11.17.2002

 

just cant help but feel like my blog's *dying*. blogs, as an online phenomenon, are supposed to be updated as often as possible, i mean ideally like a few 1000 times a day, posting whatever interesting thots uve had- but 'as often as possible' really translates into once in a few weeks for me (it certainly feels that way) and as for interesting thots - havent particularly had any of note that i can remember, or even have the time to expound on at length. im not going to just quit this blog, but if anybody's wondering what's happening, actually ive posted it somewhere on the blog before - the pace of things is really picking up, most of the time we're outfield and theyve clamped down hard on hp use so i cant even check my mail from my phone (ah, the wonders of technology) much less have time to blog properly. heading for ROC next week, 28nov, for 3 weeks til 19dec. just in time for xmas... not before we've had another major exam. heck. din even study for friday's exam.. believe me when i say exam i do mean exam, counting for a disproportionate weightage of the knowledge component (out of the KAQ - Knowledge Abilities Qualities, + Physical, model of assessment) as compared to our usual tests. speaking of which we have another two on tues (havent studied either, am totally clueless about the topics) plus a physical test on mon and tue which i am quite incapable of passing. it's a veto factor for the course, i believe, so i think im quite screwed... enough griping.

anyway suffice to say i havent had a particularly rosy week and its kinda interesting that many of my frens (who are not in the course, obviously!!) are going thru similar rough patches at around the same time.. maybe its astrology or something, ive always found it terribly coincidental how my groups of frens would feel down one after another around the same time. shared experiences are out, since everybody's literally living in a world of their own, and i havent been keeping in contact with anybody at all the past couple of weeks. so that's really something to mull over.. when im outfield this week i guess.

not making much sense cos im still very drained. crappy video project, burning up all my weekends cooped up in the editing room in my dad's place. and the best part is i refuse to take any more footage - i havent actively video-ed anything at all for the past month, i believe, and im STILL doing so much, mainly cos its repeated work - every time i finish it some catastrophe strikes and i find myself starting from scratch again. ive had the hard disk formatted, a different version of premiere installed, and enough compatibility problems to drive a marraige counselor mad. *sigh* i think im getting downright sick of video editing...

um. wanted to say loads more things more meaningful and thought-provoking than just plain complaining about my life day in day out, but it seems like that's all im capable of doing nowofdays. so much for this being a mentally challenging vocation - in the end its still repetitive, mindlessly so, just that the day-to-day running is loads more complicated (and hence mentally taxing).

suspect itll be another blue xmas. somehow i just have this bad feeling itll turn out like the time i was stranded in perth for xmas- perth, or western australia, for that matter, feels so totally devoid of life and places to see, we spent virtually all our time out of perth but still couldnt find anywhere worth going- went thru a lot of trouble to get a net connection going, and this was back in the time where 33.6kbps modems were blazing fast and connecting to the net from overseas cost a bomb, as it still does, cos i missed all my frens.. and in the end i camped online the whole day with nobody to talk to. and that felt utterly horrible. maybe i recall this cos sometimes i feel i try very hard to reach out to my frens but nobody's ever there for me. then again maybe im just becoming a hermit. after all, i did remain quiet for 2 weeks, din i? nothing seems to satisfy nowofdays. havent been listening to all my shows, okay some were cancelled, but the rest are mostly on saturdays when im slogging away on the video and where theres no radio reception, much less phone reception, and its a right royal pain to set up the necessary programs to listen to streaming audio from the net (these arent my computers, remember?).. sigh. i know ive always been too dependent, too high-maintenance (even when i always pronounce myself a low-mainenance person) and now i probably am more independent - i dont go about dumping my problems to anybody in particular any more - but at the same time i dont know whats happening to me, or who i am any more. i feel that i have sinned, and i have, in many ways. i feel that i have suffered, but somehow i cant quite communicate (even when i pride myself on being able to communicate whatever feeling that happens to be on my mind) what ive gone thru to the people around me, partly out of fear that ill sound braggy n overbearing to those who havent gone thru these things, partly cos i think people wont be interested in hearing about them, and partly cos im so sick n tired of going thru all this crap that i cant possibly relate them again. and also cos ive learned that every time i say something it doesnt come out quite right..

somebody help me.

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