11.02.2004

 

[loneliness is just a state of mind]

so many things have happened that i just don't know where to begin. no one single event on its own is earth-shattering, but taken all together in rapid succession, the collective impact is just.. numbing.

i live my life with too much emotion for my own good. it's not healthy, and it's really just a waste of emotion over pointless things that aren't worth bothering about. and each time i open my heart to somebody, something goes horribly wrong. most of the time i'm one step too late (though it DOES beg the question whether anything i might have done earlier would make a difference - most of the time the honest answer is no) and on the rare occasion that it's not, i inevitably screw things up. sometimes i wonder whether i'm cut out for all this, whether i am the heartbreaker my ego insists i am (the ego being the ego, this is a purely bhb point), or indeed whether i have any semblance of a magnetic personality (if i do, it's set on 'repulse').

it's tempting to just shut the door and become cynical, but i've grown out of that a long time ago. now, it's just a numbing feeling that doesn't go away easily. i don't really blame anybody for my condition - everybody has a right to like somebody, and there exists a reciprocal right for that person to not like somebody back. i think i was just born and raised sensitive, to the point where its more of a hindrance than anything, and i've always been showered in nothing but love from my family, so much so that i tend to be overexpressive when it's unwarranted or worse, unwelcome. that's just the way i am, and it naturally predisposes me towards getting hurt.

i've thought long and hard about what it is about me that i could be doing wrong: too quiet, too reserved, too serious, the list goes on. i've tried to change time and time again, but i haven't really got very far from where i started. and that begs the question: is there a point in changing yourself? and as long as the person you like is entitled to not reciprocate, there is no point in changing, because you'll just keep changing and you'll still not satisfy anybody.

i've come so close to gaining street cred now - something i've always wanted - but i live with the burden of not fitting in. sometimes it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. always was too funky for the quiet, more studious types, and always was too geeky for the loud, trendsetting types. i can't really hold a conversation, and the problem is worse here because i don't really have much in common with everybody else - i don't follow football, or much sport for that matter, i don't go to formal dinners (too troublesome), i don't drink much, i don't go to the college disco (too cheesy for me) and i don't club normally (crap music and expensive). i'm on the verge of losing that cred because i don't always tag along on pub crawls or clubbing nights or college disco - i don't really enjoy those things, and nobody likes to go to big name DJ events for some strange reason. truth of the matter is it really shouldn't matter so much to me - i really should just be doing my thing regardless of what everybody else thinks - but i'm just too insecure to really be able to do that.

and apart from insecurity, i just think so much about things that it borders on the obsessive. your heart is always wrenched in two when you see someone you like with someone else - part of you is happy that they're happy and they're probably a better match for each other than you could ever hope to be, but the other part of you just thinks: why not me?

am i too picky in finding somebody i like? but if there's a spark there's a spark.. and i haven't found any lately.

i can't really be bothered if whoever i want IS like my parents or eventually winds up being like my parents - as long as i care about them, it doesn't really matter. people change all the time: if you know you like, even love a person enough, you'll stick by them no matter how much they change. thing is, romantic love isn't like parental love. even at its purest, you love a person conditionally - for being themselves. and if they do change abruptly (say, becoming a cold-blooded mass murderer) then there's nothing inherently wrong in not loving that person anymore, because they aren't being the self that you fell in love with in the first place. you just can't escape from the conditional aspect even at the purest form; thinking otherwise is self-delusional at best. not too worried about marriage in general - the important thing is finding the right person - and i've only just come to realise that despite what i thought, i've never met a single right person. .. but then that's just me.

need something to take my mind away from it all. any of 3 things now would help: a proper DJ coming down to spin a proper set in town, someone to share a deeply loving, mutual relationship with (im just SO dependent that i hate myself) or an engaging research project to make me feel enthusiastic again. thing is, i know i won't have the time for any of them, especially the last one.. but it keeps me challenged.

i just want to be accepted. i just want to love, and be loved. (doesn't everybody?) is that too much to ask?

Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds - There She Goes, My Beautiful World

---

The wintergreen, the juniper
The cornflower and the chicory
All the words you said to me
Still vibrating in the air
The elm, the ash and the linden tree
The dark and deep, enchanted sea
The trembling moon and the stars unfurled
There she goes, my beautiful world

There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes again

John Willmot penned his poetry
riddled with the pox
Nabakov wrote on index cards,
at a lectem, in his socks
St. John of the Cross did his best stuff
imprisoned in a box
And JohnnyThunders was half alive
when he wrote Chinese Rocks

Well, me, I'm lying here, with nothing in my ears
Me, I'm lying here, with nothing in my ears
Me, I'm lying here, for what seems years
I'm just lying on my bed with nothing in my head

Send that stuff on down to me
Send that stuff on down to me
Send that stuff on down to me
Send that stuff on down to me

There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes again

Karl Marx squeezed his carbuncles
while writing Das Kapital
And Gaugin, he buggered off, man,
and went all tropical
While Philip Larkin stuck it out
in a library in Hull
And Dylan Thomas died drunk in
St. Vincent's hospital

I will kneel at your feet
I will lie at your door
I will rock you to sleep
I will roll on the floor
And I'll ask for nothing
Nothing in this life
I'll ask for nothing
Give me ever-lasting life

I just want to move the world
I just want to move the world
I just want to move the world
I just want to move

There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes again

So if you got a trumpet, get on your feet,
brother, and blow it
If you've got a field, that don't yield,
well get up and hoe it
I look at you and you look at me and
deep in our hearts know it
That you weren't much of a muse,
but then I weren't much of a poet

I will be your slave
I will peel you grapes
Up on your pedestal
With your ivory and apes
With your book of ideas
With your alchemy
O Come on
Send that stuff on down to me

Send that stuff on down to me
Send that stuff on down to me
Send that stuff on down to me
Send that stuff on down to me
Send it all around the world
Cause here she comes, my beautiful girl

There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes again

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