6.18.2003

 

[footwork]

disclaimer: bad post ahead.

sometimes the most mundane things can become the most persistent and insistent motifs in your life. just last sunday i had a rude shock when my fixed instructor wound up teaching sbdy else who had been given the same car number that was printed on my crisp reporting slip still fresh from the printer. minutes later i found myself in a totally unfamiliar car with an instructor i had never seen before, and who was much less forgiving than my usual one. i guess something like that every once in a while is good, if not for the fact that im still paying an additional 10 bucks just to have somebody from the instructor pool teach me. reality always has a nasty knack for being brutal, and i've since learnt that i'm not always aware of the locations of pedestrians attempting to cross the road, that i dont always check my blind spots before switching lanes, that i shouldnt drive too long on first gear even on the circuit, that i almost never change down gears when i slow down, that i dont hit the brakes while turning, and that my footwork is atrocious. not in those words of course.

this being my third lesson its probably understandable that my footwork isnt particularly good, my reputation of being a klutz notwithstanding, and im only too acutely aware of how bad i actually am. the previous lesson was almost an exercise in starting the car - on the road - after jarring stall after jarring stall. sometimes at traffic lights, too, might i add. my problem lies with the balance between easing off the clutch and gently pressing the accelerator.. and my poor coordination in general between changing gears and slowing / stopping. (im almost convinced ill never get my license a) anytime soon b) by august c) in 25 lessons) not to mention the haphazardness of my schedule - tuesday's big regular meetings gets shifted to mon at 1800, of all things, and ends at 1910 on the dot. which incidentally was the time my fourth lesson would have started. and the driving centre called up my home as though i had played truant!! but credit where credit is due. i guess its quite touching that they care so much abt each n every student.

on piste my footwork was never much better. shuffle shuffle here stumble stumble there. big heavy plodding steps when others glide effortlessly over the (depending on where you were) metal or rubber strip. the overexaggerated shifting of weight that always gave my lunges away. the lazy dragging of feet. the hesitant, jerky riding motion (body moving in the vertical plane) that could only belong to somebody trying to overcome a severe lack of psychomotor skills.

and im still stumbling over simple tasks everybody my age has no problems doing. one look and all my guys know ive never played basketball or soccer much before.. not that i really care, but sometimes its just another cruel reminder that under all appearances i am still living on the bona fide outer fringe of society.

im worse off at the frentic tangle that makes up work, and working life. totally sick of the way .....

forget it.

it's getting kinda cringeworthy.. somehow all my good blog-writing ideas turn into mush when i actually start typing. when it's in my head it actually sounds kinda workable. ahhh heck.

dead beat. 3h for two days running, and feeling the aftereffects. working and studying are just so different - you can stay up all night while schooling and still feel a-ok the next day, but you can't really pull that off when you're working.

and sometimes when im sick and tired of it all i feel the need to reinvent myself. a systemic purge to remove all the bad, the unwanted, and replace them with new interests, new pursuits, and hopefully new traits that will help me become more accepted. like how a snake sheds its skin, or how a phoenix rises from the ashes.. no intended reference to the new harry potter book, of course.

there's no loneliness worse than being totally frustrated without having anybody you can tell about all your troubles, or somebody who might remotely understand.

someday when i can write better ill rewrite this post. id delete it.. but id hate to waste the time i spent on it. ill try not to post when i should be sleeping in future.

black eyed peas ft justin timberlake - where is the love

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What's wrong with the world, mam
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Badness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
N**, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With the ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our own direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive to lovers bound

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

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