10.20.2006

 

[losing it]

some days, everything just doesn't seem right. it's just one of those days, to borrow the title of athlete's very very apt (and one of my favourite!) songs. well, here's another really apt song that's one of my favourites.


The Cardigans - My Favourite Game

---

I don't know what you're looking for
you haven't found it baby, that's for sure
You rip me up and spread me all around
in the dust of the deed of time

And this is not a case of lust, you see
it's not a matter of you versus of me
It's fine the way you want me on your own
but in the end it's always me alone

And I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my baby
losing my favourite game

I only know what I've been working for
another you so I could love you more
I really thought that I could take you there
but my experiment is not getting us anywhere

I had a vision I could turn you right
a stupid mission and a lethal fight
I should have seen it when my hope was new
my heart is black and my body is blue

And I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my favourite game
I've tried but you're still the same
I'm losing my baby
you're losing a saviour and a saint

timestamp: anonymous 18:19 0 comments

10.08.2006

 

[the first step is always the hardest]

it's the first weekend of term. one lecture, one seminar, 2 pages of references to go thru. i've got all the materials and papers ready and organised. but for some reason i just can't bring myself to start. there's something about a blank piece of paper that just stops me from writing on it.

it's probably just procrastination rearing it's ugly head again. i'm motivated, i'm interested in what i'm doing - maybe it's the fear of failure. that i don't want to write something that i'm going to have to change in a short while (but that's the whole point!!!) hmmm. well, i can't go on living my life like that. this changes, now.

timestamp: anonymous 16:56 0 comments

9.12.2006

 

[sea change]

consciousness is a really strange phenomenon: you can be aware of separate little facts but not quite see how they're connected - they just sit idly there, points of blinking light on a dark sky. all of a sudden, something changes: you acquire a new factoid, or just randomly see something happening, and everything falls into place. lines appear in the nothingness, constellations appear from the once random jumble.

too many things have happened since the last post that i can't possibly document them all. ive changed, matured, changed, and then changed some more. it's true that i'm constantly in a state of flux, but it's also time i became more mature and assumed more responsibility over my own actions for a change - rather than just assuming the responsibility for others. i daresay im good with other people, but absolutely rubbish when it comes to myself. (self sacrificial? lol)

so yes. i've decided i need to be more disciplined - to make the most of the very privileged situation im in (academic, social, etc), so that i can keep and protect all that is near and dear to me. it's going to be difficult, but i can't make any more excuses for myself. the past day i havent done anything much, but i know im only making excuses for myself; no more. a new me, once again. :)

~

on a very different note,

Madonna - Little Star

---

Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly

God gave a present to me
Made of flesh and bones
My life, my soul
You make my spirit whole

Never forget who you are
Little star
Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
Never forget where you come from
From love

You are a treasure to me
You are my star
You breathe new life
Into my broken heart

Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly

May the angels protect you
And sadness forget you
Little star

There's no reason to weep
Lay your head down to sleep
Little star

May goodness surround you
My love I have found you
Little star

Shining bright

You breathe new life
Into my broken heart

Never forget who you are
(Whispered:) Little star
Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
Flying higher than all the birds in the sky

Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget where you come from
From love

Little star
Little star
(Whispered:) Little star
From love

timestamp: anonymous 08:11 0 comments

3.23.2006

 

You ever see a house burning up in the night, way to hell and gone out there on the plains? Nothing but blackness and your headlights cutting a little wedge into it, could be the middle of the ocean for all you can see. And in that big dark a crown of flame the size of your thumbnail trembles. You'll drive for an hour seeing it until it burns out or you do, until you pull off the road to close your eyes or look up at sky punched with bullet holes. And you might think about the people in the burning house, see them trying for the stairs, but mostly you don't give a damn. They are too far away, like everything else.

The year I lived in that junk trailer in the Crazy Woman Creek drainage I thought Josanna Skiles was like that, the house on fire in the night that you could only watch. The reason for it seemed to be the strung-out, buzzed country and the little running grass fires of the heart, the kind that usually die out on their own but in some people soar into uncontrollable conflagration.

- starting paragraphs of A Lonely Coast, off E. Annie Proulx's Close Range: Brokeback Mountain and Other Stories

it's not especially poetic, but it's a very interesting image. it's in keeping with the whole theme of the book: short stories about country life in Wyoming, where the girls are as tough as the guys. and i like to think we're all a little like that. its not poetic, but its the truth.

timestamp: anonymous 02:55 0 comments