3.04.2003

 

had a rollercoaster rush of emotions in e past 24 hrs starting sun evening- but to be more precise its more like acute mood swings.. um, make that acute swings of emotion, from sun pm til now, actually. been home since mon nite but always felt too tired, lazy or down to simply blog, not that its a must to continually blog but i do try to do so as long as im home, which hasnt been very often ever since i started fanzine in e first place. before we go further i think i shd qualify my 'acute swings of emotion' - all internal, mind, other than a mild case of generally feeling down which ive unconsciously been showing e past few days.

as always theres this vast emptiness lurking in the background but i think whats really worrying me is the unit induction programme starting thu, which will more or less be hell for about a month. cant quite bring myself to have to go thru yet another mess initiation (plenty of humiliation and drinking.. drinking tiger beer, of all things. ICK) and another turnout (being rudely awakened, doing all sorts of crappy punishment and tasks, maybe even SOC) and restriction of privileges, among other things. not that we get much privileges anyhow. simple stuff that mean a lot - such as having bunks nearer to the camp entrance, being able to go home every day after work (given the nature of work here, sometimes its questionable what time - sorry, whether - work ends), buying stuff from the canteen. while its true that i probably have gone thru worse times before its still worrying in the very least to have to face all these things again. and did i mention that we're all going (competitively) for tiger trail, this cross-country run that works on scoring points by reaching checkpoints.. its no joke, when im terribly out of shape and cant run to save my life.

im also worrying about cutting unnecessary expenditure - meaning no movies, probably no eating out and most definitely no concerts. not that i go out much in the first place, or that i have the time to do so - and it just had to come at a time when moby and david gray are slated to appear here. the possibility of attending my very first concert seems to have been pushed back indefinitely. superficially its kinda strange why a self-styled music nut hasnt ever been to a concert, but having sat on that thought (and completely flattening it in the process) for a while its actually not surprising given the eclectic and downright leftfield nature of what i listen to. anyway that doesnt sound right.. sounds like im being smug about it. secretly i guess i am.. oh, and dont give me that "why would you NEED to cut unnecessary expenditure" thing. ever.

cant bring myself to do any proper work. sometimes i feel like im falling apart in a thousand different ways, in a thousand different slices. maybe thats what happens when i decide im ok enuf to handle my frens problems again.. nobody in particular, at that - just re-opening the lines of communication to the very many people ive shunned since i got posted in (and sometimes even earlier than that!) and hearing their normal laments seems to be enough to get me down. din use to be that way - think im still hovering near the break-even point between being troubled (and therefore needing to be alone) and being ok (and therefore sociable and ready to listen/hear/help). there *is* work to be done, things to prepare for, but instead ive been wasting away in front of e com - vaguely surfing, mindlessly playing hitman 2. (you know its mindless when you begin to shoot your way thru instead of using your brain and coming up with some ingenious masterplan) and a large part of this huge lousy feeling stems from the fact that i just burnt one and a half days, maybe more, just doing nothing, when i have a ton of stuff to get done.

strangely enough it was the selfsame fact of getting in touch with the many people ive lost contact with along the way that really felt good - some, not all, of the people on my icq list who i just don talk to anymore, old friends and old crushes alike, some from wayyyyyy back. i guess its just heartwarming. that isnt quite enough to sum up what i felt, but im not really going to try, given my current state of mind. and a few things have only recently dawned on me - things that just make sense if only id put two n two together but somehow i missed - if only because i asked outright. on hindsight im kicking myself. at times im not quite sure *why* i stopped talking to them - these people whom ive stopped talking to - but then thats my typical stress-response anyhow.

isnt it funny how a happy day can just do an about-turn and become a troubling one before you know it?

hopefully ill just sleep it off. it hasnt worked for the past few weeks, cos every time i try to sleep it off i wind up waking around 1300 and subsequently start the day feeling lousy.. besides i have to start running. not making much sense now - wish all my posts could be nice and literary, but im not quite capable of that. mediocrity is such an awful thing to settle for.

Audioslave - Cochise

---

Well I been watchin'
while you been coughin
i've been drinking life
while you been nauseous
and so i drink to health
while you kill yourself
and i got just one thing
that i can offer

go and save yourself
take it out on me
go and and save yourself
take it out on me yeah

well i'm not a martyr
i'm not a prophet
and i won't preach to you
but heres a caution
you better understand
that i won't hold your hand
but if it helps you mend
then i won't stop it

go and save yourself
take it out on me
go and save yourself
take it out on me
go and save yourself
take it out on me
go and save yourself
take it out on me yeah

go if you want
and i'll see you in the bottom
where you crawl
on my skin
and put the blame on me
so you don't feel a thing

go and save yourself
take it out on me
go and save yourself
take it out on me
go and save yourself
take it out on me
go and save yourself
take it out on me yeah

---

ive also finally caved in and capitulated to peer 2 peer file sharing, better known as KaZaA Lite.. just couldnt stand wasting so much time searching for http downloads in vain. and sorry grace, somehow blubster was taken off zdnet and cnet's download.com so i cant quite find it anymore. growing to like KaZaA Lite.. can already find all my leftfield stuff here. =)

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