7.26.2004

 

[eulogy]

i've been away for a little over a week, and so much has changed. the first weekend i was gone, one of the researchers at the institute im working in now passed on. what made it worse was that i knew him - not *very* well, to be honest, but he was on the same floor, same office, same lab. always smiling, a big joker, kind, and warm-hearted. it was a freak accident while on a trip to malaysia with colleagues - people i know too - in a part of malaysia i practically grew up in/with - i don't know if it was in the papers while i was gone; haven't read them, and probably won't have time to anyway. i learnt about it the most sterile way possible - inferred from mails on my work account. the inevitable collection for the bereaved family, scheduled visits by the counsellors.

i didn't even get to say goodbye.

when i got back to work today, the little label-printed nametag on his pigeonhole had been removed. just one gaping hole in the apartment-block-like mess of letters, flyers, papers and advertisements from lab supply companies. his cubicle, in stark, nay, poignant, contrast, was exactly the way it had been when i left before my vacation, the only difference being a bunch of fresh flowers placed gingerly in front of his workstation.

nobody talks about it; it's been over a week since the unfortunate incident, and life must move on. but it's a rude shock for me. i've lived a blessed life, because i've never seen anybody close to me pass on (*touch wood, with all my heart*) .. this is about the closest i've come to dealing with death.

im still much too sentimental for my own good, and i need to get a grip on myself soon. i can't imagine how i'll be like when my first patient dies on me (*again, touch wood, with all my heart*). time to start reading On Death and Dying.. (it's a book for those in the medical profession to learn how to cope with [professional] death.. not some funny self-help book!)

you know how it is - how the message behind some 'common-sensical' stuff never really hits home until you really experience it firsthand - it's the same thing here. i've never really known how precious life is/was, how you can suddenly *go* without warning. i'd have taken it a bit better if it was a road accident or something in singapore - who would have thought the trip with which they undertook with such great enthusiasm and fanfare? it's the unexpected, unpredictable, perhaps even unimaginable passing-ons that shock the most. if this sounds really haphazard and disorganised, well, i don't really have any solid lessons to draw from this, just a deep blue period of mulling over things in general.

the more i think about it, the more fated it seems - how some things are eventually inescapable. or, as i've seen in a quote from [here, badly misquoted] Terry Prachett, how everybody you meet is going to die anyway. and there's just so much more i want to do, have to do, yet to do.. it's some sort of morbidly depressing impetus to act - sooner rather than later.

im sure you've gone through some painful losses too. if you're comfortable sharing them with me, then pls let me know. im still trying to find meaning in this whole turn of events.

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Katie Melua - Crawling Up A Hill

---

Every morning (a)bout half past eight,
My Mummer wakes me says,
"Don't be late",
Get to the office, tryin' to concentrate,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill.

So I stop one day to figure it out,
I'll quit my job without a shadow of a doubt,
To sing the blues that I know about,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill.

Minute after minute,
Second after second,
Hour after hour goes by,
Working for a rich girl,
Staying just a poor girl,
Never stop to wonder why.

So here I am in London town,
A better scene Iüm gonna be around,
The kind of music that won't bring me down,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill.

Every morning (a)bout half past eight,
My Mummer wakes me says,
"Don't be late",
I get to the office, tryin' to concentrate,
My life is like a slow train crawling up a hill.

So I stop one day to figure it out,
I'll quit my job without a shadow of a doubt,
To sing the blues that I know about,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill.

Minute after minute,
Second after second,
Hour after hour goes by,
Working for a rich girl,
Staying just a poor girl,
Never stop to wonder why.

So here I am in London town,
A better scene I'm gonna be around,
The kind of music that won't bring me down,
Life is just a slow train.

So here I am in London town,
A better scene I'm gonna be around,
The kind of music that won't bring me down,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill

---

if the font comes out looking weird - new WYSIWYG blogger interface. excuse the font, ill figure out some way to fix it (if it is indeed broken).

katie melua's debut (i think) album - Call Off the Search. wonderfully atmospheric jazz-type vocals. endlessly adaptable.. respect.

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