4.24.2003

 

[ny state of mind]

• outraged over streats' quoting of a med student's blog on her opinion of the volunteer-temperature-taker scheme in nus.. to her detriment, and said journalist's response (global allegations against the university, paraphrased.. my memorys not that good, natch)


• worried over being someplace i heard may have had people down with SARS. then again its a sooner or later thing- either way it seems like ill be near the frontlines, whether its now (ops role) or later (in healthcare)


• relieved that i dont put my real name or any form of contact on my blog.. i hope


• worried over the issue of disclosure in future posts


• swamped with work - safety management, SARS procedure, training programme, .. many many more


• feeling stupid cos i can never really answer stuff my boss expects me to know, that actually i should, but am too tired to remember


• just plain tired


• lonely but not in the frame of mind to reach out to anybody


• seriously pondering switching from blogger to some other blog service.. eyeing something remotely hosted on my 'own' server

back to typing minutes then.

timestamp: anonymous 16:23 0 comments

4.20.2003

 

its been about a week since i last blogged, though it looks like i havent been back for a month, no thanks to the server's refusal to publish my posts. it cant be censorship..... right? although its true that i mainly write for myself, to keep me sane, but then again the whole point of me keeping a blog rather than a diary is the fact that it can, should and is designed to be shared with others. personally its pointless for me to keep my own personal diary.. believe me, ive tried, and i dont think i can find the discipline to keep one. besides an online blog is less susceptible to prying eyes.. at least in my very peculiar case. thats life... *shrug*

timestamp: anonymous 14:49 0 comments

4.12.2003

 

what the ... my posts arent appearing... this is getting very annoying... hello... *wave wave*

timestamp: anonymous 13:16 0 comments

4.08.2003

 

and today a very funny thing happened. i was on my way out of camp, from my new bunk on the 3rd floor, and you must understand that to reach my preferred staircase from my bunk (preferred because its the only one where i dont have to climb up or down extra flights of stairs once i hit the ground floor.. there's a lift but i dont dare to use it, im still small fry) there is a very open corridor. open in the sense that there are just metal railings (with a wall.. i cant quite put it into words) on either side of the corridor, and since its the 3rd storey its really open and you can just see like all the buildings in front. this was after it rained rather heavily this afternoon & evening, so a moderate breeze was blowing, and the air was actually refreshingly cold. surprising, for a non-air-conditioned open-air environment!

and i just felt like i was in vancouver all of a sudden. maybe it was the clouds - the sky was beginning to get dark, mildly, but there were also dark fluffy clouds in the sky, making it look somewhat like a clear - albeit dark and strangely starless - winter night. maybe it was the environment - from that angle the camp complex really does look nice and modern and, dare i say it, reminiscent of the stereotypical stark housing in some parts of vancouver. but i like to think its mainly the sensation of the cold air. even on the rainiest day in tekong, when we did virtually NOTHING because it just poured and poured the whole day until even the ferries stopped, i have never felt the air being cold in that way.

you know how memories can be linked to any and all of your senses... its just strange that i connect vancouver with these inputs.

and although ive had many second homes (lab, now office...) but if youre talking about a city or place to call a second home.. vancouver is probably number 2.

just a thot that kinda made an impression on me.. a fine example of the many posts that occur to me throughout the day. only this one made it thru to a post.

timestamp: anonymous 16:30 0 comments

 

feel like im beginning to find myself.

sometimes you just dont quite realise how long its been since youve last kept in contact with people until they come back waving a big red flag in your face telling you theres a crisis afoot. for all i like to pride myself on my sensitivity it seems like a large part of it seems to have been replaced by the 1.5 years ive spent in here already.. im not sure how much ive changed - maybe if you could be bothered you could feedback to the usual address - but i think i have gradually become more independent; gradually because i consciously started back in jc, and independent primarily in the mental/emotional sense - i acknowledge that i am still pretty much physically dependent even though i have come a long way in this 1.5 years - independent mentally/emotionally because i used to be so wraught with indecision that id ask like virtually ALL of my close frens before making any decision.. even the simplest ones like should i call, etc.. and even though half the time i went ahead and did whatever i felt like despite their misgivings! heh. anyway my point is now im no longer like that and even though its true that i havent had any major crisis since i left a co-ed environment (ooh that speaks volumes) i still think i am at least 70% capable of getting out of the emotional rut myself now - a far cry from the me in jc when maybe even ALL my frens had to be my crutch[es] for up to a week or so til i felt better. thats quite awfully selfish, on hindsight. [addendum: technically im still in a mixed-gender environment.. and yes all the usual tensions and undercurrents are still there. just like any other part of the real world, then.. but i dont think anybody wd be surprised that there are less crises for me now.. ]

anyway i digress. it wasnt until a close fren pointed out how far we'd strayed, so to speak, til i realised that i was actually so much of a hermit. i mean i dont think id be out of place if i was still in jc and they announced that the schools would be closed for 10 days (now more than that).. id be perfectly happy being at home doing stuff *alone*. i never did call much and hardly kept in touch with people i didnt see regularly in the course of my everyday life (eg school, lab, on/off piste, whatever) in jc and nothing's changed since then. it doesnt help that im waist-deep in work in my new appointment (new being somewhat of a misnomer since ive been here since feb... damn i remember working in the CP on my bdae. and as usual it was one of those no night no day days.. "can we all give a hand to 'fan because its his birthday today.. but youll still have to work.. just ask gene here, he was working thru his bdae too") and knowing me, when the work piles up i just put on blinkers and attempt to wade thru as purposefully as i can.... ignoring just about everything else in the process. including frens.

it just suddenly dawned on me that its a combination of work and my own highly individualistic (aka "i need my own space") nature that keeps me happy not actively reaching out to keep in touch with people. ive never been the sort to really actively keep in contact; though i never refuse if its the other way around. eccentric, as always - but perhaps im evolving this as a trait that may aid in the 8 potentially lonely years ahead?

as always, as always, a matter of perspective.

anyway.. sorry 'von, and thanks.

Beth Orton - Thinking About Tomorrow

---

Tired, but I ain't sleepin'
Thinking about some sad affair
And why I should be leavin'
'Cause some of these thoughts
Only seem to take me out of here

Yeah, these habits are so hard to break
They're the most easy to make
These habits are so hard to break
And the most easy to make

Thinking about tomorrow
Tired from all the time I spared
On what I still believe in
When none of my talk
Ever seems to get me anywhere

Yeah, these habits are so hard to break
Are the most easy to make
These habits are so hard to break
Are the most easy to make
So easy to make

So long
Night-night friends, so long
So long
Will it ever happen again?
You know that I've been waiting for you
I've been created for you
So long
You know that I've been fading from you
Nothing could save me from you
So long

Tired, but I ain't dreamin'
Falling into solid earth
On why I must be leavin'
'Cause one of these days
I'm gonna pull out all my hair

Yeah these habits are so hard to break
And the most easy to make
Well, these habits are so hard to make
And the most easy to break
So easy

So long
Night-night friends, so long
So long
Will it ever happen again?
You know that I've been waitin' for you
I've been created for you
So long
You know that I have faded from you
And nothing could save me from you
So long

---

wanted to put her [beth orton's] "this one's gonna bruise" cos i like the title and it sounds so nice.. but its just not apt. some other time..

timestamp: anonymous 16:16 0 comments

4.06.2003

 

what the -? looks like my last post - and its phenomenally long - seems to have gone unpublished. and now the time of the post seems to have changed too.. i am so not going to retype the entire thing! *shrug*

timestamp: anonymous 16:32 0 comments

4.04.2003

 

[assorted thoughts]

wow. been away from blogger for close to 3 weeks already.. it's a wonder how i did it. so many things have gone by, and as usual, 1000s of half-baked ideas for posts. any hope of blogging at work, or at least digitally writing in my blog and posting later, have been dashed by the heaps of work that landed rather suddenly and unexpectedly (though to be fair i should have seen it coming... repeat after me: should have seen it coming)

mess init has come and gone.. surprisingly i went through without much alcohol (half mug) and substituted the rest of the night with water, 'ribena' (very dilute punch) with raw egg.. although its not exactly palatable theres just something strange about drinking and then having some runny yellow blob slip down your throat. almost got a question correct.. almost made my boss drink instead of me.. but i slipped up cos of wrong numbering (001-064, wrong, vs 000-063) anyway he may think i purposely slipped up so he wouldnt lose face.. that i really dunno. heh. wound up singing a horrible and very out of tune wonderwall, though on hindsight it was the best of all the performances that night. that doesnt say very much about the standard, now does it? and after the thing was over it was time to pick up the stragglers, the absolute flat-out drunks, send them back to bunk, then set about cleaning the phenomenal mess. you can take that both ways. anyway when that was over and done with it was karaoke time. that will probably be the last time i attempt to pull off vertical horizon's "everything you want".. which some will recall i was very fond of. and i couldnt set about loading the jay chou karaoke vcd into the hulk of a vcd changer they had ("warning: do not open!") so that went unsung.. incidentally this also caused a bit of confusion (that was completely unintended, i swear), for those in the know about the [volatile?] team dynamics in here.

mess init also provided the excuse for me to finally go buy some cds after a hiatus of almost 3 years+. the cds that come with muzik and Q dont count, since im paying for the magazine (technically. or rather, legally).. cds that i was techincally capable of singing: totally flat tune throughout. heh. walked out of borders with the elvis #1s album, Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps, the collection of oldies that happens to include the eponymous Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps last heard in a Soo Kee jewellry ad, and Beth Orton's Daybreaker as well as the single of the Pet Shop Boys' Home and Dry.. liking it every bit as much as calvin. anyway based on listenings along beth orton seems to be the most satisfying of the cds.. although im not quite capable of funding such cd-buying sprees in future. Bjork's Greatest Hits will just have to wait... sigh.

waist-deep in SARS work now. its almost unbelievable, the stuff i have to do.. initially tasked to give a presentation on SARS. sure thats ok. then as i was going home yesterday - after cleaning out the bunk in preparation for moving in.. we're being chased out of our old bunk - i suddenly hear somebody shouting my name from my office. i look up and one of my clerks frantically waves saying theres a CO meeting (CO means... the head honcho of my unit. bigger than my boss even. my boss is technically 3rd in charge, but practically speaking 2nd in charge) in the conf room.. and im in a very very dusty set of singlet and shorts (cleaning out the room, what would you expect? my newfound vacuuming skillz came in handy..) so i run back to my old bunk change and run back. burst thru the door. "sorry im late sir." sweat drips. bracing myself for the inevitable. all sorts of funny images run thru my head: extras [extra duties], vehement scolding, ... "what are you late for? are you supposed to be here? as what, the MO [medical officer]?" at which point i silently go... *slaps head*

that ad-hoc meeting (its actually normal, mind.. doesnt remove the ad-hocness any, though) ended 1930, which is awfully downright uncharacteristically early. bear in mind that i hadnt had dinner yet and hardly ate lunch. so by right i can go home... but cos of the meeting my work has just quintupled and the stuff was due the next day [today actually!].. so i wind up packing up my new bunk nicely, get my frens to buy back a long john's meal for me [the only cheap thing to eat im afraid] and proceed to work til 0200. crash in the office - not at my chair, thankfully, in the DO room which always has a spare bed. wake up reluctantly at 0730 and jump back to work. anyway at 0800 we have another discussion/powwow and most of what i spent the night doing (a flowchart) is drastically overhauled in the first 5 mins.

there's much more than just that but i think the point has been made.. ill stop complaning right about here. developing the flu, actually ive had it for quite a while already and no symptoms of sars, so crossing my fingers that everythings ok. a public health situation like sars actually depends very much on social responsibility.. and that is a very demanding thing to ask of people.

many many more assorted thoughts - but they have to wait. i need to sleep, to recuperate - theres still a long run far far away from home really early tmr. life doesnt suck.. its just bemusing, in a mildly trying way.

timestamp: anonymous 14:47 0 comments