5.31.2003

 

[social obligations]

a chance (in the negative sense) occurrence has brought out the essence of why i always seem to go it alone: the ignominy of having to abide by, and live up to, social obligations. some are born socially obliged, some achieve that, and some have it thrust upon them - to [very badly] paraphrase the Bard. achieving it - ie having good friends who expect you to give up some of your time every once in a while to catch up on old times (naturally the frequency and duration of each session depends on how emotionally needy the friend actually is) - is quite different from having it thrust upon you - being obliged to be somewhere just because of affiliation (which happens to be the most common cause) simply because of the element of choice. you chose your friends, you don't always choose where or with whom you wind up with, whether it's work or school. [one might argue, at this point, that friendship is another form of affiliation, but that is really pushing the diff meanings of the word and hence will be assumed as a trivial matter]

work, for one, is a perennial problem. mess events almost always feature compulsory attendance, in addition to having questionable characters for company (hint: think superiors and/or seniors), the imbibing of copious amounts of alcohol, their draggy nature itself, and are marked by a pervasive air of sheer unadulterated boredom. they often degenerate into cliques (believe it or not) and bunches of people huddled around the karaoke, the pool table and the bar counter. it doesnt help that the karaoke isnt particularly up-to-date.. the only chinese song i know that's in the list is the rappy zi yue by ah liang.. and the machinegun lyrics + the words (written in the complex style) complicate matters no end. i cant understand why they dont slot in a karaoke vcd of jay chou.. which at least i can manage. english songs are only mildly better.. since im horribly off-key and have the vocal range of maybe a bass recorder (if there was such a thing) .. about an octave max on the low end. now my big boss (not to be confused with my direct boss) thinks i always do punk rock songs. hooray. tell me - since when was matchboxtwenty punk rock? or lifehouse? incubus - drive - maybe.. but not matchboxtwenty..

school has brought its own fair share of problems, when sbdy takes the trouble to go organise a class gathering and how nobody bothers about it - almost verbatim (except that its been censored) from an earful i got yesterday. sometimes it has to do with class spirit, or how cliqueish a class is.. or sometimes just that people are busy. it may be an excuse - if you want to meet badly enough you'll fork out the time somehow - but there's no escaping it. it's a sooner or later thing.. like taxes. or death. if you never really felt like you belonged, would you go just to be ostracized again? if you could never seem to talk to the rest (aka what streats called STD - Small Talk Disorder), would you go to twiddle your thumbs in silence, looking on eagerly and expectantly hoping somebody will be gracious enough to remember that you exist and drop your name in the conversation?

i think ive always been on the fringe. always an outsider. never truly belonging to any one group. although i need my freedom and my own free space belonging is a latter-stage component of maslow's hierachy of needs. it's most painful when you have things to do but people you never had much affinity with try to stake claims on you and demand your presence, and you either don't really know how to excuse yourself, or you simply can't extricate yourself from the event. having said that it's also great to meet up with, and hear from peeps you really don't mind spending time with, especially those separated by schedule or by country. (ok disclaimer: i din put this bit in just so the people i was wif won misunderstand and kill me... wheres cfyw when you need them?!) maybe at the end of it all this entire problem is a consequence of my own egotism - the belief that my own activities are more impt than others; that i shouldnt (and won't) bend my schedule to fit theirs. but then again i shouldn't feel bad about that.

ooh. angst.

the White Stripes - Seven Nation Army

---

I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back
And I'm talkin' to myself at night
Because I can't forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a cigarette

And the message comin' from my eyes says leave it alone...

Don't wanna hear about it
Every single one's got a story to tell
Everyone knows about it
From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell
And if I catch it comin' back my way
I'm gonna serve it to you
And that ain't what you want to hear
But that's what I'll do

And the feeling coming from my bones says find a home...

I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera forevermore
I'm gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore
And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding
Right before the lord
All the words are gonna bleed from me
And I will think no more

And the stains comin' from my blood tell me "Go back home"...

---

lovely. i havent written like this in so long.. and my is it cathartic.

hows my writing? call 1800-4-FANZINE...

timestamp: anonymous 18:06 0 comments

5.25.2003

 

[all that jazz]

as usual my procrastinating tendencies have taken over and ive lost the better part of a day to, well, nothing. *pained look* sometimes its almost criminal, knowing that i cdve done so much more with my time.. and the most worrying thing is im not even anywhere a midlife crisis yet. (touch wood!)

had grandiose plans for a post today but after a few bouts of generals theyve all but dissipated. after a while i realise i only post about whatever's closest to my heart. it's especially so when you're stressed but just *have* to blog to get it out of your system.. pressure, of the temporal kind or otherwise, seems to bring out the best in bloggers. conversely it's when youre at your happiest, or free-est, or whatever have you, that you sort of lose the impetus to post. thats certainly what's going thru my head now.. cos i still have a ton of things to finish by tmr.

wondering why im drawn to jazz. it's probably got something to do with the way ive transited from zero-radio to 24-hr-listener, from bubblegum pop to euro trash to alternative to rock to the cutting edge of the dance genre, and more recently, from there to downtempo, chill-out (before that became passe) and leftfield. from leftfield to gilles peterson to experimental to jazz. i'm tracing this relatively clearly cos of a discussion i had wif calvin a while ago bemoaning the lack of people with similar musical interests around me (compared to around him). he's still firmly into trance.. i've since moved on to leftfield. interestingly enough jazz is one of those so-staid-its-subversive things.. like knitting. i have a story about my superior who started knitting one night in the office.. goodness knows what she was knitting. but i digress - i'm thinking of going for jeremy monteiro NYC trio with toots thielemans.. but im totally broke so its gonna have to be the cheapest $22 seats. anyhow this is a musical performance so there's not much point sitting all the way in front, imho. somehow i always thot more ppl wd be into jazz but, rather inexplicably, im wrong! sad. anyhow if u wanna go beep me and we'll go get tix. or mark chan's musical accompaniment to the silent movie Little Toys. worst come to worst ill go alone!

morcheeba - what new york couples fight about

---

Once a label is on something
It becomes an it
Like it's no longer alive

It's like a loss of vision
Or some dark impression
Or a black spot on your eye

If it's up to you
My little sweet baboo
Through the shouting and the fever
Think of life as queer
Think of it my dear
And some knobs or a fancy tone
From here there is no reason
Baby's got it made
But it's not what the life's about

What is imagination
May become a fact
If we think of it that way

If you want to know
I can tell you now
Oh if you make it through somehow
Or is it best to keep or fall to sleep
it isnt looking very good to me
from here

Hey
He's distressed
and I forget
I don't wanna know cause I forget
He's distressed
and I forget
I don't wanna know cause I forget
He's distressed
and I forget
I don't wanna know cause I forget
He's distressed
and I forget
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know

I don't wanna know
What do, new york
Couples fight about
Brothers gonna work it out
(Baby's got the bed sheet)
How do
(That was under you)
New york
(When your time and life expires)
Couples fight it out
What these couples fight about
(Keeps it in the closet)
What do
(Keeps it to herself)
New york
(She should throw the damn thing out)
Couples fight about
But this gonna work it out
(Why should you continue)
How do
(To shake it off)
New york
(Would you write things on the wall?)
Couples fight it out
What these couples fight about
(You could make it hard)
To be
In the shouting you will see
Or is it best to change the world you're keeping
Down again

Hey
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know

Such is the sound of sorry
Without the shy report
or the grips that could hold you down
(just when things were looking up you act just like a horse's butt)
Everything was simple
but the body's worn
Got the life spread on the ground
(Powder pink and general, the kitchen sink, a funeral)
Every loving other
Don't you fade on me
Like a bomb that's about to blow
(Often we will overlook the things that make it undercooked)
We can make it hard
Or we can take the world apart
Or you'd never be that sure
Of the simple things that makes you want
To cry, again

Hey
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know

He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know

---

that sound totally has to be how i feel. "he's distressed/and i forget/i dont wanna know cause i forget" - troubled without being pessimistic.. making light of my trials and tribulations. overall, a positive way of looking at a bad situation. (that still beats looking at a good situation negatively..) sometimes its just nigh on impossible to describe, not that that has ever stopped me from trying. that's the magic of music.

on an unrelated note - which sec sch shd u be in? from Quizilla. my word.. you will never believe which sch i tested as. i dont know whether i should be proud or ashamed of this.. for purposes of anonymity for the pretence of anonymity i shant name it. but you may guess! =)

timestamp: anonymous 15:48 0 comments

5.21.2003

 

[give or take]

tired beyond measure from late nights, hectic days, firefighting and just plain busyness. nary an end in sight.. the situation's far from bleak, its just.. relentless. or at least it's felt that way for the past few days. bit of a breather today.. but didn't get much done before new stuff piled up. really have to improve on my efficiency. and totally frustrated in some aspects. there are so many great films now (compared to a dearth barely 2 months ago).. ~sigh

misc quotes in the meantime.

"SARS, SARS, bloody SARS" - first two lines (and the only ones i remember!) from glenn ong's poem ranting about SARS when he was still on 987

"a woman will never be more impt than the music. and if a woman thinks she is, then she's just kidding herself, because if a man likes the music, then that's where he's gonna be." - female sample from Gilles Peterson's Worldwide (unknown source, but i believe it should be from a 50s or pre-50s movie or radio show) sometimes i really wonder where they get all their samples from. it certainly sounds authentic to me, but one can never tell..

and this.....

pug jelly - give or take
transcibed by yours truly.. you saw it here first.

---

we used to go for coffee and we used to go and talk
remember times we used to share and soon we'll both be gone
sunny days and summer times won't be the same again
you've gone away now made your way there's no telling when

things could be the same
you're gone and i wish you'd stayed
going away
my feelings will not change
friends forever
give or take

one day in school walked into class you all were staring eyes
you looked to me so differently i can't imagine why
had to leave my own good friends to come to this place
things are strange i feel my pain i do not feel the same

things could be the same
you're gone and i wish you'd stayed
going away
my feelings will not change
friends forever
give or take

things will not change
until we feel the same
things will not change
this will not change
and still we'll feel the same
this will not change
things will not change
and still we'll feel the same
this will not change
things will not change
and still we'll feel the same

things could be the same
you're gone and i wish you'd stayed
going away
my feelings will not change
friends forever
give or take

---

btw pug jelly is a local band. im surprised its on radio, and 987 at that.. its relatively fast paced and as with all fast paced songs its really impossible to catch the lyrics unless you have some prior inkling. no such luck for me... nope this is all thanks to the time dilation (compress/stretch timescale without altering pitch) of my wonderful audigy card. and lots of repeated listenings..

"whatever!" - liam lynch, "United States of Whatever"

timestamp: anonymous 17:22 0 comments

5.17.2003

 

[r e t r o]

everything seems to be stuck on nostalgia mode for some strange reason. everything ive done, seen, touched, heard, heck, just about anything i came into contact with today, seems to be about things past. its a little hard to explain and obviously it really begins to lose its charm and poignancy the moment i try to translate it into words, although that isnt going to stop me from trying. in essence: had a hearty discussion about baz luhrmann's william shakespeare's romeo + juliet, the one with leo di caprio and claire danes.. (esp claire danes!! the bit where she goes "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet / o romeo, romeo wherefore art thou romeo" in the little angel costume with the fairy wings from her bedroom window) in the office with my guys, all of which are older than me..... but junior, heh * the clerk that i get along wif the best showed me this msg he got today, which came out of the blue, from a number he din recognise, that he was the best they'd ever had and they'd never forget him.. (they cos the gender was indeterminate) and thing is he's engaged already.. suspects its his ex from 2 years back. mulled over it for a long time * featured tune on the selecta was soul II soul's "back to life" (acapella version) from way back in '89.. * somehow that song brought back a lot of memories even tho i had never heard it in '89!! * saw an ad about a new condo at mt sinai drive.. again, memories * and somehow over dinner conversation turned back to jc days again. i have absolutely no idea why....

you know the feeling - some days you just absolutely loathe yourself. this isnt one of those days. it isnt a totally bright shiny happy day either - its just one tinged with a slightly rosy and misty-eyed view of events i was very critical about when they were happening.. sorta like a on-hindsight appreciation. maybe its just cos vesak day was just over. again i have no idea why im feeling this way!

love by the numbers - just when you thought differential equations had no place in real life..

Cornershop - Brimful of Asha (Fatboy Slim Remix)

---

there's dancing behind movie scenes
behind the movie scenes - Sadi Rani
she's the one that keeps the dream alive,
from the morning,
past the evening,
till the end of the light.

brimful of Asha on the forty-five.
well, it's a brimful of Asha on the forty-five.
brimful of Asha on the forty-five.
well, it's a brimful of Asha on the forty-five.
and singing illuminate the main streets and the cinema aisles.
we don't care about no government warning
about that promotion of the simple life and the dams they are building.

chorus
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
mine's on the forty-five...

Mohammed Ruffi - forty-five.
Lata Mangeshka - forty-five.
Solid state radio - forty-five.
Ferguson Mono - forty-five.
non public - forty-five.
Jacques Dutronc and the Bolan Boogies...
the Heavy Hitters and the chi-chi music...
all Indian radio - forty-five.
two in ones - forty-five.
Ovvo records - forty-five.
Trojan records - forty-five.

chorus
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
mine's on the forty-five...

seventy-seven thousand piece orchestra set
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow (mines on the RPM...)

chorus
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
mine's on the forty-five...

---

oh, for those days again, where life was simple..

incidentally, and on an unrelated note, juliet the orange is the next best thing to come out of m'sia since too phat.. but whatever has happened to them? so much promise with their first single "quizzical" (remind me, ill post it up someday.. so poignant) but theyve since dipped below the music radar. like lowe / lo.. dunno what happened to him since "evening news". oh well. the fickle nature of local (regional) music..

timestamp: anonymous 14:03 0 comments

5.11.2003

 

[a la folie pas du tout]

finally watched the a/m movie.. audrey tatou is a perfect choice for the female lead - for most of the first half of the film she's in amelie mode, what with that hair and totally innocent look.. although i must say that the story is very flat and downright predictable. its just an interesting study of what the filmmaker terms erotomania, which probably means stalker to ordinary people like you and me. its not a thriller either. i dont quite know how to describe it.. french films are just like that. isnt it strange how everybody wants somebody to call their own (correct me if im wrong but i believe im paraphrasing the title of a very old Corrs song) but sometimes having somebody who wants you can be totally destructive? our cardiologist (cardiologique in french, i think) protagonist Loic loses his office, unborn baby, license to practise and, very nearly, his wife and his sanity. creepy..

too stoned to think about anything else. that was a horrible attempt at a film review.. had much grander things in mind but somehow they dont make the transition to bits n bytes very well.

soundtrack of my mind's still very much the same: One Inch Punch's "Pretty Piece of Flesh".

still wading hip-deep in work. somehow work is so much more tiring than studying.. either that or im growing old way before my time.

timestamp: anonymous 16:04 0 comments

 

stumbled upon this site - Design for Chunks - and its just soo cool. raw design talent at its best. i wish i could do something like that.. think that settles it. if i wanted a second career it would definitely be in design & graphics.

timestamp: anonymous 15:53 0 comments

5.05.2003

 

[it's just one of those days]

another manic monday.. just when things were beginning to look up, just when i seemed to be on the verge of finishing my SARS SOP, the audit team swoops down and has a ton of ideas that can only come from up above. im talking about ideas which sound really nice in principle but arent likely to do much good on the ground, ideas which seem inspired but will probably wind up alienating people. but what can i do? im just a poor cog in the bigger scheme of things. i facilitate. my job is to turn their whims and fancies into solid concrete Instructions and Procedures. they push, and i turn. sometimes things can just be so depressing - all the initial idealism about being able to make a difference waxes and wanes so quickly before the might of authority and seniority. i dont think im jaded yet, heck no - neither am i disillusioned, ive always expected things to be like this, in here or otherwise [in the working world out there]. its just a feeling of helplessness, and its a terrible terrible uphill struggle. im just slogging for naught..

and if having your work increase exponentially (not to mention having to redo some stuff you just finished) in the first 30 mins of the week wasnt quite enough i had the misfortune of having one of the laptops i signed out for landing in the hands of one the more senior staff around because it was apparently 'lost'. its a very long story but suffice to say that i was in genuine danger and a sweaty and terse investigation later, i found it was all thanks to the nonchalance and downright irresponsibility ("i never saw it!") of somebody that the whole issue came about.

i could go on and on about the rest of the things that almost ruined my day but theres really no point since 1) my day wasnt totally ruined, im just a little... terse and 2) theyre too minute to interest anybody. heck, im even finding them terribly minute as i blog now..

interesting link. dance dance story.. it sorta loosely ties in with today's piece of mood music.

One Inch Punch - Pretty Piece of Flesh
from William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet OST

---

I
I will split you in two
Shake shake shake boom
I strike, quickly being bold

You're all, you're all dogs
You're just dogs of the house
You're weak, weak, weak, weak slaves
The weak slave goes to the wall, oooh

'Cause I am
I am that pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh, I am

Go, go, foes can never measure to the crew as we roll on
Blast the amplifiers in the back with their soul on
A pretty piece of flesh and yes, you better show your crest
Shoulder holster strapped, I'm pulling from the chest

Guess who's gonna be the first to pull it from you?
But if the steel seal representing Montague
Lovelorn torn from two sides, singin' at dark skies
To the heavens, I'll be seeing worlds collide

Chi chi bow stars and bottle rocket fantasies
But on the streets. some knights and killers. they be after me
Trippin' with Ethel under moonlight skies
But then, you wake up in the danger zone in souped up rides

I'm dodgin' bullets and bang, it's hard to hang
Doing a hundred miles an hour like a video game
Rollin' brick thick and diesel thinking nothin' can faze me
With nickel plated sword slingin', livin' is crazy

Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
Your little pretty piece of flesh
Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
Your little pretty piece of flesh

I am that pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh

I will split you in two
Shake shake shake boom
I strike, quickly being bold
You're all, you're all dogs

Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
(you're just dogs of the house)
Pretty piece of flesh (you're weak, weak, weak, weak slaves)
Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
(the weak slave goes to the wall, oooh)
Pretty piece of flesh

'Cause I am, I am, I'm that pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh, I am

Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
Your little pretty piece of flesh
Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
Your little pretty piece of flesh

---

quite intrigued by bloggerNEW.. esp the blog-via-email feature. but i thot that was already in place, albeit for blogger pro users? if it comes out for blogger [free] then ill stop thinking about porting it someday. someday.. given the amt of work that just keeps coming and coming.

timestamp: anonymous 15:26 0 comments

5.02.2003

 

[back in the world]

so you see, i have been blogging all this while, just that my posts werent showing up.. *more relieved than miffed* so there. saves me the trouble of reinventing the wheel - was seriously going to put pen (pencil, to be more precise) to paper and start planning my new blog. i just may, although in the tradition of grand vapourware this blog that has just come back to life was due for an overhaul for the past... 10 months. and it's almost a year old already, more or less.

on duty tmr, and there is a ton of things to do- revolving around SARS SOP as well as safety SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) - for auditing purposes just about everything must be documented. of course there are benefits - im gradually gaining an eye for detail and perhaps even becoming much much more critical of ideas (not people, mind) than i ever was before. the passive sponge of days past may well and truly have been left behind by the time im through with all these SOPs and whatever else is tasked to me. believe me the list just grows from day to day. but it also means that i carry this critical attitude just about everywhere i go- sometimes its hard to snap out of. its probably going to be my livelihood in the future so now's a good a time as any to come to terms with this newfound [perhaps latent?] aspect of my (otherwise dull and boring) personality.

happy- finally have my own PA (personal assistant)- a disruptee whos returned to finish the 2 months he has left. and he's a law grad! going to start work in june, requesting to be let off earlier so he can join his firm. whoa.. just as well, even if the help is temporary, cos SOPs tend to get very involved and detailed and there are tons of documents i need to dig out- the only thing is i havent learnt how to delegate anything very well yet. =|

no ruminations for now - still pleasantly surprised that my email to blogger support worked. you guys rock! ill still be considering the redesign though and if it calls for new blog features ill migrate. given the amount of stuff on my plate i doubt if ill be working on it anytime soon.

thanks to everyone who kept coming back even tho new posts werent appearing.. this blog is for you. (as much as it is for me.. ha)

timestamp: anonymous 17:22 0 comments