferrying ppl to n fro, etc etc), pushed the rover twice to start it, rolled down steep hills four times (maybe more, i lost count) cos the gearshift wouldnt engage (high 4WD vs lo 4WD), had 1x packet milo and a bit of chicken to tide me over the greater part of 24h. and i am so completely stoned now.

Eason Chan - K Ge Zi Wang

---

---

so sad.. and so beautiful. such songs are so hard to find.

timestamp: anonymous 13:22 0 comments

6.01.2003

 

[ny state of mind]

confusion. the sense of helplessness when worlds collide - when the many worlds you have tried so hard to keep separate from one another inevitably come crashing together to coalesce into one throbbing chaotic mess. everything's a blur. everything's a haze. trying to stay afloat. but buoyed by a sense of purpose, the kind of single-minded drive that makes the 4-minute mile possible. sometimes you just have to make adversity your own pillar of strength - even if it really isnt. i feel like i can move mountains.

Black Box Recorder - The Facts Of Life

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Do do do, do do do
Do do do, do do do

When boys are just eleven
They begin to grow in height at a fast rate than they have done before
They develop curiosity and start to fantasise
About the things they have never thought of doing before
These dreams are no more harmful than
The usual thoughts that boys have of becoming football stars or millionaires
As long as the distinction between fantasy and fiction remains
It's just a nature walk

It's just the facts of life
There's no master plan
Walk me home from school
I'll let you hold my hand
You're getting ideas
And when you sleep at night
They develop into sweet dreams
It's just the facts of life

A boy sits by the telephone, wanting to call a girl
But not daring to because she might say no
At last he summons up the courage phones
And discovers someone else has asked her first and she's said yes
Now's time to deal with the fear of being rejected
No-one gets through life without being hurt
At this point the boy who's listening to this song
Is probably saying it's easier said than done and it's true

It's just the facts of life
There's no master plan
Walk me home from school
I'll let you hold my hand
You're getting ideas
And when you sleep at night
They develop into sweet dreams
It's just the facts of life

Do do do, do do do
Do do do, do do do

Small-town dating differs from more urban situations
In particular if there's few places to go
Adolescents normally gather in a cafe or an arcade
If they have to almost anywhere will do
A family car, a disused coalmine
A rowing boat or a shed
Experimentation, familiarisation
It's all a nature walk

It's just the facts of life
There's no master plan
Walk me home from school
I'll let you hold my hand
You're getting ideas
And when you sleep at night
They develop into sweet dreams
It's just the facts of life

It's just the facts of life (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
There's no master plan (Ideas develop into sweet dreams)
Walk me home from school (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
I'll let you hold my hand (Let you hold my hand)
You're getting ideas (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
And when you sleep at night (Ideas develop into sweet dreams)
They develop into sweet dreams (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
It's just the facts of life

It's just the facts of life (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
There's no master plan (Ideas develop into sweet dreams)
Walk me home from school (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
I'll let you hold my hand (Let you hold my hand)

---

streamofconsciousness it's the facts of life.

timestamp: anonymous 17:37 0 comments