3.23.2004

 

[running down the way up]

it's finally over, the proficiency test, my final exam. yet somehow there's no accompanying sense of release. it was almost too easy compared to what im accustomed to. never before have i taken shifts, never before have i had so much sleep in an exercise, never before have i felt as in the groove as i did when the pressure came. it's a feeling of measured control when all hell is breaking loose around you. it's a feeling that nothing could go wrong, a feeling of inner bliss, an almost zen-like state of being. i think im becoming a stress junkie, if i wasn't one already.

now that my raison d'etre is over, i feel strangely lost, cast adrift. if you're thinking its another one of those trying to find direction posts, you're right, it is. somehow i feel that i always need a new goal to aspire towards; without which i flail about aimlessly.

this time, though, i also feel that time is running out. 6 months and i'll be gone. 6 months to make the most of myself before i leave. i already have so many expectations of who - what - i should be, and i am content to just sit around and mope and not even move a muscle towards effecting the changes that will bring about what i expect of myself. it's always been this way, for as long as i have known myself - i just want to change, but don't actually go about doing it.

it's times like this that i see with perfect clarity what's wrong with my life, yet i can't muster the discipline to snap out of my inertia. and people wonder why i loathe myself so much.

but i digress. every time i try to grow up, i feel like i wind up being more childish. it's true that i've come a long way from what i was 2.5 years ago, but then again that's not saying much. i see people do it effortlessly, and i wonder what i am doing wrong.

forever searching for the place i can call home.

All Saints - Pure Shores

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I've crossed deserts for miles
Swam water for time
Searching places to find
A piece of something to call mine
(I'm coming, I'm coming)
A piece of something to call mine
(I'm coming, coming closer to you)

Ran along many moors
Walked through many doors
The place where I wanna be
Is the place I can call mine
(I'm coming, I'm coming)
Is the place I can call mine
(I'm coming, coming closer to you)

Chorus
I'm moving, I'm coming
Can you hear what I hear?
It's calling you my dear
Out of reach
(Take me to my beach)
I can hear it calling you
I'm coming, not drowning
Swimming closer to you

ooh ooh

Never been here before
I'm intrigued, I'm unsure
I'm searching for more
I've got something that's all mine
I've got something that's all mine

Take me somewhere I can breathe
I've got so much to see
This is where I wanna be
In a place I can call mine
In a place I can call mine

Chorus

Moving, coming, can you hear
what I hear?
(Hear it out of reach)
I hear it calling you
Swimming closer to you

Many faces I have seen
Many places I have been
Walked the deserts, swam the shores
(coming closer to you)

Many faces I have known
Many ways in which I've grown
Moving closer on my own
(coming closer to you)

I'm moving, I feel it
I'm coming, not drowning
I'm moving, I feel it
I'm coming, not drowning

Chorus
(Take me to my beach)

Repeat to fade

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PS. the observatory has finally released its debut album, Time of Rebirth. (wish i could say the same.. mooted the title for a while then dropped it since it wasnt appropriate.) they're having a live concert at the Alliance Francaise on friday 1930h. If anybody's interested, drop me a line.

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