fanZINE
HOME
ARCHIVES
06.2002
07.2002
08.2002
09.2002
10.2002
11.2002
12.2002
01.2003
02.2003
03.2003
04.2003
05.2003
06.2003
07.2003
08.2003
09.2003
10.2003
11.2003
12.2003
01.2004
02.2004
03.2004
04.2004
05.2004
06.2004
07.2004
08.2004
09.2004
10.2004
11.2004
12.2004
01.2005
02.2005
04.2005
05.2005
07.2005
09.2005
10.2005
11.2005
03.2006
09.2006
10.2006
03.2007
07.2007
10.2007
04.2008
05.2010
08.2012
01.2013
official zine of CFYW =)
you know how to reach me!
11.27.2002
gonna b late getting to the airport already, this is not good.
kay cya all
ROC 281102 - 191202.
cya when i get back
Chantal Kreviazuk - Leaving on a Jet Plane
ooh
all my bags are packed
i'm ready to go
i'm standing here
outside your door
i hate to wake you up to say good bye
but the dawn is breaking
its early morn
the taxis waiting
he's blowing his horn
already i'm so lonesome i could die
*CHORUS
So kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause i'm leaving on a jet plane
don't know when i'll be back again
oh babe, i hate to go*
there's so many times i've let you down
so many times i've played around
i tell you now they don't mean a thing
every place i go i think of you
every song i sing i sing for you
when i come back
i'll wear your wedding ring
*CHORUS*
and now the time has come to leave you
one more time
oh let me kiss you
then close your eyes
and i'll be on my way
dream about the days to come
when i won't have to leave alone
about the times when i won't have to say...
*CHORUS*
i'm leaving on a jet plane
don't know when i'll be back again
oh babe, i hate to go
i'm leaving on a jet plane
leaving on a jet plane x 9
take that, jun! HAHA
*dumbfounded*
never realised that dj shadow's "six days" that ive been gushing about is actually about (cue drumroll) WAR.. or rather the state of the world as it relates to wars being raged. heck, interpret it for yourself.
DJ Shadow feat. Mos Def- Six Days
from the album Private Press
At the starting of the week
At summit talks you'll hear them speak
It's only Monday
Negotiations breaking down
See those leaders start to frown
It's sword and gun day
Tomorrow never comes until it's too late
You could be sitting taking lunch
The news will hit you like a punch
It's only Tuesday
You never thought we'd go to war
After all the things we saw
It's April Fools' day
Tomorrow never comes until it's too late
Tomorrow never comes until it's too late
You hear a whistling overhead
Are you alive or are you dead?
It's only Thursday
You feel a shaking on the ground
A billion candles burn around
Is it your birthday?
Tomorrow never comes until it's too late
Tomorrow never comes until it's too late
Make tomorrow come I think it's too late
gotta love artistes who come up with thotful stuff for songs instead of the formulaic boy/girlband stuff. not that i dont appreciate that, but theres a time and space (ho ho injoke) for each.. now's the time for thotprovoking stuff (if only to make up for the lack of it in prose on this blog).
incidentally, mos def is so cool! geddit? mos def? sheer ingenuity.
*groan* inertia.. cdve blogged e past few days but din, simply too tired or too busy (packing for roc, or playing liero [a freeware version of worms thats a lot more chaotic since its not turn-based] *grin* ) so i guess ill make up for it today. had a lot of stuff to blog (notice how ive been saying that for the past month or two) but its more or less dissipated in the time between concept and bloggging, so as usual this will wind up being a short post.
still partially excited and mostly worried about roc.. shucks. i dont want to go further on this topic.. still feeling rather woozy from having an abundance of sleep for the first time in months.. itll be the last time ill get so much sleep til i come back in time for xmas. did i mention i have a major exam on dec 23?
failed a physical test on mon by a mere 20s (timing to meet was < 9:30, i did 9:50) - i should be kinda distraught since only one other person failed, but strangely im kinda happy - happy cos i never expected to pass in the first place and this timing far surpasses my own expectations.. on the other hand it does mean ill be doing it again post-roc, post-xmas. =|
there are no interesting thots id like to share for the moment
11.24.2002
think my prediction of a blue xmas are gradually proving correct - inasmuch as i can foresee from now, of course - somehow i feel the distance between me and just about everybody i know/used to know. and normally by now id really be in a xmassy mood, yes, even last year, despite the culture shock when i first went in. theres no xmas wish list this year, there just isnt anything id particularly like to get. i dont fancy myself being particularly given to consumerism or rampant buying sprees either, so this could mean that im growing up... somehow theres just a dearth of stuff to get, or want.
random thot that cropped up in my head (that seems like it vaguely has value): its the little things that count in the end, i think.
melancholiness (melancholy? melan... how many variants of the word are there?) sets in.
video editing just takes up too much of my time- ive literally just wasted away (as in, you know, *wasted* wasted) the last weekend before roc. every time i go on a saturday i inevitably keel over from the accumulated weariness and just drift off, head slumped over the keyboard, basking in the warm glow from the CRT. its terribly terribly sad - i know im on the verge between credible and annoying self-pity here - but i just cant help but feel sad for myself. somehow ive lost my tolerance for the cold, i used to be able to sit for days in absolutely frigid air con rooms and traipse about happily in winter, in snow, in nothing more than 1 layer of clothes (um, long sleeves) .. but after less than a year of baking in the sun i now need a windbreaker to last the night in the video editing room. heck, even 24*C is cold to me now. something tells me im gonna freeze in taiwan the same way i did on biang (thats the 'mountain' we climbed in brunei. wet, cold, windy and miserable. gaaah) dont think i should expound on this any more.
should be leaving home now to pack my stuff for ROC, looking forward to the disembarkation leave on wed. cant help but feel that time flies - i can hardly believe im actually going to ROC, its the culumination of the course, the sumex (summary exercise) already, and its also the toughest period when we'll literally be under scrutiny and assessment (damn i hate that word) 24/7 x 18 days at least. and i cant believe its a month to xmas. i see decorations and i hear the jingles but it just doesnt *feel* like xmas. theres no heal-the-world or hug-a-tree type of caring or generosity that i can elicit.. i dont feel particularly grim or anything about roc, but somehow all the emotions have been drained from me. maybe im just tired. or maybe im jaded. i dont know anymore - i can only hope to wake up on wed and find that all this has passed. i really really hope so.
11.23.2002
realised its been way too long since i last posted anything on a sat - esp a sat when im supposed to be at home (instead of burning it away on overtime work)... tho having said that theres not much diff really, since im - you gussed it - still working on this week's worth of video. one complication now: the CCD in the camera seems to be on the verge of going already and i leave for taiwan on thu am. work continues mon and tue, we get wed off and actually by wed night we have to be in the airport. that leaves me with all of 1 working day (wed) to either fix the camera or get a replacement. not good...
more stuff to come later, if im still capable of blogging (responsibly!) then. zoned out on little sleep for e past few days outfield. bleah.
11.17.2002
i dont normally repost (ha ha, riposte, geddit? sorry. in-joke) lyrics ive posted before in my blog, especially if it can be found on the same page, but here's an exception, cos i really cant find any better song than this that sums up the general feeling, and its a song im listening to over and over again to savour the moment. to all my frens who are down in the dumps.. im really not going to name everyone.
Coldplay - The Scientist
Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are,
I had to find you, tell you I need ya,
And tell you I set you apart,
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions,
Oh lets go back to the start,
Running in circles, coming in tails,
Heads on a science apart,
Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part,
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard,
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart,
Questions of science, science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart,
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me,
Oh and I rush to the start,
Running in circles, chasing tails,
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part,
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard,
I'm going back to the start
to be honest, its either this or the cardigans' "lovefool", but then again the former's so much more apt.
recommended reading for those wishing to know what's been happening in the course: Novacraft, my buddy (not literally, in the sense its used at work) mingyang's blog. thinking i may be off the blog for more than 3 weeks cos once i come back from ROC there'll be a TON of video to process.. so much for off-days after ROC. its gonna be a blue xmas, cooped up in a nondescript video editing room somewhere in the recesses of nus. and that's another big irony for all of you..
shucks i missed this!
anyway that link seems to have got me back into the world of neopets. (people who know my nick on neopets can go ahead n neomail me or visit my shop, etc) the last time i touched it was last dec - before i stepped into this big mess i now term work, or training - when i was fanatically playing neoquest (i still havent finished, tho to be fair i havent touched it for almost a year) all the way thru the A levels, cos thats when my cable connection finally came up. (i do suspect neoquest, together with icq, must have bumped my magix ADSL bill up into the 100s range for a month or two before i got cable... *grin*) i dont want to think how different things are, almost a year on (not yet a full year, cos by then ill be in ROC..) when everybody's literally all over the place and i cant even keep track of whats happening to my frens, much less myself. and yet its strangely comforting to know that some things dont change, even when these are the things u hate the most - the NKF came by to do a free health screening cum GIRO donation drive and i never knew i was that short or that fat before... my BMI a year on is almost 2 kg/m^2 more!! that cant be... *sob*
original point of the post: nothing seems to satisfy me these days, theres not even a decent game out there to play, i guess maybe thats why i went back to neopets after all. =|
just cant help but feel like my blog's *dying*. blogs, as an online phenomenon, are supposed to be updated as often as possible, i mean ideally like a few 1000 times a day, posting whatever interesting thots uve had- but 'as often as possible' really translates into once in a few weeks for me (it certainly feels that way) and as for interesting thots - havent particularly had any of note that i can remember, or even have the time to expound on at length. im not going to just quit this blog, but if anybody's wondering what's happening, actually ive posted it somewhere on the blog before - the pace of things is really picking up, most of the time we're outfield and theyve clamped down hard on hp use so i cant even check my mail from my phone (ah, the wonders of technology) much less have time to blog properly. heading for ROC next week, 28nov, for 3 weeks til 19dec. just in time for xmas... not before we've had another major exam. heck. din even study for friday's exam.. believe me when i say exam i do mean exam, counting for a disproportionate weightage of the knowledge component (out of the KAQ - Knowledge Abilities Qualities, + Physical, model of assessment) as compared to our usual tests. speaking of which we have another two on tues (havent studied either, am totally clueless about the topics) plus a physical test on mon and tue which i am quite incapable of passing. it's a veto factor for the course, i believe, so i think im quite screwed... enough griping.
anyway suffice to say i havent had a particularly rosy week and its kinda interesting that many of my frens (who are not in the course, obviously!!) are going thru similar rough patches at around the same time.. maybe its astrology or something, ive always found it terribly coincidental how my groups of frens would feel down one after another around the same time. shared experiences are out, since everybody's literally living in a world of their own, and i havent been keeping in contact with anybody at all the past couple of weeks. so that's really something to mull over.. when im outfield this week i guess.
not making much sense cos im still very drained. crappy video project, burning up all my weekends cooped up in the editing room in my dad's place. and the best part is i refuse to take any more footage - i havent actively video-ed anything at all for the past month, i believe, and im STILL doing so much, mainly cos its repeated work - every time i finish it some catastrophe strikes and i find myself starting from scratch again. ive had the hard disk formatted, a different version of premiere installed, and enough compatibility problems to drive a marraige counselor mad. *sigh* i think im getting downright sick of video editing...
um. wanted to say loads more things more meaningful and thought-provoking than just plain complaining about my life day in day out, but it seems like that's all im capable of doing nowofdays. so much for this being a mentally challenging vocation - in the end its still repetitive, mindlessly so, just that the day-to-day running is loads more complicated (and hence mentally taxing).
suspect itll be another blue xmas. somehow i just have this bad feeling itll turn out like the time i was stranded in perth for xmas- perth, or western australia, for that matter, feels so totally devoid of life and places to see, we spent virtually all our time out of perth but still couldnt find anywhere worth going- went thru a lot of trouble to get a net connection going, and this was back in the time where 33.6kbps modems were blazing fast and connecting to the net from overseas cost a bomb, as it still does, cos i missed all my frens.. and in the end i camped online the whole day with nobody to talk to. and that felt utterly horrible. maybe i recall this cos sometimes i feel i try very hard to reach out to my frens but nobody's ever there for me. then again maybe im just becoming a hermit. after all, i did remain quiet for 2 weeks, din i? nothing seems to satisfy nowofdays. havent been listening to all my shows, okay some were cancelled, but the rest are mostly on saturdays when im slogging away on the video and where theres no radio reception, much less phone reception, and its a right royal pain to set up the necessary programs to listen to streaming audio from the net (these arent my computers, remember?).. sigh. i know ive always been too dependent, too high-maintenance (even when i always pronounce myself a low-mainenance person) and now i probably am more independent - i dont go about dumping my problems to anybody in particular any more - but at the same time i dont know whats happening to me, or who i am any more. i feel that i have sinned, and i have, in many ways. i feel that i have suffered, but somehow i cant quite communicate (even when i pride myself on being able to communicate whatever feeling that happens to be on my mind) what ive gone thru to the people around me, partly out of fear that ill sound braggy n overbearing to those who havent gone thru these things, partly cos i think people wont be interested in hearing about them, and partly cos im so sick n tired of going thru all this crap that i cant possibly relate them again. and also cos ive learned that every time i say something it doesnt come out quite right..
somebody help me.
11.05.2002
Bic Runga - Sway
Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don't let me drown, let me down
I say it's all because of you
And here I go, losing my control
I'm practicing your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time to tell you why
I say it's infinitely true
[CHORUS:]
Say you'll stay, don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you
And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon
[CHORUS TWICE]
It's all because of you
It's all because of you
Now it all turns sour, come sweeten every afternoon
It's time to tell you why, I say it's infinitely true
[CHORUS TWICE]
It's all because of you
It's all because of you
It's all because of you
nothing much to say.. too tired to say much.. but i just felt like putting the song up, so there. it's my blog!! =)
11.03.2002
crawled home. made a bad call on e editing, rendered e files (which took quite a while) instead of manually copying them over (copy n paste) 1 at a time. oh heck ive actually posted that already! going going gone.. haha. anyway to moderate the mood a bit here's something inspirational for these trying times. thanks von. =)(loosely paraphrased)
when you're feeling down, you need to hit rock bottom
for only when you reach the end, then you have to face the reality
do you want to languish there or do you want to start bouncing back
you gotta make a choice and live with it
-- the horse whisperer
it sounds pretty common-sensical. oh well.
OST: Bjorn Torske - "Trobbel" (geddit?)
i absolutely HATE people (now thats something you dont see often!) who think they know a lot about editing who are very generous with their suggestions (oh, why don't you do blah blah blah...; you know you could do yadda yadda yadda..; its better if you do etc etc etc). and people who dont just bliming suggest but demand things are a couple of orders lower on my hierachy of life-forms. back seat drivers. mutter
i know i bitch about my life a lot and its increasing in frequency but i cant quite help it, its e only thing keeping me from actively hurting myself (as tho the things that happen arent enuf already). guess what? its 0041 now. ive spent more than 12 hrs in the editing studio already, after being let off on sat night (instead of sun morning) in view of my duty shift on mon, which means that i have to be in by 0600+. thats less than 5h from now - i havent even finished the crappy tape. narration is expected, ha ha, and premiere refuses to let me import the work so its either manually copy n paste 1 file at a time, or export the bloody thing into an avi, which takes quite a fair bit of time too. on top of that theres some pretty damned brainless copying of diagrams to do (5 of a block diagram, another 5 of a more complicated one) and 3 pages of a worthless journal nobody even bothers to read (its one of those must-submit things), not to mention that i wont get much sleep tomorrow (since im on duty) nor for the whole bloody week. and its another 1-day weekend next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, too. you get the idea. bloody hell.
OST- prodigy "fat of the land" album
this is the end of the page. just so you know.