2.23.2003

 

btw - try this Design and Architecture tour of Scandinavia from Slate mag. whoa!

timestamp: anonymous 13:26 0 comments

 

whoa. last sat - the pushing the car/rover thing - feels like it happened over a month ago; i mention it now cos i happened to see some ppl trying to jumpstart their car along the side road that leads to my place, and it suddenly occurred to me that i had tried something similar (in the end we couldnt jumpstart since nobody brought the necessary cables along... though im quite sure coax (RF aka CX? CG? !!) cable wouldve substituted just fine, if u discount the 12/06 (aka pay for the cost of damaged equipment), that is) just last week, yet it just din feel like it happened last week. wasnt that deliciously rambly and roundabout? that ones for you mingy.

think i can safely conclude that during ex at least, im now subjected to the full load of my med peers, with all the stress, late nights and attention-demanding presence-of-mind-requiring things to learn and do. im hoping that its only during exercise, but who knows? not tt i wanna complain but really ive been crawling back to bunk at around 0200, have a quick bath and maybe some semblance of a snack before i hit the sack at 0230, only to get up around 0630 (supposed to be 0530 for 5 Basic eXercise but were all way too tired to do it anyway), skip breakfast (oops maybe i shouldnt reveal that!) and hop on a tonner to go to the wargames centre where we have a CP - command post. as you might imagine this being a wargames centre this exercise obviously doesnt involve real troops on real soil, only computer-controlled ones on a fictious map, all running on Sun workstations, too, might i add. however the CP, the commanders and the stress involved in running the show is very real! okay i dont really know whats e point im trying to bring out is, actually. suffice to say that ive surprised myself by staying alive this entire week. thats not a mean feat considering that im more or less CO PA (personal assistant), and everybodys scared to death of him. hes not a bad guy, but a perfectionist (i can so relate to that).. and yes obviously ive fumbled many, many times. surviving on a mixture of strawberry fruitella, mentos cool mint, hot tea (thank you QM!!) and adrenaline. seems like all we ever do is rush for the next commanders' conference group, whereby stuff needs to be presented.. and cos we work on a 1:2 timestep, where 1hr of real time = 2 hrs exercise time, were virtually doing powerpoint slides the whole day thru. my eyes are bleary already, imagine what a whole year's worth of staring into the computer screen - on and off exercise, during normal times too - will do for my myopia.

now that my bdae's over, and of all days the exercise HAD to start on my bdae.. CO announced to the whole signal cell that it was my bdae. *groan* and that i wasnt the only one to be working on my bdae... *double groan* at least that means that nobody will try to kiwi my behind or pull any funny stunts. heh. but as grace has pointed out and which i blatantly paraphrase, im no longer a teen yet not yet an adult. its that horrible crossroads of life (oh no, not another britney reference!! the horror.. did u catch the first one?) known as a quarterlife crisis, after a selfhelp book of the same name which im quite ashamed to admit ive read a year ago (in bmt!). this week has made me realise im stil coming to terms with the responsibilities vested in me, which have expanded exponentially, might i add, and that my situational awareness is still zilch. since situational awareness by any other name also means being street smart, im still not yet ready for the school of hard knocks yet. its such a scary thought, that after it all im really not (yet?) cut out for the real world. and it just so happened that while going home on sat evening (EVENING, mingy, EVENING!!!! you Rarely Seen After Five person you... grr) kaiwei told me that cpt gerald wanted me in his company in here as a node commander so that he could protect me, since i really wouldnt survive out in the big unknown as a BSO. and i tend to think that that's quite true, i really wouldnt be able to manage as a BSO. incidentally chances are ill no longer be in his company (not literally of course.. er you know what i mean) since apparently ive been told by my direct boss i was headhunted before the end of the course. heck, he was sitting next to me n john during the SOCC end of course dinner with all those commanders invited back etc etc. but its also set me thinking about how unprepared to face the real world i am. its relevant, since i just turned 20, in the same way that last weeks song, the Dixie Chicks "Landslide" was relevant since it was about growing older - its just such a scary thought. the world can be such an intimidating place.

Appleton - Dont Worry

---

Dont worry cause I'll always
be there for you
(in the heavens above)
I just needed you to comfort me
and I have tried to make it right
and I dont know that I feel so sure
but I think that we missed out
so I've sung this song to you,
and I just want you to say to me
dont worry cause I'll always
be there, there for you
(in the heavens above)
dont worry cause I'll always
be there, there for you
always be there
all I wanted was to stand alone
so is there a place that we could
meet? and you see this face within
your face and I, stayed away but
I'm back to hear you say
dont worry cause I'll always
be there, there for you
(in the heavens above)
dont worry cause I'll always
be there, there for you
always be there
(in the heavens above)
(heavens above, heavens above)
can you hear me?
(can you hear me?)
through the spaces?
(through the spaces?)
wandering in this wonderland?
and if I try to understand it,
broken man, broken man
dont worry cause I'll always
be there, there for you
(there, there for you)
(in the heavens above)
dont worry cause I'll always
be there, there for you
always be there
in the heavens (dont worry)
in the heavens (dont worry)
in the heavens (for you)
dont worry, dont worry
yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah
dont worry, dont worry
yeah yeah yeah yeah

---

how i wish sbdy cd tell me that.

timestamp: anonymous 13:23 0 comments

2.16.2003

 

in here, days feel like weeks simply because there's just so much happening, so many things to do, and the days are literally endless. each day i crawl back to the bunk no earlier than 2330, sometimes even past midnight, usually without dinner, since theres really no time to even eat. i know i shouldnt be complaining, that's just my lot in life. but as a direct result of this, im also learning a lot. pris has had a very thought-provoking v dae and incidentally so have i.. i also feel like ive aged 10 years in the past couple of days. or maybe sat in particular. activated to deploy at a cemetary on sat 1130, waited for a particular cable to be retrieved from another camp, pushed out at 1200, stumbled my way there as veh com, then it *rained* on us the whole afternoon while we were trying to get comms, and we needed a link of at least a certain quality, which was always interrupted every couple of minutes cos of lightning. we din bring out a notebook so we couldnt open a particular kinda file, i almost got fried for that since i was in command (and believe me this was my first time being in command... kinda like a node comd, actually), and to top it off we got called back - but my vehicle wouldnt start! we had to push it in the rain, then when that din work the drivers called their frens and so 11 people wound up staring at an engine on a sat evening, trying to get it to start.. that's just a brief summary of what i went thru on sat - wasnt actually intending to put it up but well in the end, i have, so.. really din wanna talk about it. was going to not blog this weekend since im about to go back in and theres still a ton of things to do to prepare for next week.

still, i guess you can imagine what ive been thru, hw much ive learnt, and how much ive aged in the process..

strangely enough, third eye blind's "semi-charmed life" is playing on the radio as im blogging this post. im not including the lyrics since ive already decided to put in the dixie chicks' "landslide", which i heard this afternoon while on the road.. (incidentally does anybody still remember their breakthrough single, "Wide Open Spaces"?).. but i have a point to make about "semi-charmed life", and that's about the most famous line from the song - "i want something else/ to get me through this/ semi-charmed kinda life". while my life still feels very empty - like slogging away an entire week just to come home but not have anything to look forward to once im home - and my working life is quite sucky from a very subjective point of view, i still love the job. its really made for me, the way i am, my work ethic and disinclination toward the physical. im really quite okay with the insane mental pressures so long as im not expected to run and cheong (even as a node commander, who really doesnt have to run at all, but is expected to be fitter than his/her men/women), even though i work in a pressure cooker and everybody (myself included) is terrified of our overall boss (not to be confused with my direct boss, who's quite a nice guy) whos demanding as well as particular, despite the crazy hours we work and how little time i actually spend sleeping, much less at home - somehow im not left wanting "something else/ to get me through" work. theres some sort of morbid fascination and sense of challenge about it.. im not afraid to share this - at least on my blog - because come monday, a major exercise starts (monday, of all days!!) and will continue for the next few weeks, and itll be the epitome of tough. the past week was nothing compared to what's gonna come.

while rummaging through the mountains of stuff in the filing cabinet in my cubicle (not office, natch..) at least i have partitions. but theyre only on either side of the table, not in front, and theyre about eye level at best - the more senior officers have standing-height partitions to effectively give them a sorta cubicle-office, and my direct boss has his own room. i digress - anyway its no secret that im the most junior officer there, and theres still a possibility that i wont be the OO.. that's why its imperative that i do well in this exercise so that i may earn my keep.. *sweatdrop* anyway i found a rubber stamp and a notebook (the paper kind) belonging to - of all people! - the timothy quek, nsts merit winner, all-round smart guy, overachiever and my peer support leader from way back in sec 1 (he was sec 4 then)... whoa!! its so freaky finding out that he was in this position before.. and its an additional reason why i have to keep this appointment. anyway his notebook is full of little songs he wrote, and the front page urges anybody finding it to return it to him, so maybe i shall, after ive read it n posted a few of the songs here. heh.

Dixie Chicks - Landslide

---

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
Well...

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older, too
Well I'm getting older too

So, take this love and take it down
Yeah and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well maybe
Well maybe
Well maybe the landslide will bring you down

---

timestamp: anonymous 12:43 0 comments

2.12.2003

 

trying to make the most of my life as it is now.. things are beginning to look up, a little, tho its certainly still too early to tell how things will be in future, so im still keeping my expectations horrifically low (ie that going home is a bonus). heck, was understudying the DO yesterday - and therefore only came back home today, missing out on what wdve been a nice night at home - not that i wdve been home any earlier, since i was working til 2200+. good grief, everybody seems to be a workaholic here.. bumped into jianhong while leaving for home today, he was on duty today.. pleasant surprise, since i really din expect to bump into anybody i remotely knew in here, and so far that makes 3 people i know in the entire complex - not in my direct unit though. i guess trying times make you learn to appreciate all the small little things in life.

not expecting to be home on fri, and come mon the 17th we jump into an exercise for the entire week. that doesnt preclude the requisite early morning exercise and compulsory runs on tue/thu/sat. before i stop groaning - i failed my obstacle thing by a very large margin cos i had trouble scaling the wall. incidentally ive never had any problem with the wall before.. then again i magically managed the monkey bars on this set of obstacles. strange!

getting virtually nothing else done in the meantime.. simply too tired when i crawl home. will try hard not to let the mood spill over into the blog - then again wasnt the whole idea of a blog to get things off your chest? heck my mind is bleary. wont be making any plans to learn driving anytime soon or even make social plans til life is more stable - ie at least til april, and that only marks the end of induction (cue tons of beer... *tiger* beer. ickkkkkkkk) and doesnt include getting into the flow of things. i seriously doubt the possibility of staying out given the way my first 2 days on attachment/understudy in my projected position (not firmed up yet until april, again, so i better prove my worth) have gone. i mean if i finish at 2300 then theres really not much point going home if i have to be back the next day by 0600 right? hope to be proven wrong. somehow that din come out right!

Kid Rock ft Sheryl Crow - Picture

---

[Kid Rock]
Livin' my life in a slow hell
Diff'rnt girl every night at the hotel
I aint seen the sun shine in 3 damn days
Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whisky
Wish I had a good girl to miss me
Lord I wonder if I'll ever change my ways
I put your picture away
Sat down and cried the day
I can't look at you, I'm lyin' next to her
I put your picture away, sat down and cried today
I can't look at you I'm lyin' next to her

[Sheryl Crow]
I called you lastnight in the hotel
Everyone knows but they wont tell
But their half hearted smiles tell me
Somethin' just ain't right
I been waitin' on you for a long time
Fuelin' up on heartaches and cheap wine
I ain't heard from you in 3 damn nights
I put your picture away
I wonder where you been
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him
I put your picture away
I wonder where you've been
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him
I saw ya yesterday with an old friend

[Kid Rock]
It was the same old same "how have you been"

[Both]
Since you been gone my worlds been dark & grey

[Kid Rock]
You reminded me of brighter days

[Sheryl Crow]
I hoped you were comin' home to stay
I was head of the church

[Kid Rock]
I was off to drink you away

[Both]
I thought about you for a long time
Can't seem to get you off my mind
I can't understand why we're living life this way
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I just called to say, I love you come back home

---

its quite a long, slow country song but its really nice esp at the end, the last two lines when everything goes super slow. awww. happy v-dae all!

ps i passed basic theory! hooray!

pps i was actually quite scared id fail since there were an alarming number of *thinking* questions not covered in the basic theory book... so there. what wd people think of me if id failed? *shudder*

timestamp: anonymous 10:33 0 comments

2.09.2003

 

depression sets in. life really stinks now in my new workplace - things are such a far cry from my old place. i dont think ill go into details now, or here, but i cant possibly imagine spending the next 1.5 years here. i wont be able to go home much cos this place isnt just far, its also very pro- stay in, and we run for breakfast, lunch and dinner. not literally, but basically its just run run run and run some more, and that's what im worst at. to top it off theres yet another induction program (or 2), which will officially begin in march, for a month, but in the meantime it just means life is just plain bad from now til april - being treated like recruits again, can you imagine that? theres no real guarantee whether life will improve later on, too.

just feeling very sad and not quite able to express it. may not be able to blog regularly in future, either, since coming home - even on weekends - seems to be something of a bonus round here. i hate my life.

timestamp: anonymous 04:16 0 comments