fanZINE

[GTD'oh!]

2010-05-26T01:08:00.000+01:00

[GTD'oh!]

so as you can guess from the date of the entry that i didn't manage to pull off the weekly review, or do the scheduled read-through of Making It All Work, after having listened to the audiobook. occupied with a personal project that i'm aiming to finish within a week - everything else is on hold, even - gasp - no gaming!

in any case, i was listening to David Allen's second book, Ready for Anything, which has been criticised as being material in-between books: just a collection of tips and vignettes to improve on the GTD processes from his first book. so i was listening while at the gym, and even though a lot of the stuff is just a rehash of Getting Things Done, i did have what he terms a Blinding Flash of the Obvious (TM) - i was being daft and trying to capture, organise and clarify all at the same time, which is what you're patently not supposed to be doing. no wonder i didn't manage to stick with the program! d'oh!

reboot

2010-05-12T01:08:00.002+01:00

[reboot]

so i've decided to revive my old blog - not a full revival, not now, at any rate - just so that i can keep track of the millionth time i'm trying to make things over and start afresh.

current goals:

lose weight (exercise more, eat less)
finish reading Making It All Work by David Allen
implement GTD (and other assorted productivity methods) in my life
play less videogames, or do more work so that I don't feel bad about playing...

and we'll take things from there. i'll try to post progress weekly (hopefully) as part of the GTD weekly review.

current music: The Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the Devil

[same old familiar feeling]

2008-04-19T01:15:00.004+01:00

[same old familiar feeling]

yup it's been quite a while since i last posted, now that i'm (relatively) free (oh, for about the next 48 hours?) i thought i might as well dust off the old blog, see what fixer-upping i could do. so i think i've managed to get rid of the annoying popup ad that stuck around long after its parent commenting service expired, i've re-enabled blogger comments on every blog post (doesn't really make a difference since nobody comments anyway) and i've tidied up the left-hand navigation bar. now the unvisited links aren't in an invisible shade of orange, they're actually legible [unlike my writing!]. i briefly considered changing the template, but couldn't find anything i liked, and decided i may as well stick with this one. :)

so what's happened? from the last post til now - not much, to be honest. i've almost come to the end of my first year on the wards but i still do as little work/reading up as is humanly possible, i dread to think about my exam results... waiting for the day i start research again, just because it's something different, i guess.

sometimes i sit back and think im such a big fraud - i don't deserve all this, and i'm certainly not working hard enough to justify it. then i go watch some tv (bet you didn't see that coming) and something comes up that strikes a chord in me. this time it was season 1 ep 5 of dirty sexy money, it's all about responsibility and growing up. the funny thing is that i'm overly responsible when it comes to other people - i'm only terribly irresponsible when i'm dealing with myself. can't seem to figure out why.. perhaps i indulge myself a bit too much.

also, for my loyal readers - yes i know i'm a terrible friend, and i beat myself up about it constantly. if you're still reading, drop me a line. been getting quite disillusioned lately with the people around me(!)

Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo...
Im packed and Im holding Im smiling
She living she golden and she lives for me
Says she lives for me
Ovation her own motivation
She comes round and she goes down on me
And I make her smile
Like a drug for you
Do ever what you want to do
Coming over you
Keep on smiling what we go through
One stop to the rhythm that divides you
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse
Chop another line like a coda with a curse
Come on like a freak show takes the stage
We give them the games we play
She said I want something else
To get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life baby baby
I want something else
Im not listening when you say
Good-bye
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo...
The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it to my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Some place back there
Smiling in the pictures you would take
Doing crystal myth
Will lift you up until you break
It wont stop, I wont come down, I keep stock
With a tick tock rhythm and a bump for the drop
And then I bumped up
I took the hit I was given
Then I bumped again
And then I bumped again she said
How do I get back there to
The place where I fell asleep inside you
How do I get myself back to
The place where you said
I want something else to get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life baby baby
I want something else
Im not listening when you say
Good-bye
I believe in the sand beneath my toes
The beach gives a feeling an earthy feeling
I believe in the faith that grows
And the four right chords can make me cry
When Im with you I feel like I could die
And that would be all right, all right

[removed from radio edit]

When the plane came in
She said she was crashing
The velvet it rips in the city we tripped
On the urge to feel alive but now Im struggling to survive
Those days you were wearing that velvet dress
Youre the priestess I must confess
Those little red panties they pass the test
Slides up around the belly
Face down on the mattress
One, and you hold me and were broken
Still its all that I want to do just a little now
Feel myself heavy as the ground
Im scared but Im not coming down no no
And I wont run for my life
Shes got her jaws now locked down in a smile
But nothing is all right, all right

[/removed from radio edit]

I want something else
To get me through this life baby
I want something else
Not listening when you say
Good-bye
Good-bye
Good-bye
Good-bye
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo...
The sky was gold it was rose
I was taking sips of it to my nose
And I wish I could get back there someplace
Back there in the place we used to
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo...
I want something else

from one of my books

2007-10-01T22:34:00.000+01:00

[from one of my books]

The old examinations were notoriously subjective but not without their humour. When pts with vesico-colic fistulae pass flatus during micturation it makes a curious whistling noise. An examiner in the old days asked a candidate what he would think if the pt told him that he whistled when he micturated.

The candidate replied "i would be thinking that he was a very happy man!"

LOL
clinical school has started, and before i'm on the wards proper, i'm already feeling very very stupid, not to mention drained of all energy by the time i get back. needless to say i'm not working enough. *sigh*

it's been too long

2007-07-26T03:02:00.000+01:00

[it's been too long]

i'm getting tardy! (no surprises there, then.) since my last post, i've survived finals - only the first of an endless set of finals to come; graduated - once, only the first of hopefully an endless set of graduations to come; gone on a quick and much-needed vacation to sunny sunny Mallorca, and rainy rainy London. my desktop computer has given up the ghost at long last, so with a little bit of luck, i cannibalised the parts into another computer and am happily running Ubuntu (a Linux operating system!) on it. i'm also about to break free of some metaphorical and literal shackles, and when i'm not busy trying (in vain!) to lose those extra pounds, i'm fretting about having to deal with real patients and all the thousands of things i should know from pre-clinicals, but don't. along with the millions of things you're expected to learn in clinicals, but that's another story, for another time...

Avenue Q Soundtrack - What Do You Do with a BA in English (It Sucks to be Me)

Princeton: What do you do with a B.A. in English,
What is my life going to be?
Four years of college and plenty of knowledge,
Have earned me this useless degree.
I can't pay the bills yet,
'Cause I have no skills yet,
The world is a big scary place.
But somehow I can't shake,
The feeling I might make,
A difference, to the human race.

Kate: Morning, Brian.

Brian: Hi, Kate Monster.

Kate: How's life?

Brian: Disappointing.

Kate: What's the matter?

Brian: The catering company laid me off.

Kate: Oh, I'm sorry!

Brian: Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm ten years out of college,
and I always thought - oh...

Kate: What?

Brian:No, it sounds stupid.

Kate: Aww, come on!

Brian: When I was little I thought I would be...

Kate: What?

Brian: A big comedian on late night t.v.
But now I'm thirty-two and as
you can see I'm not.

Kate: Nope!

Brian: Oh well, it sucks to be me.

Kate: Nooo.

Brian: It sucks to be me.

Kate: No!

Brian: It sucks to be broke and unemployed
and turning thirty-three, it sucks to be me.

Kate: Oh, you think your life sucks?

Brian: I think so.

Kate: Your problems aren't so bad! I'm kinda pretty, and pretty damn smart.

Brian: You are!

Kate: Thanks! I like romantic things like music and art, and as you know I have a gigantic heart so why don't I have a boyfriend? F***! It sucks to be me.

Brian: Me too.

Kate: It sucks to be me

Brian: It sucks to be me, it sucks to be Brian

Kate: and Kate

Brian: To not have a job!

Kate: To not have a date!

Kate and Brian: It sucks to be me.

Brian: Hey, Rod, Nicky, can you settle something for us? Do you have a second?

Nicky: Ah, certainly

Kate: Whose life sucks more? Brian's or mine?

Rod and Nicky: Ours!

Nicky: We live together

Rod: We're as close as people can get

Nicky: We've been the best of buddies

Rod: Ever since the day we met.

Nicky: So he knows lots of ways to make me really upset. Oh every day is an aggravation.

Rod: Come on, that's an exaggeraton!

Nicky: You leave your clothes out. You put your feet on my chair.

Rod: Oh yeah? You do such anal things like ironing your underwear.

Nicky: You make that very small apartment we share a hell

Rod: So do you, that's why I'm in hell too!

Nicky: It sucks to be me!

Rod: No, it sucks to be me!

Kate: It sucks to be me!

Brian: It sucks to be me!

All: Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be? It sucks to be me!

Christmas Eve: Why you all so happy?

Rod: Because our lives suck!

Christmas Eve: Your lives suck? I hearing you correctly? HA! I coming to this country for opportunities. Tried to work in Korean deli but I am Japanese. But with hard work I earn two Master's degrees in social work! And now I a therapist! But I have no clients! And I have an unemployed fiance! And we have lots of bills to pay! It suck to be me! It suck to be me! I say it sucka-sucka-sucka-
sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-suck! It suck to be me.

Princeton: Excuse me?

Brian: Hey there.

Princeton: Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for a place to live.

Christmas Eve: Why you looking the way out here?

Princeton: Well, I started at Avenue A, but so far everything is out of my price range. But this neighborhood looks a lot cheaper! Oh, and look - a "For Rent" sign!

Brian:You need to talk to the superintendent. Let me go him

Princeton: Great, thanks!

Brian: Yo, GARY!

Gary: I'm comin' I'm comin'!

Princeton: Oh my God! It's Gary Coleman!

Gary: Yes I am! I'm Gary Coleman, from T.V.'s Diff'rent Strokes. I made a lotta money that got stolen by my folks! Now I'm broke and I'm the butt of everyone's jokes, but I'm here - the superintendent! - on Avenue Q.

All but Gary: It sucks to be you.

Kate: You win!

All but Gary: It sucks to be you

Brian: I feel better now!

Gary: Try having people stopping you to ask you "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?" It gets old...

All: It sucks to be you on Avenue Q (sucks to be me) on Avenue Q (sucks to be you) on Avenue Q (sucks to be us) but not when we're together. We're together here on Avenue Q! We live on Avenue Q! Our friends do too! 'Til our dreams come true, we live on Avenue Q!

Princeton:This is real life!

All: We live on Avenue Q.

Nicky: You're gonna love it.

All: We live on Avenue Q!

Gary: Here's your keys!

All: Welcome to Avenue Q!

from only my favourite musical of all time, Avenue Q. and yes, before you start mouthing off, i do know i lead a very privileged and comfortable life. im thankful for that, but it doesn't necessarily mean it doesn't suck to be me, either.

random thoughts

2007-03-19T01:16:00.000Z

[random thoughts]

just read a news headline announcing that another 7 us soldiers were killed in iraq, and it dawned on me how asymmetrical the conflict actually was: normally to make headlines, you'd need either a very unexpected conflict, or massive numbers of casualties, far more than just 7. but the headlines never mention the number of iraqis killed. im sure it's usually higher, but the world just doesn't care. life is cheap in some places, sure, but this brings numbers into the equation: one american life is worth 10, maybe more, iraqi ones. life has never seemed more unfair.

'holidays' have started: thats about the time i start getting to work. :/

[this blog is not dead]

2007-03-05T22:27:00.000Z

kinda left off updating the blog for a real long time - lab project is squeezing the life out of me, so there's no time for the long, ruminating posts that i so adore. no siree, just a quick wave *hello!* and to say that i've got myself a fancy new phone (Nokia N73) with a crazy unlimited internet plan that allows me to use skype, msn, stream net radio, listen to podcasts and surf on my phone. if you see me on skype or msn, say hello :) i might well be on my phone! :)

Babyshambles - **** Forever

What I'm saying, what I'm saying
What's the use between death and glory?
I can't tell between death and glory
Happy endings, they never bored me
Happy endings, they still don't bore me
But they, they have a way
They have a way to make you pay
And to make you toe the line
Sever the ties
Oh I'm so clever
But clever ain't wise

**** forever
If you don't mind
Oh can we **** forever?
Good pal of mine, of mine, of mine, of mine, of mine

Oh whats to tell between death and glory?
Whats to tell between death and glory?
New lab-our and Tory
Pergatory and no happy families

Oh, so what I'm saying
What I'm saying
No, it's not the same
It's not supposed to be the same
Oh, I'll tell you about the way
The way they make you pay
And to make you toe the line
Sever the ties
Oh, you're so clever, oh yeah
But you're not very nice

So I say **** forever
If you don't mind
Cause I'm stuck forever
Stuck in your mind, your mind, your mind,
Do you mind?

Oh they have a way
A way to make you pay
And a way to make you toe the line
Sever the ties
Oh so clever
And so very wise

So **** forever
If you don't mind
I'm stuck forever
In your mind, your mind, your mind,
Do you mind?

[losing it]

2006-10-20T18:19:00.000+01:00

[losing it]

some days, everything just doesn't seem right. it's just one of those days, to borrow the title of athlete's very very apt (and one of my favourite!) songs. well, here's another really apt song that's one of my favourites.

The Cardigans - My Favourite Game

I don't know what you're looking for
you haven't found it baby, that's for sure
You rip me up and spread me all around
in the dust of the deed of time

And this is not a case of lust, you see
it's not a matter of you versus of me
It's fine the way you want me on your own
but in the end it's always me alone

And I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my baby
losing my favourite game

I only know what I've been working for
another you so I could love you more
I really thought that I could take you there
but my experiment is not getting us anywhere

I had a vision I could turn you right
a stupid mission and a lethal fight
I should have seen it when my hope was new
my heart is black and my body is blue

And I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my favourite game
I've tried but you're still the same
I'm losing my baby
you're losing a saviour and a saint

[the first step is always the hardest]

2006-10-08T16:56:00.000+01:00

[the first step is always the hardest]

it's the first weekend of term. one lecture, one seminar, 2 pages of references to go thru. i've got all the materials and papers ready and organised. but for some reason i just can't bring myself to start. there's something about a blank piece of paper that just stops me from writing on it.

it's probably just procrastination rearing it's ugly head again. i'm motivated, i'm interested in what i'm doing - maybe it's the fear of failure. that i don't want to write something that i'm going to have to change in a short while (but that's the whole point!!!) hmmm. well, i can't go on living my life like that. this changes, now.

[sea change]

2006-09-12T08:11:00.000+01:00

[sea change]

consciousness is a really strange phenomenon: you can be aware of separate little facts but not quite see how they're connected - they just sit idly there, points of blinking light on a dark sky. all of a sudden, something changes: you acquire a new factoid, or just randomly see something happening, and everything falls into place. lines appear in the nothingness, constellations appear from the once random jumble.

too many things have happened since the last post that i can't possibly document them all. ive changed, matured, changed, and then changed some more. it's true that i'm constantly in a state of flux, but it's also time i became more mature and assumed more responsibility over my own actions for a change - rather than just assuming the responsibility for others. i daresay im good with other people, but absolutely rubbish when it comes to myself. (self sacrificial? lol)

so yes. i've decided i need to be more disciplined - to make the most of the very privileged situation im in (academic, social, etc), so that i can keep and protect all that is near and dear to me. it's going to be difficult, but i can't make any more excuses for myself. the past day i havent done anything much, but i know im only making excuses for myself; no more. a new me, once again. :)

~

on a very different note,

Madonna - Little Star

Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly

God gave a present to me
Made of flesh and bones
My life, my soul
You make my spirit whole

Never forget who you are
Little star
Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
Never forget where you come from
From love

You are a treasure to me
You are my star
You breathe new life
Into my broken heart

Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly

May the angels protect you
And sadness forget you
Little star

There's no reason to weep
Lay your head down to sleep
Little star

May goodness surround you
My love I have found you
Little star

Shining bright

You breathe new life
Into my broken heart

Never forget who you are
(Whispered:) Little star
Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
Flying higher than all the birds in the sky

Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget where you come from
From love

Little star
Little star
(Whispered:) Little star
From love

Excerpt from A Lonely Coast

2006-03-23T02:55:00.000Z

You ever see a house burning up in the night, way to hell and gone out there on the plains? Nothing but blackness and your headlights cutting a little wedge into it, could be the middle of the ocean for all you can see. And in that big dark a crown of flame the size of your thumbnail trembles. You'll drive for an hour seeing it until it burns out or you do, until you pull off the road to close your eyes or look up at sky punched with bullet holes. And you might think about the people in the burning house, see them trying for the stairs, but mostly you don't give a damn. They are too far away, like everything else.

The year I lived in that junk trailer in the Crazy Woman Creek drainage I thought Josanna Skiles was like that, the house on fire in the night that you could only watch. The reason for it seemed to be the strung-out, buzzed country and the little running grass fires of the heart, the kind that usually die out on their own but in some people soar into uncontrollable conflagration.

- starting paragraphs of A Lonely Coast, off E. Annie Proulx's Close Range: Brokeback Mountain and Other Stories

it's not especially poetic, but it's a very interesting image. it's in keeping with the whole theme of the book: short stories about country life in Wyoming, where the girls are as tough as the guys. and i like to think we're all a little like that. its not poetic, but its the truth.

[1st live set!]

2005-11-20T04:56:00.000Z

[first live set!]

tracklisting of our first live set. pav 2nd room, fri 18 Nov 05, 2300 - 0000

Madonna - Hung Up
Armand Van Helden - You Don't Know Me
Moby - Bodyrock (Olav Basoski's Da Hot Funk Da Freek Funk Remix)
Peaches - AA XXX
Digitalism - Zdarlight
Thomas Anderson - Washing Up (Tiga's Na Na Na Na Na Remix)
Ego Express - Knartz IV
Bloc Party - Banquet (Phones Disco Edit)
James Zabiela - Robophobia
Ran Shani - Cool Like That
Eric Prydz - Call On Me (Radio Edit)
Audio Bullys - Shot You Down (Radio Edit)
BT - Running Down The Way Up
Elite Force - Mindfunkpsychedelic
Lee Coombs - Allright All Night
e White Stripes - Blue Orchid (High Contrast Remix)
Pendulum - Slam
e Killers - Mr Brightside (e Thin White Duke Remix)

[john peel day]

2005-10-13T19:28:00.000+01:00

[John Peel Day!]

it's been one year since the great man's last broadcast, and there are hundreds of gigs all over the country in honour of the late john peel. was supposed to play the Cuban Boys' commemorative track "The Nation Needs You" - made with snippets of peel on air - at noon, but that happened to be in the middle of a lecture. hrmmm.

it's sad cos all the good gigs around here seem to sell out mysteriously the moment they're announced. needless to say, i'm miffed!!

anyway. in honour of john peel, his favourite track of all time, which is a great song in its own right.

The Undertones - Teenage Kicks

Are teenage dreams so hard to beat
Everytime she walks down the street
Another girl in the neighbourhood
Wish she was mine, she looks so good

I wanna hold her wanna hold her tight
Get teenage kicks right through the night

I'm gonna call her on the telephone
Have her over cos i'm all alone
I need excitement oh i need it bad
And its the best i've ever had

I wanna hold her wanna hold her tight
Get teenage kicks right through the night

I wanna hold her wanna hold her tight
Get teenage kicks right through the night

[broke out of hibernation]

2005-09-25T15:37:00.000+01:00

[i broke out of hibernation to say...]

yeah i know i havent been updating. hasnt been much to update, to be honest. but i broke out of hibernation to say that Pastafarianism rules! Hail the Flying Spaghetti Monster! ^^;

more updates when i feel like it.

[watch this space]

2005-07-31T04:46:00.000+01:00

[watch this space]

slipped my mind to update the blog last month, so now you have it, a break in the hitherto unbroken run from june 2002! not really in the mood to post, but if i don't july will slip by without a post too.

the flooble chatterbox has finally given up the ghost, as have my individual post comments service. i'll see if i can activate the internal blogger one, and try and suss out a tagboard or something.

the long-in-the-waiting redesign has fallen through again, so when i say watch this space, i mean that i'll try and come up with some new content, or perhaps a new theme or something to write about.

thats it - ciao!

[NY state of mind]

2005-05-03T14:47:00.000+01:00

[NY state of mind]

just out!

The Dears - 22: The Death of All The Romance

I have never cried in anybody's arms
The way that I have often cried in yours
Please be the one to take my tears away
I was 22, I've had my share of views
I just can't steal that happiness from you
But I'll be the one to take your tears away

I can't believe the things you say
tell me, tell me
tell me the lies

Fasting love will lead us all to nowhere
When, when will we learn
I shall avenge the death of all the romance
Until, until I'm gone

I can't believe the things you say
tell me, tell me
tell me the lies
I can't believe the things you say
tell me, tell me
tell me the lies
I can't believe the things you say
tell me, tell me
tell me the lies
tell me the lies
tell me the lies
tell me, tell me the lies

nb: omitted repeats of the chorus, verses, etc.

[long overdue]

2005-04-20T01:43:00.000+01:00

[long overdue]

it feels like forever since i last posted, and in many ways, it is. (thanks if you're one of the few who do come back.) to be honest i don't know what i've been doing since the holidays started - heck, make that since the year started. last term went by in a haze. the holidays - the past 4 weeks, anyway - i've spent either aimlessly surfing the web (all sorts of stuff, from gizmodo to gamics and tons of RPG-related fiction (Living Spycraft, a modern day espionage-themed one, and Legend of the Five Rings, one loosely based on japan in the age of the samurai, both from the Alderac Entertainment Group - anybody interested in joining a play-by-web distance Living Spycraft game let me know, im strangely interested in being a GM), playing all manner of computer games (mainly Evil Genius - i can heartily reassure you that i am neither - and Aldon's Crossing, a brilliant RPG for the Palm (did i mention i made the switch to a second-hand tungsten e? on the day that the E2 was officially announced, no less), catching up on last december's movies (especially Napoleon Dynamite which seems to only have made it big in the UK, though i may be wrong. i adore it to pieces), generally living in isolation, venturing out of the country on two trips (been back from sweden for a week, don't have the inclination to upload the photos yet. close to 200MB i suspect, and i did take them at 2 megapixel, to maximise the number of photos. what can i say, i was there for a week.), read everything except work, and generally avoiding anything that remotely looks like work. i'm really going to regret that.

anyway in the process of not doing work today, i plowed through Bill Bryson's fantastic A Short History of Nearly Everything and John Boyne's The Congress of Rough Riders in one sitting today! well not quite one sitting. but today, nonetheless. first, A Short History of Nearly Everything is a brilliant and engaging survey of science from the big bang to human origins to quantum mechanics and everything else in between. unfortunately it also skims over some of the more important experiments and theories in a wide variety of fields in favour of accessibility - not really a serious flaw, if it can spark mass interest in science - but a suggested reading list in addition to, if not instead of, a bibliography would have been much better imho.

and as for The Congress of Rough Riders, well, that's what prompted the whole post, after so long, in the first place. it's interesting, the ideas are fresh, though it's not by far one of the best-written fiction books i've read (Neal Stephenson's Baroque Trilogy is STILL my current vote). it's the themes that got me thinking - i seem to be doing that on a full time basis now, as long as im not sleeping or playing computer games! - about family, ancestry, identity and all that. i'm not going to go all out lit here (i'm not sure if i can pull off the pretence, and in any case i never liked to get technical, even if i could) so relax. as succintly as i can, the story's about Buffalo Bill, the wild west scout and showman extraordinaire, and two generations of his descendants - mainly the born-in-the-70s William Cody (yes, named after his titular great-grandfather) and how his father, who never managed to make much of his own life, kept feeding William stories of his great-grandfather. okay that makes it sound really boring - it's not - but then again i'm summarizing the main plot device to make my own point. i read it, and suddenly realised that i don't know much about my grandparents, much less my ancestors. sure, i know a few stories they've told me, but that can't possibly be all. and it dawned on me that we're all not getting any younger, and i won't be home for extended periods of time till after this decade is done (estimated long-term return is 2012, folks, and even then i've kind of lost count) - i won't be back, and who knows how much more time there is to share these experiences? my grandma said something to that effect many many times, but it's only really stirring emotions now. worst of all, i can't even phrase a proper question in mandarin, much less teochew, to ask them to tell me their stories. earlier this month, a friend (another international student) commented on how good my english was compared to some of the other internationals (esp when it comes to essays, i might add) and i replied that it was because english was my first language. i don't want to be melodramatic, but that episode suddenly came back, and i'm none too proud that i can't formulate a proper question in my other supposed first language, my 'mother tongue' (which is a bit of a misnomer really, since i communicate with my parents only in english). to be fair the language thing has always bothered me. more on that later. but i was really moved at the prospect of losing some part of my family history, my ancestry - god that sounds so archaic - no. real people who i am close to and mean a lot to me, but whom i never really was able to find out a lot about - who am i kidding. i didn't feel compelled to talk to them every opportunity i got, and i certainly wasn't all that curious about their lives. they're still here, thank goodness, and i intend to set some things right when i get back in june. maybe scrap holiday plans and spend some more time just at home. goodness knows thats all my family has ever wanted, and i never felt compelled to provide.

PS languages - i've known they were my achilles heel for ever and ever. anybody who's ever seen my room, or looked at my spending habits knows that i intend to learn as many languages as i possibly can.. without being particularly commited to any. i just buy the stuff and watch it languish in some shelf gathering dust. that's true of the teach yourself french kit (2CDs and book), norwegian (oslo), spanish (ibiza) and portugese of brazil (brazilian music, you know?) book in my room in college at this very moment. and strangely enough, now that i no longer NEED to do mandarin, im compelled to bring myself up to scratch in it. i DID buy a wen yan wen textbook (um, formal/"high" mandarin..?) the last time i was in shanghai. i just haven't got around to reading it yet - which is another one of my gripes. i seem to flit from interest to interest without so much as a second's pause in between. i don't really think i'll ever go back to fencing or kendo training ever again, in all honesty.

PPS i don't care if i sound preachy. it's my soapbox. and for the record, it's not meant to be. it's true that i've been roused out of my hermitlike existence for the past month by what i just read and thought about. it's one of those things that you know you just have to do.

[this blog is not dead]

2005-04-05T02:10:00.000+01:00

[this blog is not dead]

this blog is not dead.

i'm just feeling antisocial, and there isn't very much happening in my life at the moment, and although i am thinking a lot (and slacking far too much for my own good) these don't translate well to electronic ink. (in other words, im playing too much Evil Genius and not doing any work at all. which is bad, considering that half the 'holiday' is over already).

been to copenhagen and back. it's nice, if you haven't already seen the pix then email me / IM / whatever and i'll send you a snapfish invite to go see. leaving for sweden in 24h, for a week - god knows how i'll ever get any work done. (and i've already been behind for all of last term, goodness knows what i was doing)

sometimes i just hate myself. dont you?

[brrr]

2005-02-26T04:45:00.000Z

maintenance post for feb. been really busy, my life's been turned upside down a few times already (not in a good way!) and i still haven't kept up with what's happening this term, so this will be a super short post.

lain low for the past week or so with gastric flu, and i never realised i'd miss milk so badly - esp now that the weather is getting cold (low zeros/subzeros), right at the tail end of winter (what gives?!) and hot chocolate is the most satisfying thing you can possibly have.

seriously overspent on music - at HMV and on ebay - this month and am not sure how i'll balance the books.

uhh no time for ruminations and stuff, not in the mood for it either.

peace out.

[nothing doing]

2005-01-29T23:03:00.000Z

[nothing doing]

2nd weekend of term and my life's all out of whack - been pulling 2 - 3h days since term started and am on verge of keeling over. just woke up from a much needed 12h rest, but in the meantime everybody's so far ahead of me already, i tell you it's scary.

decks have arrived, haven't broken them out yet cos i just don't have the time!

am seriously overbudget thanks to my new-found ebay habit.

De La Soul - Say No Go

POS:
Now let's get right on down to the skit
A baby is brought into a world of pits
And if it could've talked that soon
In the delivery room
It would've asked the nurse for a hit
The reason for this?
The mother is a jerk
Excuse me, Junkie
Which brought the work of the old
Into a new light
What a way
But this what a way
Has been a way of today
Anyway
Push couldn't shove me to understand a path to a basehead
Consumer should erase it in the first wave
But second wave forms believers
And believers will walk to it then even talk to it and say...
(You got the body now you want my soul)
Nah, can't have none of that, tell 'em what to say Mase...
SAY NO GO
DOVE:
Nah, no my brother
No my sister
Try to get hip to this
Word, word to the mother
I'll tell the truth so bear my witness
Fly like birds of a feather
Drugs are like Pleather
You don't wanna wear it
No need to ask that question, just don't mention
You know what the answer is...
POS:
Now I never fancied Nancy
But the statement she made held a plate of weight
I even stressed it to Wade
DOVE:
Did he take any heed?
POS:
Nah, the boy was hooked, you could've phrased the word 'Base'
And the kid just shook
In his fashion class once an A now an F
The rock rules him now
The only designs left
Were once clothes made for Oshkosh
Has converted to nothing but stonewash

DOVE:
Now hopping in a barrel is a barrel of fun
But don't hop in if you want to be down, son
'Cause that could mean down and out as an action
What does it lead to?
Dum-da-dum-dum
People say what have I done for all my years
My tears show my hard-earned work
I heard shoving is worse than pushing
But I'd rather know a shover than a pusher
'Cause a pusher's a jerk
SAY NO GO
POS:
Believe it or not the plot forms a fee more that charity
But the course doesn't coincide with the ride of insanity
Is it a chant that slants the soul to fill for it?
I know it's the border that flaunts the order to kill for it
DOVE:
Standing, scheming on a young one
Taking his time, eight-ball for a cool pool player
Racked it all, tried to break, miscued
Got beat by the boy in blue
Next day you're out by the spot once more
Looking hard for a crack in the hole
I ask what's the fix for the ill stuff
Word to the Dero
The answer should have been no
POS:
Run me a score from the Funky Four Plus One More
(It's the joint!)
Rewind that back
This is the age for a new stage of fiend
Watch how the junkies scream
It's the crack
Plain is plain it should explain it from the start
Behind the ideals of cranking up the heart
Now the base claim's shot over every part
SAY NO GO
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT
SAY NO GO
SAY NO GO

[radio]

2005-01-09T14:58:00.000Z

[radio]

thanks to the Dec ish of DJ Mag, i've discovered the wonders of MonkeyRadio - dont worry, the site isn't updated but the music works fine - playing my kind of stuff; downtempo, trip-hop, whatever you call it. it just rocks.

and for those of you back home, do tune in to Lush 99.5, they don't have online streaming yet, but this is a station i didn't expect to see sprout at home, from mediacorp no less, so soon. downtempo but more jazzy and less beats than MonkeyRadio. it's still wonderful, and my radio's locked on to 99.5 whenever i'm home.. nice that they gave X'Ho a job there, too.

Cibo Matto - Sunday Pt 1

The bomb in my heart is beating me a B note
Maybe my ear dirt is cheating on me, yo
'Cuz missin' you on Sunday morning, I need somethin' new
It's Sunday morning
But nothing helps me... I'm just waiting for the milkman to come

I can't find it, I can't find it

Why do I feel so lonely? I don't know how to compromise
You are my one and only. What can I find 'til the moon rises?

I feel dizzy, you're so damn sleazy, I know you'll say "I was busy"
Baby, take me out, it's been rained out so I run to the bank to get my cash
And check our savings of love out but it's closed on Sunday
What can I say? I feel blue the rain starts soaking my shoes
We're losing glue I can't find a clue, I'm knocking on the door
Somebody is dancing on the floor, then I know the score, I can't take it no more

The Knicks winnin' can't even make me high, cuttin' coupons for nothing makes me sigh

I can't find it, it's been on my mind, I've been trying to find it day and night

this just rocks. couldn't stand it, had to post it.

[there she goes, my beautiful world]

2005-01-05T23:41:00.000Z

[there she goes, my beautiful world]

for as long as i've lived, i've been waging a losing battle, always fighting ferverently to preserve whatever's left of my innocent, wide-eyed view of the world. i've been questioned about it before - some people just can't understand why i refuse to act my age. but innocence is something once lost, can never be regained.

as if the boxing day tragedy and the kidnapping and subsequent murder (?) of a little girl back home wasn't bad enough (i only found out after i got home, hadn't been reading ST for a long time and therefore was really shocked), today, on the news, i hear about a girl, 20something, who went missing HERE on NYE. and worse, she sent text messages asking for help, then her phone died, and now there are posters all over town with her face on it.

and now, talking to my friends, i realise that cam isn't as safe as i'd thought it was - apparently some fresher's dad was socked while he was walking outside the biggest pub in town. (i assume it was a completely random incident.) and there's stuff about the night stabber, and .. well i think i'll just stop here. it's shocking, because it's just a picturesque small town, it's the last thing you'd associate with crime. maybe things are different in town and where i am - people leave their bikes unlocked on the racks outside, and nothing happens - this would never happen in town, i presume.

still, it's an unwelcome - and sobering - reminder that the world can still be a very harsh place.

won't re-list Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds' "There She Goes, My Beautiful World", cos i did so not too long ago.

New Year, back in Cam, I heart Huckabees, can opener

2005-01-02T22:52:00.000Z

[i *heart* huckabees]

before you know it it's 2005 already! wanted to do a midnight post but was busy packing my bags for the 0900 flight back to cam - besides, posting on NYE is a bit sad. speaking of sad, though, the recent earthquake/tsunami disaster has really dampened the festive mood, plus the incessant rain over the past week or so meant that i had to cancel NYE plans. pity, though, considering that it might be the last NYE i spend in sgp for a while. was looking forward to catching electrico at the esplanade, and/or going to CHIJMES for their salsa / latin-house party. but nobody would really be in the mood, not after everything that's happened.

it IS interesting that the public healthcare conglomerates (i dont know what the correct term to use is, but neither do i want to mention their names!) only sent teams of 3-5 doctors to aid in the rescue/recovery, while the private healthcare groups have sent teams of 25 doctors (with a few more planned, i believe) - depending on your viewpoint that could either mean that public sector doctors are very harried taking care of the local population already and really can't spare much time to help, lest their caseloads explode, or simply that the private sector has a bigger heart. true that doctors who have gone private are at liberty to set their own schedules, but they too have patients and schedules to manage. yet why is there such a disproportionate response to the disaster?

still connected, in a really roundabout way - caught 75% of The Motorcycle Diaries on the plane - you know, the film about Che Guevara, who took a break in the last semester of medical schol to go on a road trip to the other side of South America with his buddy to visit a leper colony. the film stopped just at they arrived at the colony.. thus far it's a bit one-sided in its heroic, can-do-no-wrong depiction of Che Guevara, but then again, it's based on something he supposedly wrote (correct me if im wrong), so no big surprise there. don't get me wrong, it's not a bad film, it does raise questions, but it does seem a little preachy.

I *heart* Huckabees is an absolute TREAT. it's by the same director behind Three Kings, that Gulf War show that was really good but drew more attention for its depiction of violence (i still remember the scene about how a bullet goes through flesh) ; it's not a serious movie, though - it's more like Confessions of A Dangeous Mind in that it's really satirical, but it's more laugh out loud than Confessions. everything comes together really well, and believe it or not, it's a philosophical movie!

last review, because i spent most of the journey catching up on sleep. watched We Don't Live Here Anymore - loosely based on two short stories, We Don't Live Here Anymore and Adultery. it's one of those marraige-breaking-down movies, though it's quite well acted IMHO and clearly illustrates what's going through each character's heads. been thinking quite a bit about these things recently, ever since i blazed through The Unbearable Lightness of Being before my flight - PS it's a brilliant book; philosophical fiction - and i must admit the thought of being stuck in a loveless marraige with kids and not knowing what to do chills me to the core. (moot point, who wouldnt?)

the single biggest advantage of paying rent over the holidays is the fact that everything remains in your room, instead of being spread all over the place in various (locked, hopefully) cupboards, plus i have a ready stash of food in the room - an important consideration since i arrived on the evening of jan 1.

sadly, though, i realise that i can't really figure out how to use a can opener. to my credit, it's not a normal can opener - instead of inserting it horizontally and cutting the circumference of the lid, this one goes horizontal and slices the whole lid AND rim off. and if youre wondering, i eventually gave up and dug through all my boxes for the instruction manual. what fun..

ok that's it. evidently im not in a blogging mood; i'm just posting because quite a lot has happened. blogging for the sake of blogging, i'm afraid.

Sugababes - New Year

Sitting here stressing at 2:30am
About how fast the year can go
I wonder where it went
If we start all over again, would it really work
I know that you could be, could be, coming back to me

Mesmorised, but of thoughts of fear
Traumatised, I'm so scared to feel
Wanna stop thinking gotta get to sleep
Gotta wake up fresh, get on my feet
Push the thought of you away
Do it today

I'm older than my years
Drowing in my tears
Surrounded by the fear
Since you went away, a year ago
At Christmas

You locked away your secrets
Kept them away from me
I only came to say goodbye, now you finally see
You wanna start all over again, make it work this time
But I don't wanna end up feeling far away from fine

I memorised, what you said to me
So surprised, it was hell to be
So frustrated with the way we were
Not a single word could make it work
Now look at us today
We blew it away

I'm older than my years
Drowing in my tears
Surrounded by the fear
Since you went away, a year ago
At Christmas

PS just discovered through IMDB (the internet movie database) that there's a TON of i *heart* huckabees websites. try this questionnaire out.. would you believe i'm a solitary casanova? ^^;

merry xmas!

2004-12-24T18:58:00.000Z

[merry xmas!]

im too lazy to take any photos - plus the tree i have is a decidedly *mini* one that fits on my table (and therefore is easy to stow away during the other 11 months of the year, or basically any time i don't feel christmassy.. [ie never] heh)

so merry xmas and a happy new year ebdy!

not likely to be able to switch to a later flight from SIN - LHR so im still leaving dec 31 midmorning. bummer. keeping my fingers crossed, though.

ah finally managed to find this, and put it together: the Fencing Singapore International 2004 Corporate Stikfas figure! its just so cool.. was hunting high and low for it, but lo and behold, i've finally found it! pix to come, if i can overcome this no-picture inertia.

has gradually dawned on me that 1) i will need a REAL break next hols, because there's a couple of exams right at the end of term; 2) most ppl are either heading home or travelling to places i have absolutely no desire to see; and therefore 3) it is now a real possibility that i may travel by myself. i sorta welcome it, actually. part of slowly becoming comfortable with myself. but of course this plan has met with stiff resistance from my parents.. though to be honest, i don't think anybody would put up with more than a day or two of museums, art galleries, sketching, bumming around in cafes, eating from supermarkets/markets, staying in hostels.. and not much shopping.. well if that sounds like fun to you, and you can go somewhere in the easter hols, let me know ASAP. need to buy a travel guidebook before i go back, but i haven't decided on which one..

also - im swamped in turkey this xmas! had tons of turkey before i came back, and now we've got too many turkeys at home, too! *groan*

well, *feliz navidad, amigos!

*insert upside down exclamation mark here.

links time!

2004-12-23T04:26:00.000Z

[link time!]

was forwarded this, and found it incredibly hilarious - Rules of Engagement and Other Things .. and a sister blog, Sgp Army Stories which is *priceless*. girls have to read it otherwise they won't understand what guys talk about.. and guys have to read it just to feel nostalgic.

been incredibly busy doing *nothing*, and its funny how it's a full time job. the best laid plans of mice and men...

but perhaps this best sums up how i feel now. it's another blog post by the same blogger i linked to above.

slowly finding my own two feet, slowly finding the confidence i know i need to get ahead, to be the person i'm meant to be, to be the person i want to be. i've come such a long way but now it just feels like i have so much more to go; it's an overwhelming sense of futility - that all you've strived for for so very long has just come to naught. i sit back and wonder why, above all, i bother.

back!

2004-12-11T04:46:00.000Z

[back in da singapura]

... to paraphrase rather badly from a boredphucks' album title. haven't fully got used to being back yet, my room's still a mess and my body's still somewhere in between UK and SGP time.. but basically i haven't been gone long enough to really miss anything from either side. haven't sorted out my photos yet (and some will never see the light of day, heh) so i'm afraid this will just be a short text-only "i'm back!" post.. still have a big progress test when sch reopens in jan - of which i have done NOTHING for and am currently plunging into the final instalment of Neal Stephenson's Baroque Trilogy, the System of the World (a brilliant book if you ask me) - so if you're around and wanna meet up, sms / icq / msn /etc me and book a slot soon! will be terribly busy this time around..

[end of term!]

2004-12-02T20:53:00.000Z

[end of term!]

8 weeks have just gone by in a blur - still as clueless abt anatomy as i was 8 weeks ago - and spending wayyyy above my budget. spending an inordinate amt of £ on music - vinyls, concerts, CD singles - and concerts are always heavy on the wallet because of pre-concert dinner, etc. that, coupled with the fatigue that just mounts with each passing week, means that i'm on the verge of collapsing, from the sheer amount of work that needs to be done as well as a vague malaise/fatigue/flu thingy.

in unrelated news, am slowly but surely becoming more confident - when you start from zero, *anything* is a huge improvement. but i am tempted to change, to be what i am not - and i always wonder how much of me actually IS like what i want to be, or whether i'm completely selling out. as with most things, it's always a shade of grey.

Joss Stone concert

Shiny Disco Balls... Ministry of Sound!

Stage from the production of Wit (play about ovarian cancer, really good)

and i've got a couple more photos on my camera (not the camera phone) that i haven't uploaded, so i'll do it slowly. net access is down for a day (at least) cos the college is upgrading the infrastructure. will be back soon.. catch you all then.

disclaimer: i have to work cos i have an exam when i get back.. not fun. hence, won't be able to be out the whole day, yadda yadda.

no songs - yet. ill add one if my net access is still up later, too many songs (without lyrics freely available) swimming around in my head.. i love the music scene here.

[quick update]

2004-11-08T17:30:00.000Z

[quick update]

the work's really beginning to pile up, am way behind in my work (as usual) and my usual inefficiency and slow rate of learning isn't helping things either.

went to support my friend at the Daily Telegraph DJ Competition (i presume it was local heats, although i can't really say for sure) on sat at the Clare Cellars.. the place was quite nice and the DJs were fantastic.. got in on guest list, since he was a contestant, and wound up being there with most of the college rugby team (!) and some other medics (who decided to go at the last min).. anyway it's a 15min set so playing house (long tracks) is a definite disadvantage. he went for breaks, but most of the other contestants were hip hop DJs / turntablists (with some pretty mad skillz!!) and as you can probably guess, the tracks are much shorter and you can pack in much more variety.

the decks -

the venue -

the DJ!

random shot of me at Guy Fawkes' Night party

haven't been bringing my camera everywhere, cos i now have a sony ericsson k700i! mwahahaa. the pictures arent fantastic, but they get the job done..

super irritated, because i just spent £14 replacing my brake pads, then right after that i discover that the front wheel hits the pedals when i cycle.. all my friends swear it's seriously unsafe to cycle (though i managed to get to town and back), so i'll probably have to splash out on a fancy new bike. more £££... anyway - just to console myself - the bike certainly wasn't like that initially, so i suspect i might have crashed it one too many times, in which case it's better to total a cheap(er) second hand bike. =/

Usher ft Alicia Keyes - My Boo (yes it's spelled that way)

[Usher intro:]

There's always that one person
That will always have your heart
You'll never see it coming
Cause you're blinded from the start
Know that you're that one for me
It's clear for everyone to see
Ooh baby ooh you'll always be my boo

[Alicia intro:]

I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock

[Usher Verse:]

Do you remember girl
I was the one who gave you your first kiss
Cause I remember girl
I was the one who said put your lips like this
Even before all the fame and
People screaming your name
Girl I was there when you were my baby

[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taking over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia:]
I was in love with you when we were younger
You were mine my boo
And I see it from time to time
I still feel like my boo
And I can see it no matter
How I try to hide my boo
Even though there's another man in my life
You will always be my boo

[Alicia Verse:]

Yes I remember boy
Cause after we kissed
I could only think about your lips
Yes I remember boy
The moment I knew you were the one
I could spend my life with
Even before all the fame
And people screaming your name
I was there and you were my baby

[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taking over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia:]
I was in love with you when we were younger
You were mine my boo
And I see it from time to time
I still feel like my boo
And I can see it no matter
How I try to hide my boo
Even though there's another man in my life
You will always be my boo

[Usher:]
My oh, My oh, My oh, My oh, My Boo

[Alicia:]
My oh, My oh, My oh, My oh, My Boo

[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taking over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia & Usher:]

I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock

[loneliness is just a state of mind]

2004-11-02T23:15:00.000Z

[loneliness is just a state of mind]

so many things have happened that i just don't know where to begin. no one single event on its own is earth-shattering, but taken all together in rapid succession, the collective impact is just.. numbing.

i live my life with too much emotion for my own good. it's not healthy, and it's really just a waste of emotion over pointless things that aren't worth bothering about. and each time i open my heart to somebody, something goes horribly wrong. most of the time i'm one step too late (though it DOES beg the question whether anything i might have done earlier would make a difference - most of the time the honest answer is no) and on the rare occasion that it's not, i inevitably screw things up. sometimes i wonder whether i'm cut out for all this, whether i am the heartbreaker my ego insists i am (the ego being the ego, this is a purely bhb point), or indeed whether i have any semblance of a magnetic personality (if i do, it's set on 'repulse').

it's tempting to just shut the door and become cynical, but i've grown out of that a long time ago. now, it's just a numbing feeling that doesn't go away easily. i don't really blame anybody for my condition - everybody has a right to like somebody, and there exists a reciprocal right for that person to not like somebody back. i think i was just born and raised sensitive, to the point where its more of a hindrance than anything, and i've always been showered in nothing but love from my family, so much so that i tend to be overexpressive when it's unwarranted or worse, unwelcome. that's just the way i am, and it naturally predisposes me towards getting hurt.

i've thought long and hard about what it is about me that i could be doing wrong: too quiet, too reserved, too serious, the list goes on. i've tried to change time and time again, but i haven't really got very far from where i started. and that begs the question: is there a point in changing yourself? and as long as the person you like is entitled to not reciprocate, there is no point in changing, because you'll just keep changing and you'll still not satisfy anybody.

i've come so close to gaining street cred now - something i've always wanted - but i live with the burden of not fitting in. sometimes it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. always was too funky for the quiet, more studious types, and always was too geeky for the loud, trendsetting types. i can't really hold a conversation, and the problem is worse here because i don't really have much in common with everybody else - i don't follow football, or much sport for that matter, i don't go to formal dinners (too troublesome), i don't drink much, i don't go to the college disco (too cheesy for me) and i don't club normally (crap music and expensive). i'm on the verge of losing that cred because i don't always tag along on pub crawls or clubbing nights or college disco - i don't really enjoy those things, and nobody likes to go to big name DJ events for some strange reason. truth of the matter is it really shouldn't matter so much to me - i really should just be doing my thing regardless of what everybody else thinks - but i'm just too insecure to really be able to do that.

and apart from insecurity, i just think so much about things that it borders on the obsessive. your heart is always wrenched in two when you see someone you like with someone else - part of you is happy that they're happy and they're probably a better match for each other than you could ever hope to be, but the other part of you just thinks: why not me?

am i too picky in finding somebody i like? but if there's a spark there's a spark.. and i haven't found any lately.

i can't really be bothered if whoever i want IS like my parents or eventually winds up being like my parents - as long as i care about them, it doesn't really matter. people change all the time: if you know you like, even love a person enough, you'll stick by them no matter how much they change. thing is, romantic love isn't like parental love. even at its purest, you love a person conditionally - for being themselves. and if they do change abruptly (say, becoming a cold-blooded mass murderer) then there's nothing inherently wrong in not loving that person anymore, because they aren't being the self that you fell in love with in the first place. you just can't escape from the conditional aspect even at the purest form; thinking otherwise is self-delusional at best. not too worried about marriage in general - the important thing is finding the right person - and i've only just come to realise that despite what i thought, i've never met a single right person. .. but then that's just me.

need something to take my mind away from it all. any of 3 things now would help: a proper DJ coming down to spin a proper set in town, someone to share a deeply loving, mutual relationship with (im just SO dependent that i hate myself) or an engaging research project to make me feel enthusiastic again. thing is, i know i won't have the time for any of them, especially the last one.. but it keeps me challenged.

i just want to be accepted. i just want to love, and be loved. (doesn't everybody?) is that too much to ask?

Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds - There She Goes, My Beautiful World

The wintergreen, the juniper
The cornflower and the chicory
All the words you said to me
Still vibrating in the air
The elm, the ash and the linden tree
The dark and deep, enchanted sea
The trembling moon and the stars unfurled
There she goes, my beautiful world

There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes again

John Willmot penned his poetry
riddled with the pox
Nabakov wrote on index cards,
at a lectem, in his socks
St. John of the Cross did his best stuff
imprisoned in a box
And JohnnyThunders was half alive
when he wrote Chinese Rocks

Well, me, I'm lying here, with nothing in my ears
Me, I'm lying here, with nothing in my ears
Me, I'm lying here, for what seems years
I'm just lying on my bed with nothing in my head

Send that stuff on down to me
Send that stuff on down to me
Send that stuff on down to me
Send that stuff on down to me

There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes again

Karl Marx squeezed his carbuncles
while writing Das Kapital
And Gaugin, he buggered off, man,
and went all tropical
While Philip Larkin stuck it out
in a library in Hull
And Dylan Thomas died drunk in
St. Vincent's hospital

I will kneel at your feet
I will lie at your door
I will rock you to sleep
I will roll on the floor
And I'll ask for nothing
Nothing in this life
I'll ask for nothing
Give me ever-lasting life

I just want to move the world
I just want to move the world
I just want to move the world
I just want to move

There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes again

So if you got a trumpet, get on your feet,
brother, and blow it
If you've got a field, that don't yield,
well get up and hoe it
I look at you and you look at me and
deep in our hearts know it
That you weren't much of a muse,
but then I weren't much of a poet

I will be your slave
I will peel you grapes
Up on your pedestal
With your ivory and apes
With your book of ideas
With your alchemy
O Come on
Send that stuff on down to me

Send that stuff on down to me
Send that stuff on down to me
Send that stuff on down to me
Send that stuff on down to me
Send it all around the world
Cause here she comes, my beautiful girl

There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes again

[downhill]

2004-10-31T03:48:00.000Z

[downhill]

and just when i thought everything was looking up. i really shouldn't do any anticipatory posts - "things are beginning to look up!" because (and you can prove this yourself, too) over the long run probability favours something really big to screw up and mess with your mood.

first things first - daylight savings time is now over (apparently) so the clocks are set back by 1h. hence, the time difference from SGP to here is now -8h, not -7 (as it was yesterday). shdnt be a diff for US peeps like gen, yk etc because you're probably on DST as well so no net effect.

anyway i didn't receive my checkbook by the mail for over a month and have been chasing my bank for it. imagine my surprise when i just happened to print out an account statement when i was withdrawing money.. someone cashed a check out of my account for £860!! i discovered that sometime mid-late last week but nothing can be done until the copy of the cheque arrives at the bank. whee.. that's no small sum of $.

nursing a horrible headache now - no it's not alcohol related!! - it's probably the summation of all these little nitty gritty things turning into low-grade stress.

*really annoyed*

The Zutons - Don't Ever Think

I'm standing on the edge of the cliff
And I'm thinking it through my mind
I'm afraid that I'm about to slip
Because my body is out of time

And I'm thinking, thinking, thinking, think
Thinking till I'm nearly dead
Do you remember when you were young?
Do you remember what your mother said?

She said, don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much
and don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much
and don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much
and don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much

Obsession is a terrible thing
Does it happen to everyone?
As mother nature comes with a sting
And it persecutes everyone

And I'm lying, I'm lying, I'm lying awake
Lying in my burnt out bed
Do you remember when you were young?
Do you remember what your mother said?

She said, don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much
and don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much
and don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much
and don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much

And I think again
And I think again
It's just the thinking I don't understand
It's all holes, built to wires
But persecution is on fire

Don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much
and don't ever think, ever think, ever think too much (repeat to fade)

liked that so much that i bought the vinyl single! £1.50 only.. wow. now i only need a turntable..

[looking up]

2004-10-26T00:02:00.000+01:00

[looking up]

well.. things are finally beginning to look up! it's still a mad rush trying to keep pace with what's going on in lectures & dissections while still trying to maintain street cred (sigh!) without compromising on what i feel comfortable with.

but hey, things are looking up.. CORRECTLY identified the median nerve (it's kinda soft and squidgy for a nerve) in the carpal tunnel - which everybody else thought was the radial artery (apparently more soft and squidgy, but the point is that it's somewhere ELSE altogether) - and which they mistook for the tendon of palmaris longus (which i correctly identified as well). small victory, yes, but at least my intuition is still working correctly.

had a great time at sat's Stanton Warriors gig at the Junction (past the railway station, so that's really far.. but not as far as when I have to get to Homerton College for kendo trg, that's the venue they've booked for the past week + ) and i must say i have NEVER felt more at home in the UK. (some decent music for a change!) .. there's really not much point in going out a few times a week if the music's all generic and crap, but then that's just me.

lots of other assorted incidents as well that i don't have the time to get into here, though i'm STILL owed my chequebook and bank statement from HSBC. 3 weeks and counting, whee.

if i was to actually sit down and think hard about what's been happening, the victories have been really small compared to the setbacks - but for some strange reason i'm just not sad. i'm positively buoyant and i have no idea why.. hope this lasts!

oh, and because the title was "quote me on this..."

"Relationships are like tennis: courting is involved, balls are involved, and love is a score."
-- Pris and QX, on the phone

no appropriate songs for this post, unfortunately!

freshers' week

2004-10-09T23:00:00.000+01:00

[freshers' week]

hi all, i'm gradually settling in, but before i can do so the workload's already piling up!

my room's nice and big and, after a spot of decoration or two, very cheery! =)

getting to grips with my bike (second hand, 50 GBP + 45 GBP accessories) - the first day i just kept running into things, including but not limited to: the hedge just outside college, a metal post next to the market square that just rose out of the ground in front of me (to my extreme horror) which caused me to flip over the handlebars, and the side of a bridge (don't ask the name), causing my spanking new polycarbonate water bottle to disappear into the depths of the river cam.

anyway that was a few days ago, and just yesterday i was happily riding alone in the dark all the way across town to the YMCA for kendo training. fencing helps A LOT, that's what i can say, but it's way more regimented and i don't know how long i'll maintain interest. (it's not cheap, either..)

ok photo time!

My room.. the one just above the corridor.

Heh.

I'm here, if you look carefully..

that's it for now. future updates will probably be extremely brief! o_O xx

[alive & kicking]

2004-09-29T22:14:00.000+01:00

[alive & kicking]

in college now. moved in all my stuff, unpacked it really nicely.. the room's much bigger than expected (but hey, i'm paying £700 / term!!) and i *should* be able to occupy it during holidays (less moving around) but i'll have to pay rent (abt GBP500 or thereabouts based on per-day rates).

Net access in my room is not up yet, but should be up by thu or fri; can you believe i din bring an ethernet cable? so i have to buy one - 3/4/5m for £3, from college. if you buy outside of college its about 1m for £5.

My room's pretty dark, so i had to go lamp-hunting. it's a real problem finding lighting here - courts only sells furniture, bedding and carpeting, and i couldn't figure out how argos worked (apparently you pick stuff from a catalog, the guy disappears into a big storeroom and emerges 5 min later with your stuff) so i went running around all the big stores from supermarts to DIY shops to computer shops before I finally found a desk lamp from Office World. 35W halogen bulb, but the lamp cost £20!!!

Intl students orientation will be starting later this evening. Time difference is SGP -7h (for now). A few weeks later daylight savings time kicks in and it becomes SGP -8h. Bought a 2nd hand bike for £50 from wayyy out of town (but the guy was really friendly. "Mr Bike".. haha. runs a one man show, repairing and selling 2nd hand bikes & accessories.), after adding accessories like helmet, lock (v impt!), basket and stuff, total was £95. almost as much as a new bike! but it's a blue Shimano 10-speed and it rides pretty well, so i think that's OK.

Using common computers now - can't get used to the british keyboards! the " key is Shift-2, £ is Shift-3, @ is above R Shift, ~ is above R Shift, and ¬ is above Tab!!! Argh!!! Upload photos and stuff once my room account is up. Been living off sandwiches, pies and horribly expensive, yet untasty chinese takeaway food the past couple of days with my parents. Trying to make new friends and stuff, the apprehension is gradually fading. Oh well. Update you guys later. Cya!

PS this was rehashed cos somehow i managed to clear the original post before i hit the publish button. *grumble*

leaving

2004-09-25T13:19:00.000+01:00

[leaving]

well, i promised to update my blog again before i left, so here i am, typing away in the departure lounge of changi airport terminal 1. theres no way i can upload photos here, so i guess you guys will just have to wait! a big thank you to jun, teck, kaiwei, jacob, jingcong, boss, Dy and tim! be uploading photos once i've settled down and stuff. i'm not exactly in the habit of taking photos everywhere i go YET, so don't go expecting something like yk's blog which is full of photos!

ok gotta run now. ebdy take care, ill catch up with you soon.

first photo post / maintenance post

2004-09-19T20:27:00.000+01:00

[packing]

busy busy busy packing, unpacking, repacking... too much stuff (a perennial problem) and too little time. im way behind on my reading (and since there's so little time left i'm quite tempted to ditch it altogether already!) and *seriously* need to rip my CDs into my jukebox zen and organise my computer / palm (yes, a rapidly aging b&w one that's gone thru NS with me) in preparation for the trip.

anyhoo i replaced the batteries of the trusty old casio fx-D400 (some of you may remember that as THE calculator to use in A Maths back in Sec 3/4.. that is, unless you were naughty and broke/lost/misplaced/killed the calc. then you had to get it replaced with something else - either a sharp model or another (more ugly IMHO) casio model. but i still love the fx-D400.) and it was interesting enough to warrant a shot. well, i'll just test the link here then -

how was that?

planning to update my msn icon etc soon, but that can only come after i install some photo-editing software and *really* thrash out my hard disk.

leaving this saturday. was feeling a little blue last week, but now that there's so little time left the melancholiness is being rapidly replaced with anxiety (and more packing)!

that's it for now..

odds and ends as i update my ID3 tags

2004-09-09T20:32:00.000+01:00

[odds and ends as i update the ID3 tags of my MP3 collection]

two really cool things i never knew before:

The KLF (forever remembered as the people behind 3 AM Eternal - yes, *that* mass dance song. dunno how it got picked but it's definitely off the beaten track, if you ask me), a little biography from the All Music Guide. Interestingly enough, the version of 3 AM Eternal commonly heard was recorded live at an early 90s Brit Awards, where the KLF were performing, complete with automatic rifle shooting blanks (thank goodness this was pre-Sep 11), backed up by an outfit called Extreme Noise Terror, and the cryptic ending remark "The KLF have left the building". Apparently the original, live, one was "The KLF have left the music industry." Really eccentric characters, and very very interesting!
A response from Jyoti Mishra, the man behind White Town, on what the hit 1997 single "Your Woman" is about.. hilarious.

i've since discovered that it pays to do simple housekeeping of files - in the case of MP3s, filling up all the minutiae in the ID3 tags - as soon as you save them, before you come back 6 years later wondering what the HECK dream.mp3 or more.mp3 is. there just aren't enough clues to narrow it down (and believe me i've dug up as much info as i possibly can). spent most of this week just sorting my old ID3 tags, and i haven't even got down to the real business of ripping my entire CD collection into my spanking new creative jukebox [hard-disk type MP3 player -Ed].

maintenance post

2004-08-22T22:37:00.000+01:00

[maintenance post]

i'm still alive, i'm still alive... just been really busy the past few weeks. don't ask me exactly what i was doing, either, cos in all honesty i can't supply an answer either. but i'll try anyway. here goes - finish report & ppt, pack room (in a perennial mess, i can only hope my room over *there* is going to look more presentable), buy laptop (now a proud owner of a IBM T42. it runs doom3, w00! what more can i say?), attempt to install necessary software on said laptop, attend talks, meet up with people, send people off, watch olympics, and generally just refusing to sleep til 0600. (w00!) did i mention the ignominy of falling asleep on the sofa during the first Olympic 0400-0600 transmission - womens' team epee gold medal match, no less - what a waste.. but in truth the blades were moving too fast for my tired eyes to catch.

i'll just offer my quick 2 cents worth on our Olympic performance so far: great, but we just lost out in the final bits when it came to the crunch. we could have won, and we should have won. i just hope they start sports psychology classes for all national-team players soon, we seem to be sorely lacking in that dept. however, i also like to point out that any graduate of our local school system is more than well-versed in sports psychology / exam psychology, theyre all the same. maybe a short stint in school is in order for all national players?

all the scheduled, televised fencing matches are over, and although i didn't really keep track of all the events i could've sworn that some of the team matches weren't televised, perhaps because some other more popular sport was televised instead (and there are only 4 channels to televise the events with) - again, a real shame. but what *really* irked me was the way the italian mens' foil team behaved: play-acting (faking an injury, limping about in pain, the dr pronounced no injury, and seconds later he was lunging like the rest of them), mocking their opponents, and falling over about a dozen times, either onto or out of the piste. they basically tricked their way from a loss to a lead, and actually won the gold medal match. this is fencing, not some barside brawl.. unsporting, uncouth, and most importantly - unforgivable.

eulogy

2004-07-26T18:24:00.000+01:00

[eulogy]

i've been away for a little over a week, and so much has changed. the first weekend i was gone, one of the researchers at the institute im working in now passed on. what made it worse was that i knew him - not *very* well, to be honest, but he was on the same floor, same office, same lab. always smiling, a big joker, kind, and warm-hearted. it was a freak accident while on a trip to malaysia with colleagues - people i know too - in a part of malaysia i practically grew up in/with - i don't know if it was in the papers while i was gone; haven't read them, and probably won't have time to anyway. i learnt about it the most sterile way possible - inferred from mails on my work account. the inevitable collection for the bereaved family, scheduled visits by the counsellors.

i didn't even get to say goodbye.

when i got back to work today, the little label-printed nametag on his pigeonhole had been removed. just one gaping hole in the apartment-block-like mess of letters, flyers, papers and advertisements from lab supply companies. his cubicle, in ~~stark~~, nay, poignant, contrast, was exactly the way it had been when i left before my vacation, the only difference being a bunch of fresh flowers placed gingerly in front of his workstation.

nobody talks about it; it's been over a week since the unfortunate incident, and life must move on. but it's a rude shock for me. i've lived a blessed life, because i've never seen anybody close to me pass on (*touch wood, with all my heart*) .. this is about the closest i've come to dealing with death.

im still much too sentimental for my own good, and i need to get a grip on myself soon. i can't imagine how i'll be like when my first patient dies on me (*again, touch wood, with all my heart*). time to start reading On Death and Dying.. (it's a book for those in the medical profession to learn how to cope with [professional] death.. not some funny self-help book!)

you know how it is - how the message behind some 'common-sensical' stuff never really hits home until you really experience it firsthand - it's the same thing here. i've never really known how precious life is/was, how you can suddenly *go* without warning. i'd have taken it a bit better if it was a road accident or something in singapore - who would have thought the trip with which they undertook with such great enthusiasm and fanfare? it's the unexpected, unpredictable, perhaps even unimaginable passing-ons that shock the most. if this sounds really haphazard and disorganised, well, i don't really have any solid lessons to draw from this, just a deep blue period of mulling over things in general.

the more i think about it, the more fated it seems - how some things are eventually inescapable. or, as i've seen in a quote from [here, badly misquoted] Terry Prachett, how everybody you meet is going to die anyway. and there's just so much more i want to do, have to do, yet to do.. it's some sort of morbidly depressing impetus to act - sooner rather than later.

im sure you've gone through some painful losses too. if you're comfortable sharing them with me, then pls let me know. im still trying to find meaning in this whole turn of events.

Katie Melua - Crawling Up A Hill

Every morning (a)bout half past eight,
My Mummer wakes me says,
"Don't be late",
Get to the office, tryin' to concentrate,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill.

So I stop one day to figure it out,
I'll quit my job without a shadow of a doubt,
To sing the blues that I know about,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill.

Minute after minute,
Second after second,
Hour after hour goes by,
Working for a rich girl,
Staying just a poor girl,
Never stop to wonder why.

So here I am in London town,
A better scene Iüm gonna be around,
The kind of music that won't bring me down,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill.

Every morning (a)bout half past eight,
My Mummer wakes me says,
"Don't be late",
I get to the office, tryin' to concentrate,
My life is like a slow train crawling up a hill.

So I stop one day to figure it out,
I'll quit my job without a shadow of a doubt,
To sing the blues that I know about,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill.

Minute after minute,
Second after second,
Hour after hour goes by,
Working for a rich girl,
Staying just a poor girl,
Never stop to wonder why.

So here I am in London town,
A better scene I'm gonna be around,
The kind of music that won't bring me down,
Life is just a slow train.

So here I am in London town,
A better scene I'm gonna be around,
The kind of music that won't bring me down,
My life is just a slow train crawling up a hill

if the font comes out looking weird - new WYSIWYG blogger interface. excuse the font, ill figure out some way to fix it (if it is indeed broken).

katie melua's debut (i think) album - Call Off the Search. wonderfully atmospheric jazz-type vocals. endlessly adaptable.. respect.

the Clean Room

2004-07-15T13:39:00.000+01:00

[bunny hop]

found myself in Singapore Poly's clean room (incidentally, in the same building where i took the Communications System Engineering course in my cadet days.. yes, *that* building, teck & PP! apparently its the sch of engineering building or something) earlier this week, and the sight of all the bunny suits (not to mention the act of wearing them) left me trying very hard to stifle my laughter. it's just... weird. to put things in perspective, the moment you enter the room, you hit an office, and you must change your shoes to 'lab slippers'. then you go through two sets of sticky anti-dust mats, the kind that your 'lab slippers' stick to like there's no tomorrow, before entering the changing room. there you need to put on a jumpsuit (white for the poly students, blue for staff/faculty, green for other 'registered' users, hence i found myself wearing green) before swapping your slippers for jumpsuit-matching plastic pieces that go over your bare feet/socks. then gloves, a face mask, a hair mask, before you roll the hood of the jumpsuit over. after that, a quick blast of air through a set of double doors before you enter the actual clean room.

inside the clean room are all sorts of machines and things they use to fabricate chips and stuff. each piece of equipment looks like it cost a million.. and it's about as hard to use as it is expensive.

what really struck me was the difference in viewpoint between engineers and biologists: to engineers / microchip manufacturers, humans are contaminants that the clean microchips have to be protected from, hence the bunny suits; to biologists / virologists, viruses are contaminants that the clean humans have to be protected from, hence the bunny suits. on one hand people are 'dirty', whereas on the other, people are 'clean'.. it's all mind-boggling. to me, at least.

observatory / ublues / area 320

2004-07-10T21:48:00.000+01:00

[hanging up all my hang ups]

if there's one thing i've learnt this week, it's how much i've changed.. and how much more there is to go. (technically that's actually two things, but they're flip sides of the same point, so it still counts) regardless of how i carry myself, i just can't get rid of all my hang-ups, most of which are either downright childish or have no firm basis for existing. (i'm not going to elaborate!)

but i have found that music is therapeutic, and live music, even more so - had a great night out yest covering enough musical styles to cover half of HMV, and then some - and i've more or less thrown all the emotional baggage i've been lugging around this past week away.

the observatory gig was a bit of a letdown - although the sound was very polished and studio-quality (thanks to the mixers and powerbooks they were equipped with), everything wound up sounding rather similar after a while. and it WAS very ironic that after a drawn-out discussion during dinner about the punctuality campaign and how concerts NEVER start on time, we arrived half an hour late, only to find the gig in full swing (if you can imagine a chill-out-rock type gig in full swing). the venue was far smaller than the ZGPS one, maybe the management learnt their lesson not to utilise too big a space, but i was rather perturbed by the legions of fans quietly sitting down in an orderly fashion. *suspends disbelief* this IS singapore, after all. it even prompted the band to remark that "this is the quietest audience we've ever had!" *sigh* to be fair, though, it IS a little hard to gyrate to the observatory, and i'm not going to embarrass myself further by attempting to categorize their style of music. it was technically competent, but a little lacking - i certainly didn't walk out of the venue with the same satisfaction i did after ZGPS - though it's hard to say whether it was more the audience's fault or the band's. sad.

spilled out of the theatre studio on the top floor to catch ublues from the comfort of the roof terrace - now that was cool. the view from the roof terrace is nothing like that along the riverside, i can't quite put my finger on it, but there's a big difference in both atmosphere and view. it didn't last long, though, and security soon ushered us out of the roof terrace. what a shame!

ublues was fantastic. there's really no doubt as to why they've gone on to international festivals and stuff, the energy and sheer enthusiasm of the band is palpable! listening to them from the roof terrace didn't really do them justice, although the ground-level concert pit was jam-packed with people, simply because they had *presence*. they weren't into the whole visual-rock business, but it was a joy to catch them performing live. (fast running out of descriptive words)

and area 320... well we went early (2300+) and took quite a while to find the venue. the main problem with arriving early is that there are just too few people and absolutely NO energy at all. not that crowds are good, mind, the smoke is downright irritating - i can't understand how people manage to smoke and dance. they probably could run a marathon and still be puffing away, pun unintended - and it's difficult to move around from point A to point B. if i had doubts about whether my $28 was well spent in the first half an hour, it largely dissipated in the next hour, because the Lo-Fidelity Allstars (the primary reason why i decided to go) were absolutely wonderful. they managed the pulse of the crowd well, and name-dropped enough 'popular' tunes to get people feeling at ease - among them the Beastie Boys, twice, they opened the set with 'Intergalatic' and followed up later in the set with the new single 'Ch-Check It Out', Max Sedgely's "Happy" and Basement Jaxx' "Jump 'N Shout" - when in a large crowd of strangers, you just feel incredibly reassured and comforted by recognising a tune that you know. that's my theory, anyway. i'm still not sure if their set was mainly house or not, but I can say that I liked just about everything in the set.

the local DJs, in contrast, didn't receive such a warm reception, partly because their sets were more downtempo and by nature slower. it doesn't take a genius to figure out that they're the warm-up DJs before the big names come on.. maybe that was the crowd opinion too, or everybody was just spoiled rotten after the Lo-Fi Allstars.

Kid Loco's set was typically French, in the sense that it was quirky in a very fashionable way. at one point he actually played "The Sound of Silence" with a big beat.. what more can i say? brilliant, if in a less intense way than the Lo-Fi Allstars.

transportation was a major headache, though, i really wish i had driven there, it's right smack in the middle of nowhere and goodness knows when the shuttle bus comes (and if it ever does)..

whatever it is, though, im happy, and i've got nary a care in the world. mission accomplished!

Basement Jaxx - U Can't Stop Me

I got sixteen seconds and i don't want to stop
Got no time for the present living on a spinning top
i got satan on the tv i got god in a frame
i say 'hello' for a second then you won't see me again
i am happy i am sad i can be most anything
i'm a scary motha*> I'm the future on a spring
i got sixteen seconds and i don't wanna stop
i got no time for the present living on a spinning top
can't stop me, can't stop me, Can't stop me
you can't stop me

I got sixteen seconds and i don't wanna stop
i got no time for the present living on a spinning top
i got a fast food store selling poison, selling rocks
spaghetti junction in my head i'm living in the aftershock
i am happy i am sad i can do most anything
i'm a scary motha*> i'm the future on a spring
i got no time for the present living on a spinning top
can't stop me, can't stop me, can't stop me
you can't stop me

i've also begun to appreciate how so many things in life seem to be fated. for most of secondary school i had looked towards studying in the UK, because I was developing my taste in music, and the UK was simply the place to be for music. then around late sec4-j1 i started to look at the states or canada, because i liked the liberal arts system and the freedom of choosing your own courses. and as fate would have it, i was categorically rejected from all my US unis, and wound up being accepted in the UK - so i had to realign my thinking once again.

but given a choice now, i'd stick with the UK, simply because of the wide range of music available and how easy it is to find it there - from radio to clubs to records - and i know that if i had gone to the states i'd be firmly stuck on hip-hop/rap, or house, and that's about it. i'm happy the way things turned out. ^^;

ADDENDUM: it only struck me later that the phrase "hanging up all my hang ups" came from a song.. and how apt it is! Jamiroquai's "Canned Heat", the tune that was endlessly played all throughout 2000 (if my memory serves me well), which culuminated in me buying the album. anyway, here goes..

Jamoroquai - Canned Heat

You know this boogie is for real.
I used to buy my faith in worship,
But then my chance TO GET to Heaven slipped
I used to worry about the future
But then I throw my caution to the wind.
I had no reason to be care free
No no no, until I took a trip to the other side of town
Yeah yeah yeah, you know I heard that boogie rhythm
Hey- I had no choice but to get down down down down.

CHORUS

Dance, nothing left for me to do but dance,
Off these bad times I'm going through just dance
Got canned heat in my heals tonight baby

I feel the thunder see the lightning
I know this anger's heaven sent.
So I've got to hang out all my hang-ups
Because of the boogie I feel so hell bent
It's just an instant gut reaction, that I got
I know I never ever felt like this before,
I dont know what to do
But then thats nothing new,
Stuck between hell and high water
I need a cure to make it through.

Hey- dancing nothing left for me to do but dance
Off these bad times I'm going through just dance,
Hey got canned heat in my heals tonight baby
You know know know I'm gonna dance yeah
Off all the nasty things that people say.

You know know know I'm gonna dance yeah
Oh the nasty things that people say, but I'm gonna make it anyway...
Dance yeah! Got canned heat in my heels tonight baby!
You know I've got canned heat in my heels baby
You know this boogie is for real...
Only the wind can blow the answer
And she cries to me when I'm asleep
She says you know that you can go much faster
I know that peoples' talk can be so cheap
Yeah yeah
I got this voodoo child inveined on me
I'm gonna use my power to ascend
You know I got these running heels to use
Sometimes there's no way to lose
I was born to run
And built to last
You've never seen my feet
They can go so fast

Dance…yeah, hey!
Nothing left for me to do but
Dance
All these bad times I'm going through just
Dance…Hey
Got Canned Heat in my heels tonight, baby

Hey I've got to dance yeah!
Oh the nasty things that people say
But I'm gonna make it anyway,
Dance yeah!
Got canned heat in my heels tonight baby

You know this boogie is for real ,
So much canned heat in my heels yeah!
Gonna dance, gonna dance my blues away tonight,
You know I'm gonna dance my blues away,

You know this boogie is for real ,
So much canned heat in my heels yeah!
Gonna dance, gonna dance my blues away tonight,
Dance!
Got canned heat in my heels tonight,
Oh oh oh oh, canned heat in my heels tonight
Oh oh oh oh, canned heat in my heels tonight
Got so much...

Dance!

Hey DJ
Let the music play
I'm gonna live this party live
Hey DJ
Throw my cares away
I'm gonna live this party live
Hey DJ
Let the music play
I'm gonna this live this party live
Hey DJ
Throw my cares away
I'm gonna live this party live

Canned heat in my heels tonight!

You know, you know this boogie is for real
Got so much Canned Heat in my heels
Gonna dance, gonna dance my blues away tonight
Whoooooooo!
You know, you know this boogie
This boogie is for real
Got so much Canned Heat
Canned Heat in my heels.
You know I'm gonna dance my blues away tonight

it neatly encapsulates everything im feeling. dancing all your cares away is... cathartic, for want of a better word. im really glad im heading to UK where there's just a huge abundance of clubs, i've got this sinking feeling that i'll need to continuously destress to stay sane. o_O

that sounded a bit sad, but it shouldnt be! haha ^^;

Stikfas, STADA teambuilding of A*Star Predep Course

2004-07-05T16:22:00.000+01:00

[nothing in particular]

was in the new Orchard Point OG Toys Dept - im really a budding toyologist, ask me if you ever need to buy toys for ~~sub-teens~~ pre-teens for bdaes, xmas, whatever, i try to keep up with the latest trends - stumbled across Stikfas (TM) figures going cheap.

for the unintiated, Stikfas is/was actually a local product from a small little startup that won many prizes at a toy fair (best design, etc), and toy giant Hasbro bought the product and the rights and now manufactures and distributes the toys. (that was more or less what i remember from a Sunday Plus article quote a while ago) it's basically a self-assembled super-poseable figure with tons of accessories. so basically they come in various 'flavours': the male figures are called alpha males, and they have super hero, super villain, kung fu monk, military man, among others; the female ones are beta females and the one i know of is a tomb-raider themed one. it's really simple - the figures are faceless and basically featureless. kinda like those artists' wooden body dummies. but there are a TON, literally, of themed accessories for the figure to hold/use that come with the figurine, and generally it just lets your imagination run wild.

however i do feel that it's a little out of place next to transformers (more on that later) and other action toys: your average 10-year old really won't appreciate a faceless, super-poseable non-advertised figurine. their taste in toys just isnt sophisticated or developed enough yet to actually accept a concept-toy for more than what it is. to them, they want things they can identify with, the heroes and villains they see on TV. so it's not much of a surprise that they're going on sale.

that said, though, it's a real shame if Hasbro decides to cut their losses and stop this line altogether. we need more imaginative toys like this - all too often our heroes and heroines are prefabricated and come fleshed out with facial features, personality quirks and costumes from the writer. once in a while we need something to stir up our imagination again.

had the first day of the pre-dep course today. quite fun, learnt a lot of things about myself and leadership + made many new frens along the way. if u happen to be reading this - HI!!!

Katy Rose - Overdrive

Out of bed at the crack of noon
Blare the music and have a swoon
I can’t stop thinking of your face
La la lee la lee loo lace
I’m six feet under the Bhodi tree
With my crap new-age philosophy
Diamonds where there once were stars
I’m sitting in Jayne Mansfield’s car

Yeah yeah I’m independence
Yeah yeah I’m borderline
Yeah yeah I’m California
My minds all screwed and upside down
But my hearts on overdrive
Yeah my hearts on overdrive

I need to take a shower when I look at you
You sting and hurt like a bad tattoo
I wish you’d change my point of view
I cruise the canyon to get some breeze
With hidden treasures up my sleeve
I like the light and hate the heat
But I’ll lick the blood right off your street

Yeah yeah I’m cherry cola
Yeah yeah I’m Candy-eyed
Yeah yeah I’m California
My minds all screwed and upside down
But my hearts on overdrive

They all come here to find a scene
But end up girls on Methedrine
Naked on a TV screen
The dreams that fall beneath my feet
Make my footsteps feel so sweet
But your kisses are my fait accompli

Yeah yeah I’m independence
Yeah yeah I’m borderline
Yeah yeah I’m California
My minds all screwed and upside down
But my hearts on overdrive
Yeah my hearts on overdrive

yup it's teen-ish rock-pop. but it's good, despite the subject matter, the song is really quite intelligent in terms of lyrics and imagery. not sure who wrote the song, though.

stumbled across Guru's Jazzmatazz Vol 3 - Streetsoul recently. it's a seamless blend of hip-hop, jazz and soul from 2000, with the biggest names in the industry collaborating on virtually every track, from Kelis to Erykah Badu to Craig David! neat stuff. worth checking out.

futon cd!

2004-06-24T14:17:00.000+01:00

[fated]

despite the really angsty and foreboding title, i must hasten to qualify that i was really struck by the whole fated-ness of sthg that happened to me that i just have to title the post that..

was passing by citylink HMV when i suddenly had a strong feeling that i should go in and look for the Futon CD (the band is Futon, not the Futon, just to clarify a bit) - titled "Never Mind the Botox" - that i'd been searching for since late last year on. so i scour the shelves looking for it.. went thru the entire pop/rock section and din find it. but i eventually found it tucked away in an obscure corner of the dance music section right next to the hip hop / r&b section. it was the last copy too! words just can't describe how i felt - if you can mix equal parts of elation, release and feeling completely at ease together maybe you can approximate it.

anyway Futon is absolutely fabulous.. realise i've been gushing about many bands in the past few posts, but they really are deserving. futon has an attitude - like zircon gov pawnstarz, only less political and more hedonistic (if you can imagine anything more hedonistic than ZGPS!) for those who have had the privilege of hearing both tiramisu and ZGPS, they ARE a sort of lovechild between the two.. elements of rock, dance, punk, everything. well maybe not so much punk as in punk, but punk as in attitude. Futon is played regularly on our airwaves - particularly the single "Bangkok Chemist" and their cover of The Stooges' "I Wanna Be Your Dog". but you know i REALLY REALLY cant get "Gay Boy" (I wanna be a gay boy/ And all fun and play boy/ Look at my tight top/ Fake tan and short crop) out of my head now.. Samples and lyrics here: http://www.rehabisfab.com/eng/head/RIFtracks.html good stuff.

in other news, i never thought i'd ever experience it, but i finally hit a stage that can only be described as 'corn jamming': the corn equivalent of a musical jam session where the whole is truly greater than the sum of its parts. everything comes fast and furious and it synergizes into a single entity.. i never thought i'd reach that level. go, me! =P

Perry Como - Papa Loves Mambo
from the Ocean's Eleven OST

Papa loves mambo
Mama loves mambo
Look at 'em sway with it, gettin' so gay with it
Shoutin' "ol" with it, wow! (ooh!)

Papa loves mambo
(Papa loves mambo)
Mama loves mambo
(Mama loves mambo)
Papa does great with it, swings like a gate with it
Evens his weight with it, now!

He goes to, she goes fro
He goes fast, she goes slow
He goes left 'n' she goes right
(Papa's lookin' for mama but mama is nowhere in sight)

Papa loves mambo
Mama loves mambo
Havin' their fling again, younger than Spring again
Feelin' that zing again, wow! (ooh!)

Papa loves mambo
(Papa loves mambo)
Mama loves mambo
(Mama loves mambo)
Don't let her rumba and don't let her samba
'cause papa loves mama tonight (ooh!)

(Papa loves mambo)
(Mama loves mambo)

(Papa loves mambo)
(Mama loves mambo)

He goes to, she goes fro
He goes fast, she goes slow
He goes left 'n' she goes right
(Papa's lookin' for mama but mama is nowhere in sight) (ooh!)

Papa loves mambo
(Papa loves mambo)
Mama loves mambo
(Mama loves mambo)
Havin' their fling again, younger than Spring again
Feelin' that zing again, wow! (ooh!)

(Papa loves mambo)
Mambo papa
(Mama loves mambo)
Mambo mama
(Don't let her rumba and don't let her samba)
'cause papa--
Loves a mambo tonight

(ooh!)

been broadening my musical horizons again (not that they were narrow to begin with, but that's very bhb on my part), as you can see!

also: zircon gov pawnstarz finally get featured in 8 days' fashion section. what i can say is that x'ho just doesnt look like his usual self (perhaps the point was that this was his alter ego), and yeow overdid the eyeliner. but other than that i guess it's a sign that they've finally made it, to be able to be featured in 8 days.. (it's truly ironic, but then again what isn't these days? everything has to be taken firmly tongue-in-cheek. which is an oxymoron in itself.)

just realised my blog hit the 2 yr mark.. time to whip out the candles and cake!

IBN attachment ups & downs, airfare

2004-06-16T13:43:00.000+01:00

[*boing boing* (TM)']

' *biong biong* copyrighted by peiling (PP). no, that's not a typo.

i must've said this at some point over the last couple of posts: i feel like im on a rollercoaster. to cut a needlessly long, boring and pointless story short, every few days i discover something that i overlooked previously that threatens to nullify my entire project. nullify as in, renders it unworkable. and i'm always a hair's breadth away from disaster (that's 100 microns on average, if you're counting), bumming around on major low-moods for about a day or two til i stumble across some haphazard workaround. then everything's peachy. i don't know how much more disaster-turnaround scenarios i can take before my mind snaps, it's fast becoming a regular occurrence. that's not really very healthy.

i've also recently discovered how expensive air travel is. the advertised return fare on CX from Singapore (SIN) to London Heathrow (LHR), stopping over in Hong Kong (HKG), is SGD$1099. but the catch is i can't get reimbursed for the tix if i purchase a return ticket, for my 'to' trip anyway, so i need a one-way ticket. so i click through to Cathay's online website. the fare for the same flight is SGD$1953, and that's on economy restricted. 'full' economy (if there ever can be such a thing) is SGD$4685. interestingly enough that's more than half of first class - SGD$8819. ouch! i can only get reimbursed SGD$2000, so if i can't get economy restricted then i need to start dipping into savings. how on earth can a return ticket be less than half the price of a one way ticket AND still include a 2D/1N hotel stay in HK?? to save money i'll prob wind up taking a ship to the UK. or sealing myself up in a cargo box and FedExing myself over. then again, given the recent delivery fiasco i've been embroiled in, i might not end up there alive and kicking..

Dashboard Confessional - As Lovers Go
From the Shrek 2 OST

She said "i've gotta be honest,
You're wasting your time if you're fishing round here."
And i said "you must be mistaken,
Cause i'm not fooling...this feeling is real"
She said...she said "you gotta be crazy,
What do you take me for? Some kind of easy mark?
" No, you've got wits, you've got looks,
You've got passion, but I swear that you've got me all wrong."

All wrong.
All wrong.
But you got me...

I'll be true, i'll be useful...
I'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
And i'll belong to you...
If you'll just let me through.
This is easy as lovers go,
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
And this is wonderful as loving goes,
This is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

And i said "i've gotta be honest
I've been waiting for you all my life."
For so long i thought i was asylum bound,
But just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane,
I fear i'll go crazy if you leave my side.
You've got wits...you've got looks,
You've got passion but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?

Tonight.
Tonight.
But you've got me...

I'll be true, i'll be useful...
I'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
And i'll belong to you...
If you'll just let me through.
This is easy as lovers go,
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
And this is wonderful as loving goes,
This is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?
This is easy as lovers go,
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
And this is wonderful as loving goes,
This is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

tired. just so tired of everything. maybe im just not meant to be confident. whatever i've built up over the weeks (it's a recent phenomenon, possibly related to the civilian conversion course) just breaks and shatters when given the slightest push.

inexplicably, i also feel really bad now for being such a rotten friend. to be honest, nothing in particular has triggered this, so it's not a guilty conscience: rather a dawning realisation that im not doing enough for my friends. whenever there's a crisis, or what's really eating them, i just don't know. maybe it's because im too caught up in my own stuff to pay any attention. i just don't feel like a true friend, and that makes me feel horrible. i'm so very sorry.

ORD! & wisdom tooth extraction

2004-06-11T16:59:00.000+01:00

[2.5 years in the making]

i meant to do a proper long post on this, but considering that i've blogged so many long posts in the past few weeks its time to take a break - a long and well-deserved one, I might add.

when you first enlist it's as though you'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel. but you acclimatize quickly and then all of a sudden you realize that you don't really miss civilian life all that much; it's not all it's cracked up to be. (either that, or i hadn't really started all the hedonistic stuff that i now do!) you go through thick and thin, rain and sun, all sorts of unimaginable crap (for want of a better word), and find that you develop bonds forged in blood, sweat and tears with those who have weathered the storm with you, for better or for worse. then the time comes when you have to leave - and it's hard to leave all those you've been through so much with together. to all those who i have had the privilege of serving with, thanks for bearing with me. i salute you, from the bottom of my heart. ^^;

but i still look really weird in my pink IC. do we get to update the photo? i so do not look like that anymore.

also wound up having my wisdom teeth extracted.. so now im only half as smart as i was before. *sigh* had it done at NUH, which is a teaching hospital.. so there were like 5 final-year dentistry students in the room watching the procedure. how can i mind, i'll be doing that myself in a couple of years' time.. did i mention eye candy? but i digress. i really really miss solid food now. you know the conventional wisdom (ho ho unintentional!): you never miss something until you lose it. it's all my chips and fried stuff, mostly ^^;

The Streets - Fit But You Know It

'Scuse me girl, I know it's a bit embarrasin',
But I just noticed some tan lines on your shirt there...

See I reckon you're about an 8 or a 9,
Maybe even 9 and a half in four beers time.
That blue top shop top you've got on IS nice,
Bit too much fake tan though - but yeah you score high.

But theres just one little thing that's really really,
Really really annoying me about you, you see,
Yeah yeah like I said you are really fit
But my gosh don't you just know it.

I'm not trying to pull you
Even though I would like to
I think you are really fit
You're fit but my gosh dont you know it.

So when I looked at you standing there with your hoard,
I was waiting in the queue looking at the board
Wondering whether to have a burger or chips
Or what the shrapnel in my back pocket could afford
When I noticed out the corner of my eye
Looking toward my direction
Your eyes locked on my course.
I couldn't concentrate on what I wanted to order,
Which lost me my place in the queue I waited for, YEAH.

I'm not trying to pull you
Even though I would like to
I think you are really fit
You're fit but my gosh dont you know it

Whoa!
(Background: Leave it out)
Are you smoking crack or something?
Mike, just leave it, just leave it.
We cannot have that behaviour in this establishment.
S'not worth it Mike, just leave it.
Dont Touch Me! S'not Worth It!
Dont Touch Me, Don'.. I'm Alright, Dont Touch Me.

For a while there I was thinkin' - yeah but what if?
Picturin' myself pullin' with bare white hot wit
Snarin' you as you were standing there opposite
Whether or not you knew it I swear you didn't tick
And when that bloke in the white behind us lot queuing
Was clockin' onto you too yeah I had to admit
That yeah yeah you are fit,
And yeah I do want it,
But I stopped sharkin' for a minute to get chips and drinks.

I'm not trying to pull you
Even though I would like to
I think you are really fit
You're fit but my gosh dont you know it.

Now I bashed my head hard earlier due to the brew,
But I am digressing slightly so I'll continue.
I didn't wanna bowl over or gaze around rude
Not rude like good but just rude like uncouth,
You girls think you can just flirt and it comes to you
Well let me tell you, see, Yes Yes you are really rude,
And rude as in good, I knew this as you stood and queued
But I just did not want to give the satisfaction to you.

I'm not trying to pull you
Even though I would like to
I think you are really fit
You're fit but my gosh dont you know it.

Oy, just as you started to make your big advance
With the milkshake and that little doughnut in hand
I was like nah, I can't, even though you look grand
But you look sharp there smilin' hard suggesting and
Gleaming away with your hearty hearty lookin' tan
But I admit the next bit was spanner to my plan
You walked towards my path but you just brushed right past
And into the arms of that ****in' white shirted man

I'm not trying to pull you
Even though I would like to
I think you are really fit
You're fit but my gosh dont you know it.

Oh what do I give a ****, I've got a girlfriend anyway
(whoa, we've all had a drink mate)
We're all a bit drunk, yeah we've had a few, fair play,
I got this stella I bombed from that last cafe
This night's not even begun, yes yes oh yay.

I did fancy you a bit though yeah I must say
I would rather I hadnt mugged myself on display
But this is just another case of female stop-and-play
In an otherwise total result of a holiday.

I'm not trying to pull you
Even though I would like to
I think you are really fit
You're fit But my gosh dont you know it.

You're fit but you know it (3x)
I think I'm going to fall over
I think I'm going to fall o.., ****in 'ell.

The Streets - one man, Mike Skinner, really, despite the name! - is absolutely wonderful. His first album, Original Pirate Material, was released to great critical acclaim. This is from his second album, A Grand Don't Come for Free, which is actually a concept album: it tells a story of how he loses a grand (pounds, so that's gotta hurt) on a day where everything goes horribly wrong, then how he meets this girl and everything looks up, then they have a fight (Dry Your Eyes, perhaps my favourite on the album) then .. the ending (don't wanna give anything away). It's like.. a very british brand of hip-hop, only slower and ridiculously funny to boot, if you actually listen to the lyrics. *bliss*

UPDATE: i've found a more accurate source for the lyrics and put it in instead. you'll notice the song is actually more (mildly) R-rated than the earlier version of the lyrics suggested. here's an album review of A Grand Don't Come for Free.. with track-by-track plot summaries. haha!

quotations quotations quotations

2004-06-10T14:21:00.000+01:00

[always when you dont need it]

ive spent the past few weeks of my life searching high and low for quotations. quotations for all sorts of stuff i need for my project(s). and since i have absolutely no idea which of the Big Pharma companies have set up local offshoots on our fair isle and which companies are being distributed by whom, it's been pretty much a wild goose chase. did i mention that the yellow pages are no help either? all they have is a measly 'chemicals' section. and that encompasses just about everything from industrial-strength pipe cleaner to commercial plastic. someone should really overhaul the yellow pages and make it something that people will really use. how can we ever mature into a proper scientific nation if the phone book lumps all the science-related and industrial companies lock stock barrel into a PKL 'Chemicals' heading?!!

it's really mind-boggling, the kinds of stuff you have to wade through on google before you find people that actually sell what you want. and let's not go into the whole process of *getting* quotations. chances are if the site has online shopping, you can forget about them replying to your request for a quotation. i've emailed and faxed hundreds of letters requesting for quotes, many sent on the home fax at mine own expense, and NONE come back. the response rate for faxes still stands at a phenomenal 0%. emails.. well i've had some success over the last couple of days. which brings me to my next point.

today i FINALLY settle all the quotations and purchase requisitions. this is a long and complicated process involving a lot of complicated data entry and repetition, cursing, swearing, followed by rapid mouse clicking, squinting at the screen, before calling somebody for help. i always thought well of SAP (the software company).. until now. today, i finally realise how evil, counter-intuitive and downright user-unfriendly enterprise software is. why can't anybody devise a proper purchase requisition system that people can actually use? not to mention the fact that the people who really need the stuff don't have the time to wade through the system and its goodness-knows how many levels of alerts and errors. they actually get other people to key it in for them - and sadly the other people don't always know the full details of the purchase (say - why this product is needed, why not the lowest quote, why there aren't 3 quotes, etc). thankfully im doing mine own, so if i don't know the answers to the a/m questions i only have myself to blame. not to mention all the trouble i went to to get competitive quotes for the same items - the 3 quotes rule.

so it's only AFTER i settle all the quotations and purchase requisitions (a process that took up virtually all of today) that another 2 - 3 quotes come streaming in by email. (one company was nice enough to offer me a sample of what i wanted - that's genuinely nice of them, considering that they aren't even based here, i was talking to the head office in Mumbai; the second says what i want only comes as part of a kit and they would like to call me with regards to the request; another's still being held up because the local distributor is awaiting pricing instructions from the head office in the states) i don't really know what to say..

PC show & Public Tpt 101, replaced thumbdrive, setup gmail

2004-06-06T13:37:00.000+01:00

[My Little Big Adventure]

ever since i started work, seems like all i ever do on weekends/offdays is go gallivanting all around our merry little island - a far cry from what i used to do. maybe it's a sign that i'm finally growing up. or that i just can't be bothered to just idle around at home - especially given the hours im working these days, though on second thought that's probably not surprising to those who know me [and my style of working!]. which incidentally leads me to the question that PP posed recently - what is it about [me] that makes me gravitate towards working in high-stress environments (or something like that).. but truth be told, i don't choose these places, they choose me! *bhb* nah, really, i think its coincidental, plus im kinda high-strung myself so when you put two and two together, the whole winds up being more than the sum of its parts.. anyway im trying to become more laid-back, to take things easily and as they come. by necessity, though, that also entails becoming more confident, which may not necessarily be what i want.

so today i had the practical of Public Transport 101 trying to get to, but mainly from, the PC Show at Expo. met a lot of people there as usual (hello!), most of whom were working part-time, and hence can land better deals on equipment ^^; (what are friends for, right.. =P ) but didn't really buy anything other than ink refills for my printer, since i'm not exactly leaving yet, and the prime rule of technology always applies - if you don't need it now, you can always pick up a newer, faster, better, cheaper model a few months down the road. i wasn't expecting any laptops at the show to meet my stringent (as always) future-proof criteria - fast Intel processor, 80GB HDD, 512MB RAM (must upgrade to 1GB), 128MB dedicated mobile graphics card, DVD-ROM/CDRW drive, etc - but there were! the prices were astronomical, of course, to match those specs. but im sure by the time i leave the price will normalise somewhat.

so my dad decided to impulse-buy a HDD/DVD recorder to replace the VCR for taping shows and stuff, and that wasn't exactly a good idea because the box was HUGE and from noon onwards the entire exhibition hall was a thick, viscous mass of people trying, with varying degrees of success, to shuffle in their intended direction of motion. boxes and tiny luggage trolleys (mode of transport of choice, helpfully provided by printer vendors to assuage people that their printers are portable via whatever public transport they choose to take) just get into the way of elbows, faces, shoulders and the like.. sorta like one of those "living experiments" that are the rage these days, on brownian motion. *jostle* *squeeze* sorry! excuse me! *shove* *squish*

if the hall itself was bad, the queues at the eating places were far worse. when i arrived at 1130, fresh out of bed and hungry, the queue at the Expo BK stretched just past the glass doors and took half an hour to hit the head of the queue. not to mention the fact that the service was slow (i dont blame them, mind, anybody doing a $5-an-hour job would be intimidated by the unending hordes of ravenous shoppers, straight out of some zombie B-movie) and i didn't get to have what i wanted because it was either sold out or "there was something wrong with the french fry machine". needless to say i was sorry i didn't have a full meal while i had the chance, because when we came out again at 1400 hoping to beat the lunch crowds, the queues were thrice as long as before. we hightailed it out of there are hopped on a bus to bedok food centre to eat (yes, opposite TJ.. and im sorry to say this but it does look rather run down from the main road). the japanese food stall there's pretty good, far better than yoshinoya. *stamp of approval* if you're keeping count, thats the warm-up exercise to the practical part of Public Transport 101.

on the way back from bedok, we passed something like a km-long tailback of cars all trying to turn into the Expo carpark. i don't know how many of them finally made it in (my guess is not much), but my dad wound up parking at Changi General Hospital, near Simei station. and yes he's as clueless about public transport as i am. =\ so he took a cab down to Expo. but taking a cab *out* of Expo necessitates a $2 surcharge. so we decided to take the train down to simei (insert tale of struggling to get a ticket deposit refund out of the single-use-ticket dispenser), and finding no shuttle bus from the MRT station, proceeded to take 38 to CGH. which was a horrific mistake, and 5 stops later, in some remote part of tampines, after asking directions from the 38 bus driver, passengers, a condo security guard and waiting at the opposite bus stop for bus 9, we eventually flagged down a cab, and - to our horror - sped down the very same road we had came, past Simei station for another 500m before we emerged at CGH. ^^; that's cutting a long story short, but if you add in struggling with a box half your size.. this almost ranks up there with the time i took the east/west train to kallang when i intended to take it to jurong east (sorry pris!)

in unrelated news, my 256MB thumbdrive mysteriously died on me in the commute between work and home - aka it was working fine when i took it out of the work computer, but it was dead by the time i plugged it in at home, leading to a lot of ranting and raving (well, mostly ranting). it was 6 months into its 2 yr warranty, and luckily both the local distributor and the taiwanese HQ were prompt and helpful with their email replies; managed to get it replaced with a spanking new one off-the-shelf after they determined that they couldn't coax it back to life again. that went on far more smoothly than expected, and im a happy bunny now.. ^^;

also finally decided on my gmail nick. you can now email me at floetry at gmail.com. probably won't integrate the new contact info into the layout of the site - that's a long story. it's not as though im uncomfortable with CSS and stuff (i'm not [uncomfortable]), it's just that im too much of a perfectionist that it's gonna take way too much effort and more time than i have on my hands to really revamp the thing. not to mention that many people don't want me to link to their private blogs. so if i've said it once, i'll say it again, im really sorry i don't link to anyone on this blog.. but if you go back deep enough in the archives i provided a post with the links. ^^;

wow that was a long post. i had a lot to say! anyway i totally adore the Shrek 2 OST now, the good songs on the OST are really good, though the bad ones are downright irritating (for one, i don't like all the Fairy Godmother songs). ranks up there with Baz Luhrmann's R+J OST.

Counting Crows - Accidentally in Love
from the Shrek 2 OST

So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love (love)
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love

Come on, come on
Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Cause everybody's after love

So I said I'm a snowball running
Running down into the spring that's coming all this love
Melting under blue skies
Belting out sunlight
Shimmering love

Well baby I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well I didn't mean to do it
But there's no escaping your love

These lines of lightning
Mean we're never alone,
Never alone, no, no

Come on, Come on
Move a little closer
Come on, Come on
I want to hear you whisper
Come on, Come on
Settle down inside my love

Come on, come on
Jump a little higher
Come on, come on
If you feel a little lighter
Come on, come on
We were once
Upon a time in love

We're accidentally in love
Accidentally in love (x7)

Accidentally

I'm In Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
Accidentally (X 2)

Come on, come on
Spin a little tighter
Come on, come on
And the world's a little brighter
Come on, come on
Just get yourself inside her

Love ...I'm in love

sometimes the more you run away from something the more it just keeps coming back, whether you like it or not. just like (*sigh*) public transport. its not true that i don't take it at all. just not often enough to constitute an easy familiarity with the system, especially buses, since i no longer refer to the bus guide. heck, most of my friends drive whereever they wanna go, though when it comes to expo the car should either be left at home or parked somewhere really far away. whatever it is, ive decided that i need to lug the pocket mighty minds around with me when i go out, it's not just for drivers anymore.

(my sixth sense of navigation works a lot better when i have a map to recognise telltale landmarks and orientate...)

on radio now: Morcheeba's "What New York Couples Fight About". haven't heard that in a long while, it's just as good as the first time i heard it. respect. ^^; also cool: Nick Holder & Gemini - "No More Dating DJs". wicked tongue-in-cheek look at DJ culture..

2.1 speakers, X21 + RAM, fencing golds

2004-05-30T13:57:00.000+01:00

[doing my bit for the nation]

just realised that i've spent a LOT in the past 48 hours. not exactly a spending spree, but not hitting the major sales either. bought a set of cambridge soundworks Slim Optical 2.1 speakers from the Creative warehouse sale at $50.. a real steal if you ask me. set it up a couple of hours ago and the sound totally *rocks*. can take analog input from my discman-radio and optical input from MD / extigy. then again, to quote YJ, anything is better than unpowered speakers. then: 0.2W x 2. now: 6W x 2 + 17W subwoofer. ^^; now joss stone and gilles peterson just completely blow me away! (literally!)

sometime later last night / this morning, decided that i would be using a lot of my IBM X21 during the attachment period - not using the laptop there, mind, but working at home - and that the original 128MB of RAM just wasn't enough for me to keep multiple apps running at the same time (which i am notorious for doing, even when on the phone). so off i went to sim lim and discovered, much to my horror, that the online price guide of $90 for a 128MB RAM chip was nowhere near the $120 i was quoted in real life. the shop people just laughed (well, nicely, if that's possible) and said that they have no idea where the hardwarezone prices come from. there ARE shops listed together with the price they give at hardwarezone but i was in a rush and didnt feel the necessity to prove my point, so $120 it was. at least my computer is multitasking much better now!

finally got myself a wrist rest.. hopefully that'll put an end to my fears of developing carpal tunnel. and for the umpteenth time, NO, i cannot "discuss the carpal tunnel [and its structure]". i am so dead when term starts. no time to even study, once i come back from work i need to complete some more work that i didnt finish / couldnt finish.. haiz.

also picked up yeow's CD, This Generation, at the Zircon Gov Pawnstarz gig yesterday for $15 (cheap!) at the merchandise counter. din feel the need to grab a ZGPS t-shirt with the warped crest and all, i just don't feel goth or punk enough to wear that. yet.

in unrelated news, the national fencing team did well in a regional FIE-related event (skimpy details in the newspaper, and i cant find any info online, honestly) .. women's foil and men's epee (woo hoo!) brought back the gold, beating japan and vietnam respectively, while men's sabre came in bronze. which is quizzical if you ask me, since i always figured that our sabre teams were better. *shrug*

looking good.. here's hoping it'll last. ^^;

[Tiramisu + Zircon Gov Pawnstarz GIG!!] / Electroclash Theory

2004-05-29T21:25:00.000+01:00

[Don't smoke cigarettes / Don't take any drugs / Don't go out at night / Just ....]

whoa. the Tiramisu + Zircon Gov Pawnstarz (ZGPS) gig totally RAWKED!! Tiramisu was awesome. i distinctly remember saying "with a name like that how could they possibly be bad?" ^^; in any case they're a lot more rock than ZGPS is, in a very melodic-dancey and head-bangy kinda way. to quote calvin, heavy influences from U2 and Joy Division. they certainly have the talent, although their stage presence cannot compare to ZGPS (yet). Tiramisu are recording their debut album now, and that's definitely something to look forward to in the near future. (not to mention make my wallet another $20 lighter)

ZGPS live was even better than in the album, maybe it was the spontaneity or the sound system, i can't quite put my finger on it. their style can best be described as punk-electroclash.. (apologies to those i've tried to define their music style to previously) and when i found the same people headbanging to both the more-rock Tiramisu and the more-dance/electro ZGPS, it suddenly dawned on me that perhaps the reason why electroclash is more accessible (and therefore popular, though others may beg to differ) is because it combines elements of 80's pop, the dark undertones of goth (stereotypically anyway), the riffs of rock - in itself wildly popular, the attitude of punk and the beats of modern dance (mostly house i think), each of which already has an established fan base. If anybody needs to write a paper on electroclash, don't forget to acknowledge me ^^;

ZGPS' stage presence was undeniable.. and unmistakable. mostly because all 3 are seasoned performers in their own right, and it shows. the part where X'Ho and Sue-Sue Law exchanged dialogue in thai and french over a song (forgot which already) was inspired, and special guest MC Sleepwalker was riotous on stage. but the best bit was the audience interaction over tom neville's "just ****".. which as you may have guessed, is the title of the post. it's always wonderfully reassuring to hear 1) something you're familiar with and 2) something you LIKE at an alien venue surrounded by many people you don't know (although some were cute ^^; ).. that said, though, calvin's familiar with the tune and not me..

the only bummer was the fact that the venue was about 1/3 - 1/2 full, though i guess that's more due to capacity of the place (i estimate it as 400) than any fault on Tiramisu or ZGPS' part. It's still a subculture - just like those breakdancers in the underpass between citylink and the esplanade - but it's growing. And unfortunately, as much as I wish it wasn't so, punk-electroclash is still less accessible to your average joe than downtempo (such as The Observatory). even i must admit that i play downtempo on my cd player more. =
can't remember the last time i had so much fun. The Observatory's playing a late-night gig at the same place (esplanade theatre studio) in early july, 2 nights performance.. let me know if you wanna go quick. I'm worried the tix might sell out.

Tom Neville - chorus from Just ****

Don't smoke cigarettes
Don't take any drugs
Dont' go out at night
Just ****
(repeat)

whee!

1000s may have nvCJD

2004-05-21T16:52:00.000+01:00

[Yahoo! News - Thousands may have human form of mad cow disease]

breaking news on yahoo. this ranks among my worst fears.. that said, though, its nothing terribly surprising considering how long the cannibalism of farm animals in the name of economic gain has been going on; someone just decided to crunch the numbers. it's timely, though, because the public (as always) needs an attention-grabbing headline to remind them of serious threats to their health in yesterday's news.

Flipside: Zircon Gov Pawnstarz

2004-05-20T17:17:00.000+01:00

[Zircon Gov Pawnstarz GIG!!!]

it's finally here.. the much-anticipated live gig. well, to be honest, i've missed the observatory's album-launch show at the Alliance Francaise (to my eternal regret) and zircon gov pawnstarz' album-launch show at zouk. sooooo.. $20 incl 1 drink, standing room only. Esplanade Theatre. Next Sat (29 May) 2100 - 2300 (but arrive >15 min early) im not going to miss them this time.. anybody who wants in, let me know ASAP. tix on sale now.

GHOST TOWN - Chernobyl Pictures

2004-05-15T18:15:00.000+01:00

[ghost town]

This is cool: GHOST TOWN - Chernobyl Pictures .. a ride through the dead zone around Chernobyl. kinda creepy, but in a nuclear-winter sorta way. makes all the old Z for Zachariah fears come back again..

[foot in mouth syndrome]

2004-05-15T14:41:00.000+01:00

[foot in mouth syndrome]

y_avatar (09:34 PM) :
eh? that's unpolitically correct you know..
y_avatar (09:34 PM) :
or should i say, politically incorrect..
y_avatar (09:34 PM) :
haha
y_avatar (09:34 PM) :
(oops)

[not for the easily offended]

2004-05-12T21:01:00.000+01:00

[not for the easily offended]

was introduced to this site - b3ta Question of the Week archives.. (thanks jun!) it's drop dead funny. we are such angels compared to what these people do! but it's really not for the easily offended.

Rated R for strong language, adult situations and ~~mischievous~~ MALICIOUS intent..

and it's a total time waster. i've spent over a day just going thru the "Best" submissions to each question.. you've been warned.

PS if you find my post looks a little funny, its because im now using the "title" field in the new blogger. does anybody still know where to sign up for the gmail beta? or is it closed liao? took too long to think of a nick (still haven't thought of it yet)..

2004-05-08T16:42:00.000+01:00

[priceless nugget of the day, pt 2]

... there are lots of reasons females might play the field, although we don't necessarily know the reasons in any given instance. Just in case you meet a girl on the prowl and you want to understand her motives, here's a checklist of possibilities:

She has run out of sperm

Her other lovers were sterile

Her other lovers had lousy genes

Her other lovers had incompatible genes

Her other lovers were ugly

She wants diversity in her children

She wants you for your food

She wants help raising her kids

She wants to enter your sperm in a competition

She wants to give herself or her eggs a selection of sperm to choose from

She wants to confuse everyone about who's the father

- Dr Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation: The Definitive Guide to the Evolutionary Biology of Sex, Olivia Judson

2004-05-07T17:09:00.000+01:00

[priceless nugget of the day]

You see, girls may say they want a kind, sensitive, devoted guy - that personality matters more than looks - but the truth is, in many species, females are body fascists. That's why as a rule it's the males that have ridiculously long tails or fancy headdresses - or eyes perched on the ends of long, stiff stalks.

- Dr Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation: The Definitive Guide to the Evolutionary Biology of Sex, Olivia Judson

2004-05-04T19:09:00.000+01:00

[Total Lunar Eclipse]

hey theres gonna be a total lunar eclipse tonite, it more or less starts around 0352 but the total eclipse starts around 0430. the moon will set before the thing is over! insomniacs.. anybody reading this now.. stay up and watch the eclipse! ^ ^;

2004-05-02T17:03:00.000+01:00

[cogito ergo sum]

i think, therefore i am. but i think too much. i read too much into trivial matters. i attach too much symbolic meaning to what others interpret as normal, not earth-shattering, events. and i don't ever get anything done. so if i think too much, does it mean that i am too "me" for my own good?

NB - for the life of me i can't tell if its cogito or cognito. both seem valid.. although i always remember the phrase as the former, while the latter aids comprehension. any idea which is the real deal?

Faithless ft Dido - Dub Be Good To Me

Here comes the music
hit maker from jamaica
Sweet like candy
Hit me now

Baby girl

Just be good to me
Just be good to me
Just be good to me
Just be good to me
Just be good to me
Just be good to me
Just be good to me
Just be good to me
Just be good to me

(Rap By Maxi Jazz)

Friends tell me I am crazy
That I'm wasting time with you
You'll never be mine
That's not the way i see it
'Cos I feel already fine
Whenever you're with me

People always talk about
Reputations
Well I don't care
about your other girls
Just be good to me
Friends are always telling me
That we're using
I dont care what you do with them
Just be good to me
I don't care what you do with them
Just be good to me
Just be good to me
Just be good to me

feeling retro... modern-retro. the original Dub Be Good to Me was by Beats International - Norman Cook @ Fatboy Slim & Lindy Layton - was #1 for 4 weeks in 1990 and spent 13 weeks on the charts. but i must say that the faithless ft Dido cover gives it a whole new lease of life.. which is the whole point of reinventing old songs. whipping out my verve remixed (vol 2), joss stone and lisa ono records. wo0!

in an unrelated note, i realise that i have spent a small fortune at hmv heeren recently, and it's mainly on local, if not regional, artistes. as Paul Zach recently remarked in his saturday music column, most of the best CDs of 2004 have been released already, and 2 of them are local acts: X'Ho's Zircon Gov Pawnstars & Leslie Low's the Observatory. wonderful stuff.. though i must add that i've been waiting for the commercial release of these albums with bated breath since late last year til NOW. still..

2004-04-29T14:58:00.000+01:00

[sylvia]

just caught the movie Sylvia about the eponymous poet Sylvia Plath (she of The Bell Jar fame, and poet of choice for many angsty intelligent girls). interestingly enough the film opens in cam where she, on a fulbright scholarship (!!!) meets ted hughes, and then traces her life through initial euphoria to writer's block to severe depression to failed marraige to her eventual suicide.

it doesn't really offer any insight into her (or ted hughes') literary genius - the main criticism levelled at it by 8 days - but there are tantalising glimpses of how they just *clicked*, and at such a high level.. if not for the subtitles i wouldn't have been able to make out some of the english words, it was that fast. to paraphrase from the show, poets are like shamans.. but they're really like postdocs researching the english language. i can't even begin to elaborate what the implications of this are, because i've seen people with such intensity and passion working in science, and this is just the literary equivalent. *epiphany* there's really no dichotomy between the arts and the sciences.. (sudden revelation into the subject du jour - dont ask me, this is the topic in vogue now)

anyway, the other main reason why it's a good movie is because it illustrates the fragility of a relationship between two highly intelligent individuals working in the same field. although the film is called Sylvia, it's really about the relationship between her and ted hughes - the intellectual connection, the intense competition, the romantic love, the feelings of hurt and betrayal. i've never seen it captured so beautifully - gweneth paltrow is wonderful as sylvia plath - or so poetically. and the competition can be so draining: on one hand you want the other party to suceed, yet your own career is languishing. they're both really talented - that makes the competition all the more intense. it's really very much a love/hate relationship.

i also never really factored how kids can shelve their mothers' careers. its more of a sideline in the film, her kids, but there was this one scene where she was trying to write and her babies were just bawling away in the cot next to her table.. you know you always instinctively *know* that it's hard to balance work and kids, but this was quite a graphic (and literal) depiction.

that said, it's NOT a mother's day movie (it ends with a suicide, for crying out loud), DON'T bring your mothers to see this.

2004-04-27T04:33:00.000+01:00

[Derelict London]

am trying to blog more by installing the BlogThis! extension into my Mozilla Firefox browser.. so its just a matter of right clicking and i can blog straightaway.

anyway - stumbled across the Derelict London site.. admittedly its not as polished as another photo-odyssey through the disused buildings of the american northeast.. but i forgot the URL for the latter. heh. wait wait i found it. New England Ruins.. its absolutely stunning. and bleak, depending on your point of view..

2004-04-17T20:14:00.000+01:00

[ ! ]

from the Cambridge University Modern Penthalon Club page:

Modern Pentathlon is derived from Napoleonic France, when the French armies quested to create the perfect soldier. It is comprised of ridng, running, swimming, shooting and fencing - those sports in which the French gentleman soldier was supposed to be proficient at.

Nowadays, all are encouraged to participate in the Modern Pentathlon, for, as Baron Pierre de Coubertain (founder of the Modern Olympic Games) put it, it "determines the most complete athlete".

OMG.

decisions, decisions...

2004-04-17T17:59:00.000+01:00

[ (tenuous) new direction ]

sometimes im so moody i think i have pms. but that cant really be true, since it doesn't come in 28 day cycles (give or take a bit, you know i haven't even hit physio yet). anyway, after much hermit-like deliberation, i have finally emerged with the faintest impression of what to do with myself! *flare of trumpets* well it's more of a vague "i think we should go thataway" hunch than a detailed map, but it's a start.

And, as the Cock crew, those who stood before
The Tavern shouted - "Open then the Door!"
You know how little while we have to stay,
And, once departed, may return no more.

Omar Khayyam
[Rubaiyat, III, trans. by Edward Fitzgerald (1st ed.)]

PS anybody who knows how to fiddle with cable modems, pls help me out. my com is acting screwy and i suspect it's got something to do with my NIC. just when i was about to plonk in front of my com 24/7... *mutter*

2004-04-15T17:43:00.000+01:00

[offline]

after one week of *not* being at home, the dreaded on/off connection is back again. DAMMIT! strongly suspect it's my NIC. no time to figure out whats wrong now, have more pressing matters at hand. goodness knows what i have to do to fix it. and it always happens just before im about to clear leave and plonk in front of my computer for extended periods. perfect timing, as always..

2004-04-12T20:15:00.000+01:00

[losing myself]

apologies to everybody who's left messages, net connection has been down for over a week or so, and im still not clear whether it's the main cable line at fault or whether it's my network interface card. probably a bit of both.. anyway ill get back to you guys soon, once i feel a bit more social again ^ ^;

civilian conversion course isnt going too well - too many paradoxes. too much time on my hands, yet too little time to do what i want, no, need to do.

realised that im nowhere nearer to being ready for uni than i was 2 1/2 years ago. even though i've grown, i've actually regressed in terms of mental and emotional maturity. repeating the same mistakes ad nauseum. despite my best efforts, i just can't be social. i just don't fit in. i now know why i make few friends; it's simply much easier to uproot and move on. i don't particularly feel tied down to any one place. and i feel so alone.

can't sleep, for reasons unknown to me. the bed is uncomfortable, the pillow too thin, and the blanket oppressive. i drift through the day in a semi-conscious state, sinking only when my eyes can hold no longer. it's a horrible feeling.

seeking solace in anime. strongly recommended: Boys Be - very bittersweet.

Liang Jing Ru (Fish Leong) - 听不到 (Ting Bu Dao)

听不到
曲：阿信 | 词：阿信

夜黑夜寂寞的夜里
气生气对自己生气
软弱的电话又打给你
想听你那边的空气
有什么精采的话题
你还是温柔给我婉转的距离

#我的声音在笑泪在飙
电话那头的你可知道
世界若是那么大
为何我要忘记你无处逃
我的声音在笑泪在飙
电话那头的你可知道
世界若是那么小
为何我的真心你听不到

会很会伪装我自己你不该背我的秘密
沉重都给我微笑给你奔狂奔空旷的感情
走暴走暴走的伤心透明的叹息最后
还是我的秘密

Chorus#

听不到听不到我的执着扑通扑通一直在跳
直到你有一天能够明了我做得到我做得到

you'll need to install the chinese lang pack if you see gibberish on your screen.. recently picked up the liang jing ru compilation cd and the observatory's Time of Rebirth. both strongly recommended.

2004-03-23T14:10:00.000Z

[running down the way up]

it's finally over, the proficiency test, my final exam. yet somehow there's no accompanying sense of release. it was almost too easy compared to what im accustomed to. never before have i taken shifts, never before have i had so much sleep in an exercise, never before have i felt as in the groove as i did when the pressure came. it's a feeling of measured control when all hell is breaking loose around you. it's a feeling that nothing could go wrong, a feeling of inner bliss, an almost zen-like state of being. i think im becoming a stress junkie, if i wasn't one already.

now that my raison d'etre is over, i feel strangely lost, cast adrift. if you're thinking its another one of those trying to find direction posts, you're right, it is. somehow i feel that i always need a new goal to aspire towards; without which i flail about aimlessly.

this time, though, i also feel that time is running out. 6 months and i'll be gone. 6 months to make the most of myself before i leave. i already have so many expectations of who - what - i should be, and i am content to just sit around and mope and not even move a muscle towards effecting the changes that will bring about what i expect of myself. it's always been this way, for as long as i have known myself - i just want to change, but don't actually go about doing it.

it's times like this that i see with perfect clarity what's wrong with my life, yet i can't muster the discipline to snap out of my inertia. and people wonder why i loathe myself so much.

but i digress. every time i try to grow up, i feel like i wind up being more childish. it's true that i've come a long way from what i was 2.5 years ago, but then again that's not saying much. i see people do it effortlessly, and i wonder what i am doing wrong.

forever searching for the place i can call home.

All Saints - Pure Shores

I've crossed deserts for miles
Swam water for time
Searching places to find
A piece of something to call mine
(I'm coming, I'm coming)
A piece of something to call mine
(I'm coming, coming closer to you)

Ran along many moors
Walked through many doors
The place where I wanna be
Is the place I can call mine
(I'm coming, I'm coming)
Is the place I can call mine
(I'm coming, coming closer to you)

Chorus
I'm moving, I'm coming
Can you hear what I hear?
It's calling you my dear
Out of reach
(Take me to my beach)
I can hear it calling you
I'm coming, not drowning
Swimming closer to you

ooh ooh

Never been here before
I'm intrigued, I'm unsure
I'm searching for more
I've got something that's all mine
I've got something that's all mine

Take me somewhere I can breathe
I've got so much to see
This is where I wanna be
In a place I can call mine
In a place I can call mine

Chorus

Moving, coming, can you hear
what I hear?
(Hear it out of reach)
I hear it calling you
Swimming closer to you

Many faces I have seen
Many places I have been
Walked the deserts, swam the shores
(coming closer to you)

Many faces I have known
Many ways in which I've grown
Moving closer on my own
(coming closer to you)

I'm moving, I feel it
I'm coming, not drowning
I'm moving, I feel it
I'm coming, not drowning

Chorus
(Take me to my beach)

Repeat to fade

PS. the observatory has finally released its debut album, Time of Rebirth. (wish i could say the same.. mooted the title for a while then dropped it since it wasnt appropriate.) they're having a live concert at the Alliance Francaise on friday 1930h. If anybody's interested, drop me a line.

2004-02-17T15:41:00.000Z

[21]

~yay.. im 21 today!

din really wanna celebrate. wasnt quite in the mood. but had a whale of a time thanks to my frens.. BIG UP to all of you!!

feeling older but not much wiser. somehow it just doesnt quite feel right. i realised that i cant quite remember my frens' birthdays.. *turns beet red* so theres a very small chance ill ever reciprocate..

picked up a copy of joss stone's soul sessions as my gift to myself. heh. she rocks, and her music's quite good to boot.

anyway, having some problems with my internet connection. on dialup now, ill post more (if i ever feel like it) some other time. =)

2004-01-26T15:23:00.000Z

[smalltalk]

nothing shows up your lack of social aptitude as much as chinese new year, what with all the inevitable visits by long-lost relatives you meet only once a year (if at all) and whom you wish would stay lost. thats a very pessimistic attitude, ill admit, that isnt reflective of my current state of mind. but its true that i dont quite get along well with.. hmm. many people, in fact.

this festive season, ive come to realise how bad my inability to make small talk actually is. theres only so many things you can talk about to feign interest, especially when theres no common ground. not even NS, theres only so much griping you can do, and it works only on males in the same age group. put it this way: how many people do you know who spend their visits fiddling with their mobile phone? in any case, ive finally completed prince of persia - far less levels than i had expected, but satisfying nonetheless, splinter cell extended ops (like the first one, only with more bells and whistles), prince of persia 2 (not a worthy successor), mini golf champ, and so on and so forth. my gprs data usage this month will be over the roof!

okay its time to admit i cant think of anything else to blog. honestly, this is more of a maintainence post, a monthly 'keep this site alive' kinda thing. i dont know how i found the time to blog this, and i certainly dont know how ill manage in the super busy months of feb and (most of) mar.

well, have a cheery year of the monkey ahead..

2003-12-28T11:42:00.000Z

[e last broadcast]

fri was the last ever instalment of x'ho's groovisions show on 99.5. it's e second time his shows have been axed.. passion 99.5 is closing for good on tue 30th dec. why? is the local music scene so dead?

its still downright difficult to find local albums. ive been searching for 3 for eons now - ger's on my own, zircon gov pawnstarz' Follywood and e Observatory's Time of Rebirth.. only TODAY, NOW, do i finally get my paws on the first (ger's on my own). hmv simply doesn't carry a wide selection of local music, and neither do all the small shops. it's just not commercially viable. my heart and spirit still lie with tower for daring to stock them.

feeling extremely disaffected now - there's just nothing to sustain my interest, nothing to look forward to, no challenge to work towards. not hurt nor injured. spent. spent, empty, goal-less. after a lifetime of exams (not that im going to see the end of exams for me anytime soon.. it's just a temporary respite) things are just so strange when you no longer have fixed, discernable goals and aims. i've lost my guiding light, and i need to find it again.

Doves - e Last Broadcast

I was thinking about what you said
I was thinking about shame
The funny thing how you said
Cause it's better not to stay
Sure enough if you feel nothing
You're better off this way
Gets to the point where you can't breathe
It's the last word
I can see it standing

So here we are
At the last broadcast
Here we are
Our last broadcast

Sun on faces made us feel alive
The colours of the sky
Southern trees, made us enemies
Who knows the reason why?
You can't escape yourself
You can't just fall away
It comes to the point when you feel nothing
This is the last time
Cause I can see it in your eyes

So here we are
At the last broadcast
Here we are
Our last broadcast

This is
The last broadcast
Here we are
Our last broadcast

special doublebill
dubstar - stars

Is it asking too much to be given time
to know these songs and to sing them
Is it asking too much of my vacant smile
and my laugh and lies that bring them

But as the stars are going out
and this stage is full of nothing
and the friends have all but gone
for my life my god I'm singing

We'll take our hearts outside
Leave our lives behind
I'll watch the stars go out

Is it asking too much of my favorite friends
to take these songs for real
Is it asking too much of my partner's hands
to take these songs real

Is it asking too much
Is it asking too much...

2003-12-24T18:06:00.000Z

[peace, love and joy]

after another year of waiting with bated breath, it's christmas all over again!

don't know why but i feel especially christmas-sy this year, been making gifts left right centre.. cute gifts, meaning ugly but (hopefully) endearing. (it also means im broke...) it's kind of like the baby blues christmas strip - the one where they realise, on xmas eve, that they forgot to post xmas cards. this year i didnt forget - i was just plain broke. not to mention lazy, i could have, but i had other things to do. honest!

and it's kind of strange that i feel this christmas-sy. it hasn't exactly been a great year for the world in general, what with sars, the war in iraq, and now, BSE in the states as well. on xmas eve, of all days.. it's not easy for me to say this so i don't say it in person, but i might as well say it here, i have a nasty feeling (nv)CJD ['human' mad cow disease] will claim me cos ive eaten too much beef when it was susceptible, where it was susceptible. i din know canada had a case in may (think it was the height of sars season then, could have been easily overlooked) and goodness knows how much canadian beef ive consumed.

given the kinds of things we do in modern agriculture its really not all that surprising that these weird diseases crop up to haunt us. i mean, forced cannibalism? anyway it leads in nicely to this link i recieved through email and am too lazy to forward: The Meatrix.. no, it's not that parody with kung-fu fighting cows.

that sounded quite daft didnt it?

can't help it. been thinking too much about passing on, and strangely enough im not feeling morbid or anything. you couldn't tell - im really happy and at peace with myself, everything.. no, it's mainly due to what ive been reading and seeing - i must admit i have a very lay response to return of the king (don't kill me!!!), by which i mean i think about it in terms of war, sacrifice, duty, etc. it's more of a broader perspective of war - how it affects you and the people around you, the people you love and so on - than the very psychologically introspective black hawk down, which tended to focus on the individual [combatant's] response to war. plus, i recieved mitch albom's the five people you meet in heaven for xmas and no prizes for guessing what that's about. i can only hope that ive touched peoples' lives in such ways.. it also brings the whole butterfly-effect thing into perspective by showing how seemingly small, random misdemeanours (e.g. dropping bottles off an overpass) can drastically affect peoples' lives.

but no, im still really cheery and stuff. not much in terms of presents this year, but plenty in terms of goodwill from the people who matter, and that's all i could ask for. (my lists are inevitably getting shorter and shorter, and no, theyre not increasing in monetary value either..) i dunno why i blogged so much about mortality. it doesnt really fit with the holiday.. but thats what you get when you blog stream-of-consciousness. no point editing. so much for the warm and fuzzy post.

merry xmas to you and your family, wherever you are. may we all have a better year to come. =>

PS. im currently raving over Tiny Mix Tapes. it's a really cool site, though i havent heard of 80% of the songs they feature..

PPS. i really really like this britney xmas song i heard on the radio. it's not cheesy like some of her other recent ... efforts (for want of a better word). it's this song... calista flockhart's cover of "santa baby" and michael buble's cover of "let it snow" that's stuck in my head this holiday season. let it snow let it snow let it snow!!

Britney Spears - My Only Wish (This Year)

Oh yeah yeah...
Last night I took a walk in the snow,
Couples holdin hands, places to go,
Seems like everyone but me is in love
Santa can you hear me?
I signed my letter that I sealed with kiss,
I sent it off, it just said this:
"I know exactly what I want this year"
Santa can you hear me?
I want my baby, baby
I want someone to love me, someone to hold,
Maybe Maybe,
He'll be all my own in a big red bow
Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing,
Tell me my true love is here
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here
Santa that's my only wish this year

Yeahh...
Christmas Eve, I just can't sleep
Would I be wrong for takin a peek
Cuz I heard that you're comin to town
Santa can you hear me?
I really hope that you're on your way
With something special for me in your sleigh
Oh please make my wish come true,
Santa can you hear me?
I want my baby, baby
I want someone to love me, someone to hold
Baby, baby, baby
We'll be all alone under the mistletoe
Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year,
All I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is here
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here
Santa that's my only wish this year

I hope my letter reaches you in time, (oh yeah)
Bring me love I can call all mine (oh yeah)
Cuz I have been so good this year, (oh oh)
Can't be alone under the mistletoe,
He's all I want in a big red bow

Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is near
He's all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here,
Santa that's my only wish this year
Ahh ahh ahh
Oh Santa, can you hear me...?
Oh Santa, well he's all I want
Just for me, underneath my Christmas tree
I'll be waiting here,
Santa that's my only wish this year
Santa that's my only wish this year

merry xmas. =)

2003-11-24T20:02:00.000Z

[hiberNation]

seems like an eternity since i last blogged. you know how it is - when youre busy you just don't have the time to blog. then things add up at a phenomenal rate (since you're busy lots of things must have happened right?) and before long there's such an enormous backlog you just don't feel compelled to pen any of it down anymore.

on the other hand, it also means that ive more or less been cured of my blog addiction. it's certainly been months since i last checked *anybody's* blog (yes indeedy, i have been that busy) so forgive me cos im extremely out of date on what any of you have been doing!

ill just focus on one thing, the central thread behind most of whatever's happened, anyways. ive been gravitating towards the telecommuting lifestyle - the one in which you can work anytime, anyplace, surf the web from wherever, yadda yadda. only that i don't have a wireless card, nor do i intend to buy one anytime soon (broadband is ubiquitous in cam but, strangely enough, not wireless access. another one of those eternal mysteries of life..)

so in the past month and a half, ive taken apart my old notebook - and i do mean down to component level - cos it was malfunctioning, become a sim lim kid, bought a second hand laptop for $1400 against the advice of just about everybody who had an opinion, decided on the spur of the moment to plonk another $700 on repairing the old one after the manufacturer offered to buy it back from me for $50.. and then tried [trying!] to sell off the secondhand laptop, since new ones are only about $2199. that's been quite an adventure.. esp navigating the depths of online auctions. also against the advice of everybody who had an opinion.

i can safely conclude that i am nowhere nearer to adulthood than i was a year ago. normally that's a good thing, but knowing that i no longer have the benefit of one more year to actually become independent makes it a very bad thing.

recieved my first personal invitation to a wedding dinner, somehow it's very different when you're the one that's invited and not your family as a whole. it makes you feel so much older (NOT necessarily grown-up) .. and poorer, too. i won't soon forget how some of my friends and colleagues are scraping the barrel to come up with cash for the customary red packets. that aside, it's also a time when all the friendster links come out - when you realise that you actually know so-and-so's friend/cousin/etc. the dinner itself was quite a big thing - 30+ or 40 tables. i quite doubt that i have that many friends!

on the other hand, im also feeling very christmas-sy. put up the tree with all the decorations - admittedly, not much, but its the thought that counts - for the first time in a decade or so. it's the first time in that long that i'll be home for xmas, and it's also likely to be the last time in many more years to come.

Nelly Furtado - Powerless (Say What You Want)

Paint my face in your magazines
Make it look whiter than it seems
Paint me over with your dreams
Shove away my ethnicity
Burn every notion that I may have a flame inside to fight
And say just what is on my mind
Without offending your might

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
So say what you want
Say what you want

I saw her face outside today
Weatherworn, looking all the rage
They took her passion and her gaze and made a poster
Now it's moccasins we sport
We take the culture and contort
Perhaps only to distort what we are hiding

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
But say what you want
Say what you want

Hey you, the one outside, are you ever gonna get in, get in
Hey you, the one that don't fit in, how ya, how ya gonna get in
Hey you, the one outside, are you ever gonna get in with your
Broken teeth, broken jaw, broken mojo
Yeah, this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless, what are you gonna do

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless, what are you gonna do

2003-10-19T07:47:00.000+01:00

[have you ever been mellow?]

lately ive been feeling very mellow - not the genial and graceful mellowing that comes with age (and hopefully maturity, often there's no link between the two) but the kind of hollow feeling you get when you feel disjointed. it's as though my very intensity has been bled out of me.. and looking back on events it's probably very much a work-induced thing.

you know the drill: when you have multiple bosses, each of which wants things done his or her way, you often wind up doing the same thing over and over again - and as though that wasn't promethean enuf theres often a tongue-lashing to boot.. so it's more of the why-should-i-bother-anymore response.

it's also partly to blame on my recent cd selection: Norah Jones' Come Away with Me, a blues collection and Lisa Ono's Best 1997-2001. all nice soothing stuff, and very unfortunately, without any semblance of an experimental edge to them. im sticking very much closer to gilles peterson's selections in future.

there's hardly any fire in this post, either. now, im just a little lost lamb. hopefully ill find myself again soon.

but if there's anything worth championing, its this:
the BBC intends to publish all its archives of radio material etc on the web as open source material.

2003-09-27T19:17:00.000+01:00

[superproducers]

i had to post this article from the September Wired (11.10) about Superproducers.. the new breed of producers who are becoming superstars in their own right, who have the ability to make, break, or remake - as in the case of justin timberlake with the ever-superb Neptunes - artistes.

also worth checking from the same issue - a piece on the Iranian twins, Ladan & Lalleh.

they also make retro cool again, as with my current fave track by the equal-parts bootlegger and producer extrodinaire, Richard X:

Richard X ft Deborah Evans-Strickland - Walk On By
(cover of the Carpenters' Walk on By)

If you see me walking down the street
And I start to cry each time we meet
Walk on by, walk on by

Make believe
that you don't see the tears
Just let me grieve
in private 'cause each time I see you
I break down and cry
And walk on by (don't stop)
And walk on by (don't stop)
And walk on by

I just can't get over losing you
And so if I seem broken and blue
Walk on by, walk on by

Foolish pride
Is all that I have left
So let me hide
The tears and the sadness you gave me
When you said goodbye
Walk on by
and walk on by
and walk by (don't stop)

Walk on by, walk on by
Foolish pride
Is all that I have left
So let me hide
The tears and the sadness you gave me
When you said goodbye
Walk on by (don't stop)
and walk on by (don't stop)
and walk by (don't stop)

nb lyrics taken from dionne warwick's cover. so its only an approximation..

2003-09-26T18:09:00.000+01:00

[OMG]

blockquote-

30 June 2003 press releases 2003

MUZIK MAGAZINE TO CLOSE

IPC ignite! is to close its monthly dance magazine, Muzik, with effect from the August issue on sale July 9.

Advertisement and copy sale revenues have declined in parallel with the decline of this sector of the Music market, to the point that the title is no longer economically viable.

Tim Brooks, managing director of IPC ignite! – which also publishes the market-leading rock weekly NME and the award-wining music & movies monthly Uncut - says: “We have a very talented and dedicated team on Muzik, and I want to thank them all for their hard work and their grace under pressure. Sadly, nothing they could do in isolation was going to turn around this sector of the Music market. Just like the broader Music industry of which we’re proud to be a part, we have to channel our resources to where the consumers are.”

The closure will result in no more than ten redundancies, and every effort will be made to find alternative jobs for all those affected.

For further information, please contact Julie York, director of corporate communications, IPC Media, Tel: 020 7261 5880 or Email: julie_york@ipcmedia.com

this cant be happening..
not when i was going to go over and start a direct debit subscription, which would have meant no queuing at newstands, no worries about missing the latest, greatest issue (i missed the one with the zouk cd, mind) plus a free cd to boot. hot damn. now what will i do when im there?

no wonder i din find muzik at kino last week. and on a more sinister note, ministry is back.. trashy as ever. but still with a free cd. it remains to be seen if my craving for a free cd every month wins out over championing responsible journalism.

on a related note, i realise, to my horror, that nobody has mourned the passing of the Selecta, the syndicated weekly showcase of brit music (never pop!!) sponsored by the British Council and locally-fronted by jean danker. now my saturdays are that much darker. =(

ive also just been informed, at the last minute, that i will be subbing as a competitive runner for tuesday's cross-country trail since a few of my frens bowed out (due to illness... and i was the one who sent them to the medical centre, natch). i shall make history by being the slowest competitive runner in the history of the unit.. if not the world!

just cant help but feel incredibly optimistic. wow. =\

2003-09-11T19:33:00.000+01:00

PowerPoint (TM) is evil

food for thot.

also: compare with Learning to Love PowerPoint (TM)

(but theyre really about different things..)

2003-08-24T16:31:00.000+01:00

[pawnstarz]

it is not by chance that i obsess about music - whatever catches my fancy - and the name x'ho keeps cropping up. he is by no means the only one keeping it real, who isnt afraid to sacrifice a little material wealth to live his dreams, but the most identifiable. you cant really argue very much about how interesting a heavily-tattooed, ex-mohawk-sporting dj is in our still-cloistered society. but this time sheer coincidence has made him the subject of my post at a time when his new band pawnstarz, or zircon gov. pawnstarz, in its full and unabridged glory, just made the cover story of yesterday's ST Life!.

i happened to be shopping at HMV earlier on in the week where i came across x'ho's second(?) and most recent book, Attack of the SM Space Encroachers in the magazines section right next to my beloved Muzik. and one copy was open, so i flipped through. and it struck me as being some sort of op-ed social commentary in bite-sized nuggets. in other words, a blog, in the real vernacular of the heartlands, hokkien and all, in print. but something deep and idealistic in me reacted against the idea of buying somebody else's blog, and i passed the book on for Bjork's Greatest Hits, The Flaming Lips' Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots and the latest copy of Muzik.

which leads me in nicely into the age-old dilemma of what tom friedman calls 'glocalisation' (converted from the americanized spelling).. the challenge of retaining one's own cultural roots, embodied by olive trees, in the face of globalisation and the things it brings about, represented (quite aptly, too) by a lexus. so its about the lexus vs the olive tree - and i wonder if i am selling out by paying good money to support, in turn, an established international artist (who somehow still cuts it as alternative), an upstart but critically-acclaimed american band who embrace japanese culture , and a pan-european publishing conglomerate, instead of a struggling local musician whose opinion and taste i have the utmost respect for (even if he goes overboard on the Chicks on Speed.. a little overrated in my opinion).

that was on wed night. the very next day, i was shocked to hear that passion 99.5 was going to be pulled off the air by Dec because the National Arts Council decided it wasnt cost effective. well, not just the arts station, but also the arts magazine. a magazine is a magazine, but a station! its been around for 6 years - the entire duration ive actually been addicted to radio - the station that champions local music and arts events - where i get my nightly jazz fix (no doubt heavily influenced by gilles peterson) - which took x'ho under its wing and let him present groovevisions after hip parade got canned by perfect 10 - its a much more vibrant, living, breathing entity than any magazine. and its something id gladly pay taxes to support.

come friday morning, newsradio 938 had a segment where people called in with their views about the imminent closure of passion 99.5, and i was quite peeved at the people who obviously hadnt heard about the station and didnt quite give a damn about it but who still called up voicing their very general support for the arts. if theres anything i cant stand its pretension, and i really begin to wonder how many people DID listen to passion 99.5 in the first place.

as carrie chong said about the 'underground' St Johns' Powerhouse rave party - "you can't say that in singapore!! nothing is underground except for.. the mrt!" i dont expect pirate radio to crop up, catering to the 99.5 niche - even though some aspects of the listenership undoubtably fit the demographic who would try - given the furore over the indonesian pirate radio stations who literally broadcasted offshore, via ship. (come to think of it i dont really know what happened, i only know it existed..)

it's a very long ramble, i know, but the basic point im trying to get at is if i can pass up x'ho's book for imported music (no matter how alternative or counterculture it is), how can passion 99.5 survive? and how can anything other than fine art - for which there will always be an established niche, whether its among the noveau riche or those with old money - ever survive (not flourish, mind, SURVIVE..) here, where pragmatism reigns supreme over everything else?

Tanya Chua - Wu2 Di3 Dong4

sometimes i think i think too much. and i begin to see the inherent simplicity and truth in zen philosophy (or what i understand by the loose usage of the term) and about learning organisations.. how the harder you push the more likely youre not going to get there. how you have to be not looking for something, but ready for it all the same, for it to drop into your lap.

2003-08-17T14:31:00.000+01:00

[lost]

i have recently rediscovered the thrills of just letting everything go and succumbing to mindless hedonism. in short: Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 (THPS3) .. at a playstation near you.

Motorhead - Ace of Spades (from THPS3 OST)

If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man
You win some, lose some, it's all the same to me
The pleasure is to play, makes no difference what you say
I don't share your greed, the only card I need is
The Ace Of Spades
The Ace Of Spades

Playing for the high one, dancing with the devil,
Going with the flow, it's all a game to me,
Seven or Eleven, snake eyes watching you,
Double up or quit, double stake or split,
The Ace Of Spades
The Ace Of spades

You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools,
But that's the way I like it baby,
I don't wanna live forever,
And don't forget the joker!

Pushing up the ante, I know you've got to see me,
Read 'em and weep, the dead man's hand again,
I see it in your eyes, take one look and die,
The only thing you see, you know it's gonna be,
The Ace Of Spades

other than that, im hopelessly lost.

2003-08-05T15:59:00.000+01:00

[out of the loop]

i always pride myself on being connected - wired - in the know. come september 11, i heard the news off the radio, while preparing for prelims, then promptly went to switch on CNN and CNA on tv. but today, im totally clueless about the jakarta bombings.

been in a holiday mood for most of the day. pep talk in the morning from my boss (at around the time of the blast, come to think of it.. we switched the office radio off for that..), then settling some last minute admin before going for a national education trip lasting the entire afternoon - the [racial] harmony trail. quite interesting actually, visited labrador park, the silat rd gurdawara (Sikh temple), jame rd mosque and the ura gallery (where they display the masterplans for development.. last one was in 2001 and let me tell you its quite a shock seeing how big tekong is supposed to be, or seeing residential development on tekong (what, bmtc?!) or even *contemplating* joining tekong and ubin to the mainland via a road..) then popping over to funan to grab a screen protector for my palm (which is beginning to get scratches due to increasingly frequent usage).

in short, things were looking good, and for once i seemed to be on the verge of integrating a PDA into my life, something ive been trying unsuccessfully to do since march. but this bombing kinda snaps me out of this dreamy state and back into the murky uncertainties and threats that lurk in every corner of the real world.

basically this just means trouble with a capital T.. back to increased vigilance again. theres a human limit to how long you can function on heightened alertness for. for starters adrenaline only has a short-acting effect (again, dont ask me to substantiate, im padding away here) simply because the body cannot afford to keep up the energy-consuming fight or flight reflex. um, something like that (ive lost that much since i came in). of course theres something to be said about being vigilant all the time, but its just not humanly possible. so now its not just SARS we have to watch out for but terrorism too.

somehow the bali bombing didnt hit home so hard cos no countrymen/women were affected. this time its different. this sort of sounds like a cheesy storyline off "on the frontlines", that ch U drama on terrorism.. which they had to write an editorial about in life. good grief. but i digress. ill be totally tied up with all the measures i anticipate we'll be putting into place.. if my normal work isnt bad enough.

i do suspect that the few people out there still playing C&C: Generals will soon stop, not only because the Warcraft III expansion set The Frozen Throne is out, but also because it's no longer politically correct to wield suicide-bombing terrorists and car bombs as a GLA commander in Generals. what troubled times we live in..

The Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the Devil (Remix)

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith
And I was 'round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

I stuck around St. Petersburg
When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the czar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain
I rode a tank
Held a general's rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah

I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the gods they made
I shouted out,
"Who killed the Kennedys?"
When after all
It was you and me
Let me please introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for troubadours
Who get killed before they reached Bombay

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what's confusing you
Is just the nature of my game

Just as every cop is a criminal
And all the sinners saints
As heads is tails
Just call me Lucifer
'Cause I'm in need of some restraint
So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well - learned politesse
Or I'll lay your soul to waste, um yeah

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, um yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, um mean it, get down
Woo, who
Oh yeah, get on down
Oh yeah
Oh yeah!

Tell me baby, what's my name
Tell me honey, can ya guess my name
Tell me baby, what's my name
I tell you one time, you're to blame
Ooo, who
Ooo, who
Ooo, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who

Oh, yeah
What's me name
Tell me, baby, what's my name
Tell me, sweetie, what's my name
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Oh, yeah

i think i missed my original point about being disjointed somewhere along the way. but part of the reason why im so unsettled is cos i din hear about it til my immediate superior called me up this evening after i got home. imagine - from 1100 all the way to 2000 i was blissfully unawares! sigh.

2003-08-04T13:15:00.000+01:00

[fm dreamz]

given how tired i [always!] am, its surprising that my brain can still find the time to dream nowadays. and strangely enough there's a recurring motif; ive dreamt of it at least twice that i can remember - well you know how it is, you always dream much more than you can remember.

anyway it involves this pile on a low table to the left of the table in my room.. i keep dreaming that theres this huge pile of stuff on it and im trying to clear it and somewhere at the bottom i find a pad of blue rgs foolscap (is it even blue coloured?) and im really puzzled as to why its there (in the dream). and i ostensibly set off to write a letter on it.. but that's my conscious conjecture of what i do next. in truth that very spot is taken up by my audio equipment.. including my beloved radio-discman which forms the centre of entertainment in my room. which incidentally is gradually playing second fiddle to my 5.1 speakers and portable radio-stereo in the study..

but i digress. i have absolutely no idea why this keeps coming back.. should go off and read some Freud or something.

Beth Orton - Paris Train

Now you're sitting on a Paris train
Laughin' at your own jokes again
Sun splits the trees into beautiful broken light
Never cry more tears than you could hold in your hands
When all the world's airbrushed
It's a sacred bond of trust

Sometimes
Sometimes
I see right through the scenery
The first place that's on my mind
The last place I find each time

Sometimes
I swim beyond the scenery
The last place that's on my mind
The first place I find each time

Now I'm sitting on a Paris train
Molten ash falls like rain
Fire burns the trees
It's a beautiful fatality
I love the way you stand your ground
Sea moves as mercury
To break its perfect skin
To dare to die from within

Sometimes
Sometimes
I see much more than's good for me
The first thing that's on my mind
The last place I look each time

Sometimes
I slip inside imagery
And the last thing that's on my mind's
The first thing I'll do each time
Each time
Each time

Stars racing to burn out
Just stars racing to burn out
A storm beginning to break
Trees standing black against the sky
This was inevitable
This was inevitable

Sometimes
Sometimes
We can see beyond our history
The last place you hope to find
The one that's been there all the time

Sometimes
Sometimes
We can swim beyond the scenery
The first place that's on your mind
The first place you'd find each time
Each time
Each time
Each time
Each time

Stars racing to burn out
The storm beginning to break
This was inevitable
This was inevitable
Inevitable

2003-08-02T15:24:00.000+01:00

[dem tings]

there's really been nothing remotely worth blogging about these past few weeks - but mingy sums up my emotions, correct as of now, best -

whatever Music blasting through the headphones. I'm still the same. Loud music never affects my sleep. I do not know. I feel that its really like back to my JC days. The tired and busy. No matter how much I change, i'm still the old me. Its just so easy to revert back. But its ok to be.

there comes a point when you don't really know what you're doing with your life - no aims, no objectives, no things to look forward to, just aimless hedonism. if it doesnt land me in trouble with my boss(es) it sure will land me in hot soup by this time next year if i cant snap out of it - the dreaded extended-holiday attitude spilling over into uni (horrors!)

some very rational part of me says dont sweat the small stuff. the human brain has an uncanny ability to focus all your worrying (read: time and energy) on whatever seems like it's so earth-shattering it'll mar the rest of your life if you dont do it right - stuff like the PSLE, Os, common test, prelims, As.. but on hindsight they really arent that impt. where you get your degree from isnt as important as the process; what techniques you learn in the lab arent as important as the ideas, the grounding and the spirited defence of your ideas to your peers since techniques come and go. try as i may i cant shake it off. maybe this has to do with our wonderful education system? but then that would just be shifting the blame. sometimes i wonder if the new straight-through (secondary to jc direct, bypassing Os) system works out better for everybody in general. (dont expect me to substantiate this, though. havent thought enuf about it)

Grand Theft Auto 3 OST (Head Radio) - If You Dont Change

Forgive me, but I didn't do anything wrong.
So sue me, if you think the teacher had the life.
Forget me, if you don't think your friend is your enemy.
Because it's always been your innocence.

You sit, you shy, you withstood it.
You censor your life for your benefit.
But you lose all the taste.
And you sit there and waste.
Your day, your month, your year.

Nothing stays, they pass you by.
If you don't change, If you don't change.

Tell me, will you always be the same.
Oh maybe, kick yourself and play the game.
You ask me, what it is youre doing wrong.
You hesitate, you stand there and you should know.

(Pre-Chorus)
(Chorus)

now listening to reggae - Chris Goldfinger on [BBC] Radio 1. it's all about dem tings...

2003-07-13T14:35:00.000+01:00

[boys be]

"everythings okay??!"

i caught a fragment of the anime series boys be on tvmobile, of all things, yesterday.

"everythings okay?!! you just dont understand!" *girl leaves in a huff*

and it happened not once, but twice - with the aid of flashbacks - to the hapless loser of a protagonist. once with his ex, once with his current, both of whom left him to pursue their dreams.

there seems to be a wave of nostalgia washing over everybody - yesterday was the second class outing ive had in two weeks - both with unprecedently high turnouts. (i use the word 'turnout' with extreme caution these days thanks to its unwelcome implications) maybe its a feeling of disjointedness, trying to put your disparate lives together.. sort of a quarterlife crisis. somebody remarked that it was high time we took more photos cos they regretted not taking enough while back in school. i have no real response to that statement, partly because the most impt times of my life have been captured either in pictures, words or (sadly) certs. from these things alone i can relive the entire experience.. good, bad, warts and all. (they say an elephant never forgets)

warts and all, indeed, because i feel exactly as out of place and unwanted now as i was then. the irony is that i told off my best fren exactly a week ago at the same time for being so antisocial, why he was just hiding in a corner instead of talking to everyone else. somehow i was a social animal a week ago. and one week hence i am once again a wallflower. in real life the opposite was true - i was so much more outgoing in my last school - but now it appears that even that was inadequate. i carry with me the lessons learnt from the grave silences that inevitably punctuate any conversation in which i participate, and even then i havent learnt enough, or done enough about it. i vowed that this wouldnt be the case in jc, look where it's gotten me. i cant possibly repeat that in uni.. though i just might, through sheer inertia.

saturday morning, contemplating life at east coast, i wasnt really talking to my frens - half the time i could hardly hear what they were saying (and this is true no matter where i am, i believe im going deaf) and the remaining half was spent nodding or making little affirmatory mmhmms to reassure them that i was in absolute agreement with whatever they had said.

and the inevitable reunion always brings up the state-of-your-life comparisons. this is something peculiar to the jc civics group cos i have never felt it with my other classes, no matter how bright they are. and i always emerge with an immense sense of worthlessness - why is everybody else accomplishing so much with their lives, when i seem to be not doing anything? okay, correction: why dont i have anything to show for it? why am i not rushing around 24/7 like everybody else? why cant i do cool and impressive things like everybody else? i dont climb mountains, i dont join orientation, i dont go windsurfing, i cant drive, im not busy 24/7...

this is practically begging the question, why everybody else? why bother? but i cant help it. that's an excuse, of course. in reality its one (or more) of the following: a) deep-seated insecurity; b) an extremely competitive nature - but im not sure whether its internal (competing with myself) or external (competing with others).. im not good enough to be competing with myself and my percieved potential anyway.

what am i doing with my life now? nothing. sure, i feel valued where i am, because i have a supportive boss and a relatively supportive big boss. but i also feel that i am not doing anything worthy compared to everybody else, even other NSFs. been bumming around busying myself with urgent, pressing or important things - but never things that i can feel extremely proud of, no skills or sports to learn. i dont belong with the rest of my jc class cos theyre all high fliers and im doing absolutely nothing with my life and ive already forgotten probably 75% of what i used to know, and i probably dont know 90-95% of what they know.

why does everybody else lead such fulfilling and contented lives? living each moment as though it may be their last.. while i fritter my time away on my work or on crappy computer games im not good at anyway, in a futile attempt to improve my skillz. to what end?

my budding type-A personality says theres really no point in showing up for such outings. but im a glutton for punishment. i stick out like graffiti on a freshly-whitewashed wall, unwanted, unwelcome. or perhaps the reverse image is more fitting - a scrap of a heavily-graffitised wall where the original paint shows through. i will drop every last vestige of my former self that has anything to do with being such a misfit because it has become stale, tired and i realise all too well what a loser ive been. no longer. 1 year 2 months to go.

on a distinctly unrelated note, im happy that this year's zouk out is heading in the direction of big happy festivals like homelands, glastonbury or the now-defunct creamfields.. for once, we're having arenas... a host of big names coming down.. multiple-day looooong hours of mayhem.. not that i can be expected to show up, of course. score one for the developing club scene!

Nickelback ft Kid Rock - Saturday Night's Alright (for Fighting)

It's getting late have you seen my mates
Ma tell me when the boys get here
It's seven o'clock and I want to rock
Want to get a belly full of beer

My old man's drunker than a barrel full of monkeys
And my old lady she don't care
My sister looks cute in her braces and boots
A handful of grease in her hair

Don't give us none of your aggravation
We've had it with your discipline
Saturday night's alright for fighting
Get a little action in

Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this town alight
`Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright alright alright

Well they're packed pretty tight in here tonight
I'm looking for a woman who'll see me right
I may use a little muscle to get what I need
I may sink a little drink and shout out "She's with me!"

A couple of the sounds that I really like
Are the sounds of a switchblade and a motorbike
I'm a juvenile product of the working class
Whose best friend floats in the bottom of a glass

Don't give us none of your aggravation
We've had it with your discipline
Saturday night's alright for fighting
Get a little action in

Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this town alight
`Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright alright alright

Don't give us none of your aggravation
We've had it with your discipline
Saturday night's alright for fighting
Get a little action in

Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this town alight
`Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright alright alright

Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday night's alright

Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday night's alright

Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday saturday saturday
Saturday night's alright

i meant to put max sedgley's "happy" (nothing like the pop tunes commonly associated with that title) or nathan haines "doot dude" (ft Lyric L).. but i cant even find them on kazaa. or the lyrics. gilles peterson helps keep me sane.

there has to be a systemic reason why im continually dissatisfied with the way im living my life.. but i havent read enough of the book to figure it out yet. in the meantime, everything's peachy.

2003-06-28T16:49:00.000+01:00

[throttle]

my temperament seems to be getting from bad to worse - things that wd hardly have fazed me in the past now genuinely begin to irk me, a hair's breadth away from arousing my ire. of course there's hardly a ripple on the surface but inside im slowly simmering. perhaps this is the price you pay for gradually becoming sharper - your tolerance for counterproductive behaviour largely dissipates. strangely enough this sharpness, of late, comes more from driving than from work, though i can foresee that soon enough my work *will* school me in catching all the smallest details (literally that or bust).. [ on my first drive off the circuit (hence on the road, by elimination) i missed a ped on the opposite side of the street at a box junction. no longer! hopefully.. ]

as always, attitude is the number one reason why my blood boils. poor performance is tolerable, if not completely understandable, on a case by case basis but there is never an excuse for having a poor attitude, which then invariably affects your work. lack of enthusiasm now falls under my danger zone, and outright reluctance is squarely within. ive never been idealistic enough to expect that everybody in an organisation would go all out for the cause, but lately virtually everything smacks of a bad attitude - again, this may be attributed to hypersensitivity.

truth be told im also getting very sick of being the punching bag for the world. even the nicest people go off and enjoy themselves, leaving their dirty work for me, often at a moment's notice. i feel used, spent, worthless... and very, very indignant.

in a situation like this the obvious response would be to try what has always worked to remedy things. in my case its the trademark Boxer motto out of Animal Farm - i will work harder! but the harder you push, the harder the system pushes back. (somebody's dunno-wat law of no net change, something like that) using an ever-bigger hammer doesn't always solve the problem, especially when its not the right tool for the job. the only real solutions that result in positive change are often non-intuitive and hardly obvious, because their effects are felt in another part of the system, which then comes back to influence you. ive been reading too much about systemic thinking!

Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life

I'm packed and I'm holding
I'm smiling, she's living, she's golden
She lives for me, says she lives for me
Ovation, her own motivation
She comes round and she goes down on me
And I make her smile, like a drug for you
Do ever what you wanna do, coming over you
Keep on smiling, what we go through
One stop to the rhythm that divides you
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse
Chop another line like a coda with a curse
Come on like a freak show takes the stage
We give them the games we play, she said...
I want something else, to get me through this
Semi-charmed kinda life, baby, baby
I want something else, I'm not listening when you say good-bye
The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there, someplace back there
Smiling in the pictures you would take
Doing crystal myth, will lift you up until you break
It won't stop, I won't come down
I keep stock with the tick-tock rhythm, I bump for the drop
And then I bumped up, I took the hit that I was given
Then I bumped again, then I bumped again
I said...
How do I get back there, to the place where I fell asleep inside you
How do I get myself back to the place where you said...
I want something else, to get me through this
Semi-charmed kinda life, baby, baby
I want something else, I'm not listening when you say good-bye
I believe in the sand beneath my toes
The beach gives a feeling, an earthy feeling
I believe in the faith that grows
And the four right chords can make me cry
When I'm with you I feel like I could die
And that would be all right, all right
And when the plane came in, she said she was crashing
The velvet it rips in the city, we tripped on the urge to feel alive
Now I'm struggling to survive, those days you were wearing that velvet dress
You're the priestess, I must confess
Those little red panties they pass the test
Slide up around the belly, face down on the mattress
One
And you hold me, and we're broken
Still it's all that I wanna do, just a little now
Feel myself, head made of the ground
I'm scared, I'm not coming down
No, no
And I won't run for my life
She's got her jaws now, locked down in a smile
But nothing is all right, all right
And I want something else, to get me through this life
Baby, I want something else
Not listening when you say...
Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye
Good-bye
The sky was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Someplace back there, in the place we used to start
I want something else

i think all this is somehow related to the way i turn corners - pressing too hard on the accelerator and rounding the bend much faster than expected. while in first gear. there's a parable in that somewhere.

2003-06-18T14:40:00.000+01:00

[footwork]

disclaimer: bad post ahead.

sometimes the most mundane things can become the most persistent and insistent motifs in your life. just last sunday i had a rude shock when my fixed instructor wound up teaching sbdy else who had been given the same car number that was printed on my crisp reporting slip still fresh from the printer. minutes later i found myself in a totally unfamiliar car with an instructor i had never seen before, and who was much less forgiving than my usual one. i guess something like that every once in a while is good, if not for the fact that im still paying an additional 10 bucks just to have somebody from the instructor pool teach me. reality always has a nasty knack for being brutal, and i've since learnt that i'm not always aware of the locations of pedestrians attempting to cross the road, that i dont always check my blind spots before switching lanes, that i shouldnt drive too long on first gear even on the circuit, that i almost never change down gears when i slow down, that i dont hit the brakes while turning, and that my footwork is atrocious. not in those words of course.

this being my third lesson its probably understandable that my footwork isnt particularly good, my reputation of being a klutz notwithstanding, and im only too acutely aware of how bad i actually am. the previous lesson was almost an exercise in starting the car - on the road - after jarring stall after jarring stall. sometimes at traffic lights, too, might i add. my problem lies with the balance between easing off the clutch and gently pressing the accelerator.. and my poor coordination in general between changing gears and slowing / stopping. (im almost convinced ill never get my license a) anytime soon b) by august c) in 25 lessons) not to mention the haphazardness of my schedule - tuesday's big regular meetings gets shifted to mon at 1800, of all things, and ends at 1910 on the dot. which incidentally was the time my fourth lesson would have started. and the driving centre called up my home as though i had played truant!! but credit where credit is due. i guess its quite touching that they care so much abt each n every student.

on piste my footwork was never much better. shuffle shuffle here stumble stumble there. big heavy plodding steps when others glide effortlessly over the (depending on where you were) metal or rubber strip. the overexaggerated shifting of weight that always gave my lunges away. the lazy dragging of feet. the hesitant, jerky riding motion (body moving in the vertical plane) that could only belong to somebody trying to overcome a severe lack of psychomotor skills.

and im still stumbling over simple tasks everybody my age has no problems doing. one look and all my guys know ive never played basketball or soccer much before.. not that i really care, but sometimes its just another cruel reminder that under all appearances i am still living on the bona fide outer fringe of society.

im worse off at the frentic tangle that makes up work, and working life. totally sick of the way .....

forget it.

it's getting kinda cringeworthy.. somehow all my good blog-writing ideas turn into mush when i actually start typing. when it's in my head it actually sounds kinda workable. ahhh heck.

dead beat. 3h for two days running, and feeling the aftereffects. working and studying are just so different - you can stay up all night while schooling and still feel a-ok the next day, but you can't really pull that off when you're working.

and sometimes when im sick and tired of it all i feel the need to reinvent myself. a systemic purge to remove all the bad, the unwanted, and replace them with new interests, new pursuits, and hopefully new traits that will help me become more accepted. like how a snake sheds its skin, or how a phoenix rises from the ashes.. no intended reference to the new harry potter book, of course.

there's no loneliness worse than being totally frustrated without having anybody you can tell about all your troubles, or somebody who might remotely understand.

someday when i can write better ill rewrite this post. id delete it.. but id hate to waste the time i spent on it. ill try not to post when i should be sleeping in future.

black eyed peas ft justin timberlake - where is the love

What's wrong with the world, mam
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Badness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
N**, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With the ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our own direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive to lovers bound

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send us some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

2003-06-11T13:22:00.000+01:00

[crash]

36h. out on the road for most of that period of time. running around like an idiot from point a to point b for administrative purposes (opening, closing gates, taking keys, resup-ping batteries, checking, recce, ferrying ppl to n fro, etc etc), pushed the rover twice to start it, rolled down steep hills four times (maybe more, i lost count) cos the gearshift wouldnt engage (high 4WD vs lo 4WD), had 1x packet milo and a bit of chicken to tide me over the greater part of 24h. and i am so completely stoned now.

Eason Chan - K Ge Zi Wang

so sad.. and so beautiful. such songs are so hard to find.

2003-06-01T17:37:00.000+01:00

[ny state of mind]

confusion. the sense of helplessness when worlds collide - when the many worlds you have tried so hard to keep separate from one another inevitably come crashing together to coalesce into one throbbing chaotic mess. everything's a blur. everything's a haze. trying to stay afloat. but buoyed by a sense of purpose, the kind of single-minded drive that makes the 4-minute mile possible. sometimes you just have to make adversity your own pillar of strength - even if it really isnt. i feel like i can move mountains.

Black Box Recorder - The Facts Of Life

Do do do, do do do
Do do do, do do do

When boys are just eleven
They begin to grow in height at a fast rate than they have done before
They develop curiosity and start to fantasise
About the things they have never thought of doing before
These dreams are no more harmful than
The usual thoughts that boys have of becoming football stars or millionaires
As long as the distinction between fantasy and fiction remains
It's just a nature walk

It's just the facts of life
There's no master plan
Walk me home from school
I'll let you hold my hand
You're getting ideas
And when you sleep at night
They develop into sweet dreams
It's just the facts of life

A boy sits by the telephone, wanting to call a girl
But not daring to because she might say no
At last he summons up the courage phones
And discovers someone else has asked her first and she's said yes
Now's time to deal with the fear of being rejected
No-one gets through life without being hurt
At this point the boy who's listening to this song
Is probably saying it's easier said than done and it's true

It's just the facts of life
There's no master plan
Walk me home from school
I'll let you hold my hand
You're getting ideas
And when you sleep at night
They develop into sweet dreams
It's just the facts of life

Do do do, do do do
Do do do, do do do

Small-town dating differs from more urban situations
In particular if there's few places to go
Adolescents normally gather in a cafe or an arcade
If they have to almost anywhere will do
A family car, a disused coalmine
A rowing boat or a shed
Experimentation, familiarisation
It's all a nature walk

It's just the facts of life
There's no master plan
Walk me home from school
I'll let you hold my hand
You're getting ideas
And when you sleep at night
They develop into sweet dreams
It's just the facts of life

It's just the facts of life (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
There's no master plan (Ideas develop into sweet dreams)
Walk me home from school (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
I'll let you hold my hand (Let you hold my hand)
You're getting ideas (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
And when you sleep at night (Ideas develop into sweet dreams)
They develop into sweet dreams (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
It's just the facts of life

It's just the facts of life (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
There's no master plan (Ideas develop into sweet dreams)
Walk me home from school (Sweet dreams develop into ideas)
I'll let you hold my hand (Let you hold my hand)

streamofconsciousness it's the facts of life.

2003-05-31T18:06:00.000+01:00

[social obligations]

a chance (in the negative sense) occurrence has brought out the essence of why i always seem to go it alone: the ignominy of having to abide by, and live up to, social obligations. some are born socially obliged, some achieve that, and some have it thrust upon them - to [very badly] paraphrase the Bard. achieving it - ie having good friends who expect you to give up some of your time every once in a while to catch up on old times (naturally the frequency and duration of each session depends on how emotionally needy the friend actually is) - is quite different from having it thrust upon you - being obliged to be somewhere just because of affiliation (which happens to be the most common cause) simply because of the element of choice. you chose your friends, you don't always choose where or with whom you wind up with, whether it's work or school. [one might argue, at this point, that friendship is another form of affiliation, but that is really pushing the diff meanings of the word and hence will be assumed as a trivial matter]

work, for one, is a perennial problem. mess events almost always feature compulsory attendance, in addition to having questionable characters for company (hint: think superiors and/or seniors), the imbibing of copious amounts of alcohol, their draggy nature itself, and are marked by a pervasive air of sheer unadulterated boredom. they often degenerate into cliques (believe it or not) and bunches of people huddled around the karaoke, the pool table and the bar counter. it doesnt help that the karaoke isnt particularly up-to-date.. the only chinese song i know that's in the list is the rappy zi yue by ah liang.. and the machinegun lyrics + the words (written in the complex style) complicate matters no end. i cant understand why they dont slot in a karaoke vcd of jay chou.. which at least i can manage. english songs are only mildly better.. since im horribly off-key and have the vocal range of maybe a bass recorder (if there was such a thing) .. about an octave max on the low end. now my big boss (not to be confused with my direct boss) thinks i always do punk rock songs. hooray. tell me - since when was matchboxtwenty punk rock? or lifehouse? incubus - drive - maybe.. but not matchboxtwenty..

school has brought its own fair share of problems, when sbdy takes the trouble to go organise a class gathering and how nobody bothers about it - almost verbatim (except that its been censored) from an earful i got yesterday. sometimes it has to do with class spirit, or how cliqueish a class is.. or sometimes just that people are busy. it may be an excuse - if you want to meet badly enough you'll fork out the time somehow - but there's no escaping it. it's a sooner or later thing.. like taxes. or death. if you never really felt like you belonged, would you go just to be ostracized again? if you could never seem to talk to the rest (aka what streats called STD - Small Talk Disorder), would you go to twiddle your thumbs in silence, looking on eagerly and expectantly hoping somebody will be gracious enough to remember that you exist and drop your name in the conversation?

i think ive always been on the fringe. always an outsider. never truly belonging to any one group. although i need my freedom and my own free space belonging is a latter-stage component of maslow's hierachy of needs. it's most painful when you have things to do but people you never had much affinity with try to stake claims on you and demand your presence, and you either don't really know how to excuse yourself, or you simply can't extricate yourself from the event. having said that it's also great to meet up with, and hear from peeps you really don't mind spending time with, especially those separated by schedule or by country. (ok disclaimer: i din put this bit in just so the people i was wif won misunderstand and kill me... wheres cfyw when you need them?!) maybe at the end of it all this entire problem is a consequence of my own egotism - the belief that my own activities are more impt than others; that i shouldnt (and won't) bend my schedule to fit theirs. but then again i shouldn't feel bad about that.

ooh. angst.

the White Stripes - Seven Nation Army

I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back
And I'm talkin' to myself at night
Because I can't forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a cigarette

And the message comin' from my eyes says leave it alone...

Don't wanna hear about it
Every single one's got a story to tell
Everyone knows about it
From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell
And if I catch it comin' back my way
I'm gonna serve it to you
And that ain't what you want to hear
But that's what I'll do

And the feeling coming from my bones says find a home...

I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera forevermore
I'm gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore
And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding
Right before the lord
All the words are gonna bleed from me
And I will think no more

And the stains comin' from my blood tell me "Go back home"...

lovely. i havent written like this in so long.. and my is it cathartic.

hows my writing? call 1800-4-FANZINE...

2003-05-25T15:48:00.000+01:00

[all that jazz]

as usual my procrastinating tendencies have taken over and ive lost the better part of a day to, well, nothing. *pained look* sometimes its almost criminal, knowing that i cdve done so much more with my time.. and the most worrying thing is im not even anywhere a midlife crisis yet. (touch wood!)

had grandiose plans for a post today but after a few bouts of generals theyve all but dissipated. after a while i realise i only post about whatever's closest to my heart. it's especially so when you're stressed but just *have* to blog to get it out of your system.. pressure, of the temporal kind or otherwise, seems to bring out the best in bloggers. conversely it's when youre at your happiest, or free-est, or whatever have you, that you sort of lose the impetus to post. thats certainly what's going thru my head now.. cos i still have a ton of things to finish by tmr.

wondering why im drawn to jazz. it's probably got something to do with the way ive transited from zero-radio to 24-hr-listener, from bubblegum pop to euro trash to alternative to rock to the cutting edge of the dance genre, and more recently, from there to downtempo, chill-out (before that became passe) and leftfield. from leftfield to gilles peterson to experimental to jazz. i'm tracing this relatively clearly cos of a discussion i had wif calvin a while ago bemoaning the lack of people with similar musical interests around me (compared to around him). he's still firmly into trance.. i've since moved on to leftfield. interestingly enough jazz is one of those so-staid-its-subversive things.. like knitting. i have a story about my superior who started knitting one night in the office.. goodness knows what she was knitting. but i digress - i'm thinking of going for jeremy monteiro NYC trio with toots thielemans.. but im totally broke so its gonna have to be the cheapest $22 seats. anyhow this is a musical performance so there's not much point sitting all the way in front, imho. somehow i always thot more ppl wd be into jazz but, rather inexplicably, im wrong! sad. anyhow if u wanna go beep me and we'll go get tix. or mark chan's musical accompaniment to the silent movie Little Toys. worst come to worst ill go alone!

morcheeba - what new york couples fight about

Once a label is on something
It becomes an it
Like it's no longer alive

It's like a loss of vision
Or some dark impression
Or a black spot on your eye

If it's up to you
My little sweet baboo
Through the shouting and the fever
Think of life as queer
Think of it my dear
And some knobs or a fancy tone
From here there is no reason
Baby's got it made
But it's not what the life's about

What is imagination
May become a fact
If we think of it that way

If you want to know
I can tell you now
Oh if you make it through somehow
Or is it best to keep or fall to sleep
it isnt looking very good to me
from here

Hey
He's distressed
and I forget
I don't wanna know cause I forget
He's distressed
and I forget
I don't wanna know cause I forget
He's distressed
and I forget
I don't wanna know cause I forget
He's distressed
and I forget
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know

I don't wanna know
What do, new york
Couples fight about
Brothers gonna work it out
(Baby's got the bed sheet)
How do
(That was under you)
New york
(When your time and life expires)
Couples fight it out
What these couples fight about
(Keeps it in the closet)
What do
(Keeps it to herself)
New york
(She should throw the damn thing out)
Couples fight about
But this gonna work it out
(Why should you continue)
How do
(To shake it off)
New york
(Would you write things on the wall?)
Couples fight it out
What these couples fight about
(You could make it hard)
To be
In the shouting you will see
Or is it best to change the world you're keeping
Down again

Hey
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know

Such is the sound of sorry
Without the shy report
or the grips that could hold you down
(just when things were looking up you act just like a horse's butt)
Everything was simple
but the body's worn
Got the life spread on the ground
(Powder pink and general, the kitchen sink, a funeral)
Every loving other
Don't you fade on me
Like a bomb that's about to blow
(Often we will overlook the things that make it undercooked)
We can make it hard
Or we can take the world apart
Or you'd never be that sure
Of the simple things that makes you want
To cry, again

Hey
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know

He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know 'cause I forget
He's distressed
And I forget
I don't wanna know
I don't wanna know

that sound totally has to be how i feel. "he's distressed/and i forget/i dont wanna know cause i forget" - troubled without being pessimistic.. making light of my trials and tribulations. overall, a positive way of looking at a bad situation. (that still beats looking at a good situation negatively..) sometimes its just nigh on impossible to describe, not that that has ever stopped me from trying. that's the magic of music.

on an unrelated note - which sec sch shd u be in? from Quizilla. my word.. you will never believe which sch i tested as. i dont know whether i should be proud or ashamed of this.. ~~for purposes of anonymity~~ for the pretence of anonymity i shant name it. but you may guess! =)

2003-05-21T17:22:00.000+01:00

[give or take]

tired beyond measure from late nights, hectic days, firefighting and just plain busyness. nary an end in sight.. the situation's far from bleak, its just.. relentless. or at least it's felt that way for the past few days. bit of a breather today.. but didn't get much done before new stuff piled up. really have to improve on my efficiency. and totally frustrated in some aspects. there are so many great films now (compared to a dearth barely 2 months ago).. ~sigh

misc quotes in the meantime.

"SARS, SARS, bloody SARS" - first two lines (and the only ones i remember!) from glenn ong's poem ranting about SARS when he was still on 987

"a woman will never be more impt than the music. and if a woman thinks she is, then she's just kidding herself, because if a man likes the music, then that's where he's gonna be." - female sample from Gilles Peterson's Worldwide (unknown source, but i believe it should be from a 50s or pre-50s movie or radio show) sometimes i really wonder where they get all their samples from. it certainly sounds authentic to me, but one can never tell..

and this.....

pug jelly - give or take
transcibed by yours truly.. you saw it here first.

we used to go for coffee and we used to go and talk
remember times we used to share and soon we'll both be gone
sunny days and summer times won't be the same again
you've gone away now made your way there's no telling when

things could be the same
you're gone and i wish you'd stayed
going away
my feelings will not change
friends forever
give or take

one day in school walked into class you all were staring eyes
you looked to me so differently i can't imagine why
had to leave my own good friends to come to this place
things are strange i feel my pain i do not feel the same

things could be the same
you're gone and i wish you'd stayed
going away
my feelings will not change
friends forever
give or take

things will not change
until we feel the same
things will not change
this will not change
and still we'll feel the same
this will not change
things will not change
and still we'll feel the same
this will not change
things will not change
and still we'll feel the same

things could be the same
you're gone and i wish you'd stayed
going away
my feelings will not change
friends forever
give or take

btw pug jelly is a local band. im surprised its on radio, and 987 at that.. its relatively fast paced and as with all fast paced songs its really impossible to catch the lyrics unless you have some prior inkling. no such luck for me... nope this is all thanks to the time dilation (compress/stretch timescale without altering pitch) of my wonderful audigy card. and lots of repeated listenings..

"whatever!" - liam lynch, "United States of Whatever"

2003-05-17T14:03:00.000+01:00

[r e t r o]

everything seems to be stuck on nostalgia mode for some strange reason. everything ive done, seen, touched, heard, heck, just about anything i came into contact with today, seems to be about things past. its a little hard to explain and obviously it really begins to lose its charm and poignancy the moment i try to translate it into words, although that isnt going to stop me from trying. in essence: had a hearty discussion about baz luhrmann's william shakespeare's romeo + juliet, the one with leo di caprio and claire danes.. (esp claire danes!! the bit where she goes "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet / o romeo, romeo wherefore art thou romeo" in the little angel costume with the fairy wings from her bedroom window) in the office with my guys, all of which are older than me..... but junior, heh * the clerk that i get along wif the best showed me this msg he got today, which came out of the blue, from a number he din recognise, that he was the best they'd ever had and they'd never forget him.. (they cos the gender was indeterminate) and thing is he's engaged already.. suspects its his ex from 2 years back. mulled over it for a long time * featured tune on the selecta was soul II soul's "back to life" (acapella version) from way back in '89.. * somehow that song brought back a lot of memories even tho i had never heard it in '89!! * saw an ad about a new condo at mt sinai drive.. again, memories * and somehow over dinner conversation turned back to jc days again. i have absolutely no idea why....

you know the feeling - some days you just absolutely loathe yourself. this isnt one of those days. it isnt a totally bright shiny happy day either - its just one tinged with a slightly rosy and misty-eyed view of events i was very critical about when they were happening.. sorta like a on-hindsight appreciation. maybe its just cos vesak day was just over. again i have no idea why im feeling this way!

love by the numbers - just when you thought differential equations had no place in real life..

Cornershop - Brimful of Asha (Fatboy Slim Remix)

there's dancing behind movie scenes
behind the movie scenes - Sadi Rani
she's the one that keeps the dream alive,
from the morning,
past the evening,
till the end of the light.

brimful of Asha on the forty-five.
well, it's a brimful of Asha on the forty-five.
brimful of Asha on the forty-five.
well, it's a brimful of Asha on the forty-five.
and singing illuminate the main streets and the cinema aisles.
we don't care about no government warning
about that promotion of the simple life and the dams they are building.

chorus
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
mine's on the forty-five...

Mohammed Ruffi - forty-five.
Lata Mangeshka - forty-five.
Solid state radio - forty-five.
Ferguson Mono - forty-five.
non public - forty-five.
Jacques Dutronc and the Bolan Boogies...
the Heavy Hitters and the chi-chi music...
all Indian radio - forty-five.
two in ones - forty-five.
Ovvo records - forty-five.
Trojan records - forty-five.

chorus
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
mine's on the forty-five...

seventy-seven thousand piece orchestra set
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow (mines on the RPM...)

chorus
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom.
mine's on the forty-five...

oh, for those days again, where life was simple..

incidentally, and on an unrelated note, juliet the orange is the next best thing to come out of m'sia since too phat.. but whatever has happened to them? so much promise with their first single "quizzical" (remind me, ill post it up someday.. so poignant) but theyve since dipped below the music radar. like lowe / lo.. dunno what happened to him since "evening news". oh well. the fickle nature of local (regional) music..

2003-05-11T16:04:00.000+01:00

[a la folie pas du tout]

finally watched the a/m movie.. audrey tatou is a perfect choice for the female lead - for most of the first half of the film she's in amelie mode, what with that hair and totally innocent look.. although i must say that the story is very flat and downright predictable. its just an interesting study of what the filmmaker terms erotomania, which probably means stalker to ordinary people like you and me. its not a thriller either. i dont quite know how to describe it.. french films are just like that. isnt it strange how everybody wants somebody to call their own (correct me if im wrong but i believe im paraphrasing the title of a very old Corrs song) but sometimes having somebody who wants you can be totally destructive? our cardiologist (cardiologique in french, i think) protagonist Loic loses his office, unborn baby, license to practise and, very nearly, his wife and his sanity. creepy..

too stoned to think about anything else. that was a horrible attempt at a film review.. had much grander things in mind but somehow they dont make the transition to bits n bytes very well.

soundtrack of my mind's still very much the same: One Inch Punch's "Pretty Piece of Flesh".

still wading hip-deep in work. somehow work is so much more tiring than studying.. either that or im growing old way before my time.

2003-05-11T15:53:00.000+01:00

stumbled upon this site - Design for Chunks - and its just soo cool. raw design talent at its best. i wish i could do something like that.. think that settles it. if i wanted a second career it would definitely be in design & graphics.

2003-05-05T15:26:00.000+01:00

[it's just one of those days]

another manic monday.. just when things were beginning to look up, just when i seemed to be on the verge of finishing my SARS SOP, the audit team swoops down and has a ton of ideas that can only come from up above. im talking about ideas which sound really nice in principle but arent likely to do much good on the ground, ideas which seem inspired but will probably wind up alienating people. but what can i do? im just a poor cog in the bigger scheme of things. i facilitate. my job is to turn their whims and fancies into solid concrete Instructions and Procedures. they push, and i turn. sometimes things can just be so depressing - all the initial idealism about being able to make a difference waxes and wanes so quickly before the might of authority and seniority. i dont think im jaded yet, heck no - neither am i disillusioned, ive always expected things to be like this, in here or otherwise [in the working world out there]. its just a feeling of helplessness, and its a terrible terrible uphill struggle. im just slogging for naught..

and if having your work increase exponentially (not to mention having to redo some stuff you just finished) in the first 30 mins of the week wasnt quite enough i had the misfortune of having one of the laptops i signed out for landing in the hands of one the more senior staff around because it was apparently 'lost'. its a very long story but suffice to say that i was in genuine danger and a sweaty and terse investigation later, i found it was all thanks to the nonchalance and downright irresponsibility ("i never saw it!") of somebody that the whole issue came about.

i could go on and on about the rest of the things that almost ruined my day but theres really no point since 1) my day wasnt totally ruined, im just a little... terse and 2) theyre too minute to interest anybody. heck, im even finding them terribly minute as i blog now..

interesting link. dance dance story.. it sorta loosely ties in with today's piece of mood music.

One Inch Punch - Pretty Piece of Flesh
from William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet OST

I
I will split you in two
Shake shake shake boom
I strike, quickly being bold

You're all, you're all dogs
You're just dogs of the house
You're weak, weak, weak, weak slaves
The weak slave goes to the wall, oooh

'Cause I am
I am that pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh, I am

Go, go, foes can never measure to the crew as we roll on
Blast the amplifiers in the back with their soul on
A pretty piece of flesh and yes, you better show your crest
Shoulder holster strapped, I'm pulling from the chest

Guess who's gonna be the first to pull it from you?
But if the steel seal representing Montague
Lovelorn torn from two sides, singin' at dark skies
To the heavens, I'll be seeing worlds collide

Chi chi bow stars and bottle rocket fantasies
But on the streets. some knights and killers. they be after me
Trippin' with Ethel under moonlight skies
But then, you wake up in the danger zone in souped up rides

I'm dodgin' bullets and bang, it's hard to hang
Doing a hundred miles an hour like a video game
Rollin' brick thick and diesel thinking nothin' can faze me
With nickel plated sword slingin', livin' is crazy

Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
Your little pretty piece of flesh
Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
Your little pretty piece of flesh

I am that pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh

I will split you in two
Shake shake shake boom
I strike, quickly being bold
You're all, you're all dogs

Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
(you're just dogs of the house)
Pretty piece of flesh (you're weak, weak, weak, weak slaves)
Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
(the weak slave goes to the wall, oooh)
Pretty piece of flesh

'Cause I am, I am, I'm that pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh
I am a pretty piece of flesh, I am

Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
Your little pretty piece of flesh
Stars collide, worlds divide with a pretty piece of flesh
Your little pretty piece of flesh

quite intrigued by bloggerNEW.. esp the blog-via-email feature. but i thot that was already in place, albeit for blogger pro users? if it comes out for blogger [free] then ill stop thinking about porting it someday. someday.. given the amt of work that just keeps coming and coming.

2003-05-02T17:22:00.000+01:00

[back in the world]

so you see, i have been blogging all this while, just that my posts werent showing up.. *more relieved than miffed* so there. saves me the trouble of reinventing the wheel - was seriously going to put pen (pencil, to be more precise) to paper and start planning my new blog. i just may, although in the tradition of grand vapourware this blog that has just come back to life was due for an overhaul for the past... 10 months. and it's almost a year old already, more or less.

on duty tmr, and there is a ton of things to do- revolving around SARS SOP as well as safety SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) - for auditing purposes just about everything must be documented. of course there are benefits - im gradually gaining an eye for detail and perhaps even becoming much much more critical of ideas (not people, mind) than i ever was before. the passive sponge of days past may well and truly have been left behind by the time im through with all these SOPs and whatever else is tasked to me. believe me the list just grows from day to day. but it also means that i carry this critical attitude just about everywhere i go- sometimes its hard to snap out of. its probably going to be my livelihood in the future so now's a good a time as any to come to terms with this newfound [perhaps latent?] aspect of my (otherwise dull and boring) personality.

happy- finally have my own PA (personal assistant)- a disruptee whos returned to finish the 2 months he has left. and he's a law grad! going to start work in june, requesting to be let off earlier so he can join his firm. whoa.. just as well, even if the help is temporary, cos SOPs tend to get very involved and detailed and there are tons of documents i need to dig out- the only thing is i havent learnt how to delegate anything very well yet. =|

no ruminations for now - still pleasantly surprised that my email to blogger support worked. you guys rock! ill still be considering the redesign though and if it calls for new blog features ill migrate. given the amount of stuff on my plate i doubt if ill be working on it anytime soon.

thanks to everyone who kept coming back even tho new posts werent appearing.. this blog is for you. (as much as it is for me.. ha)

2003-04-24T16:23:00.000+01:00

[ny state of mind]

outraged over streats' quoting of a med student's blog on her opinion of the volunteer-temperature-taker scheme in nus.. to her detriment, and said journalist's response (global allegations against the university, paraphrased.. my memorys not that good, natch)

worried over being someplace i heard may have had people down with SARS. then again its a sooner or later thing- either way it seems like ill be near the frontlines, whether its now (ops role) or later (in healthcare)

relieved that i dont put my real name or any form of contact on my blog.. i hope

worried over the issue of disclosure in future posts

swamped with work - safety management, SARS procedure, training programme, .. many many more

feeling stupid cos i can never really answer stuff my boss expects me to know, that actually i should, but am too tired to remember

just plain tired

lonely but not in the frame of mind to reach out to anybody

seriously pondering switching from blogger to some other blog service.. eyeing something remotely hosted on my 'own' server

back to typing minutes then.

2003-04-20T14:49:00.000+01:00

its been about a week since i last blogged, though it looks like i havent been back for a month, no thanks to the server's refusal to publish my posts. it cant be censorship..... right? although its true that i mainly write for myself, to keep me sane, but then again the whole point of me keeping a blog rather than a diary is the fact that it can, should and is designed to be shared with others. personally its pointless for me to keep my own personal diary.. believe me, ive tried, and i dont think i can find the discipline to keep one. besides an online blog is less susceptible to prying eyes.. at least in my very peculiar case. thats life... *shrug*

2003-04-12T13:16:00.000+01:00

what the ... my posts arent appearing... this is getting very annoying... hello... *wave wave*

2003-04-08T16:30:00.000+01:00

and today a very funny thing happened. i was on my way out of camp, from my new bunk on the 3rd floor, and you must understand that to reach my preferred staircase from my bunk (preferred because its the only one where i dont have to climb up or down extra flights of stairs once i hit the ground floor.. there's a lift but i dont dare to use it, im still small fry) there is a very open corridor. open in the sense that there are just metal railings (with a wall.. i cant quite put it into words) on either side of the corridor, and since its the 3rd storey its really open and you can just see like all the buildings in front. this was after it rained rather heavily this afternoon & evening, so a moderate breeze was blowing, and the air was actually refreshingly cold. surprising, for a non-air-conditioned open-air environment!

and i just felt like i was in vancouver all of a sudden. maybe it was the clouds - the sky was beginning to get dark, mildly, but there were also dark fluffy clouds in the sky, making it look somewhat like a clear - albeit dark and strangely starless - winter night. maybe it was the environment - from that angle the camp complex really does look nice and modern and, dare i say it, reminiscent of the stereotypical stark housing in some parts of vancouver. but i like to think its mainly the sensation of the cold air. even on the rainiest day in tekong, when we did virtually NOTHING because it just poured and poured the whole day until even the ferries stopped, i have never felt the air being cold in that way.

you know how memories can be linked to any and all of your senses... its just strange that i connect vancouver with these inputs.

and although ive had many second homes (lab, now office...) but if youre talking about a city or place to call a second home.. vancouver is probably number 2.

just a thot that kinda made an impression on me.. a fine example of the many posts that occur to me throughout the day. only this one made it thru to a post.

2003-04-08T16:16:00.000+01:00

feel like im beginning to find myself.

sometimes you just dont quite realise how long its been since youve last kept in contact with people until they come back waving a big red flag in your face telling you theres a crisis afoot. for all i like to pride myself on my sensitivity it seems like a large part of it seems to have been replaced by the 1.5 years ive spent in here already.. im not sure how much ive changed - maybe if you could be bothered you could feedback to the usual address - but i think i have gradually become more independent; gradually because i consciously started back in jc, and independent primarily in the mental/emotional sense - i acknowledge that i am still pretty much physically dependent even though i have come a long way in this 1.5 years - independent mentally/emotionally because i used to be so wraught with indecision that id ask like virtually ALL of my close frens before making any decision.. even the simplest ones like should i call, etc.. and even though half the time i went ahead and did whatever i felt like despite their misgivings! heh. anyway my point is now im no longer like that and even though its true that i havent had any major crisis since i left a co-ed environment (ooh that speaks volumes) i still think i am at least 70% capable of getting out of the emotional rut myself now - a far cry from the me in jc when maybe even ALL my frens had to be my crutch[es] for up to a week or so til i felt better. thats quite awfully selfish, on hindsight. [addendum: technically im still in a mixed-gender environment.. and yes all the usual tensions and undercurrents are still there. just like any other part of the real world, then.. but i dont think anybody wd be surprised that there are less crises for me now.. ]

anyway i digress. it wasnt until a close fren pointed out how far we'd strayed, so to speak, til i realised that i was actually so much of a hermit. i mean i dont think id be out of place if i was still in jc and they announced that the schools would be closed for 10 days (now more than that).. id be perfectly happy being at home doing stuff *alone*. i never did call much and hardly kept in touch with people i didnt see regularly in the course of my everyday life (eg school, lab, on/off piste, whatever) in jc and nothing's changed since then. it doesnt help that im waist-deep in work in my new appointment (new being somewhat of a misnomer since ive been here since feb... damn i remember working in the CP on my bdae. and as usual it was one of those no night no day days.. "can we all give a hand to 'fan because its his birthday today.. but youll still have to work.. just ask gene here, he was working thru his bdae too") and knowing me, when the work piles up i just put on blinkers and attempt to wade thru as purposefully as i can.... ignoring just about everything else in the process. including frens.

it just suddenly dawned on me that its a combination of work and my own highly individualistic (aka "i need my own space") nature that keeps me happy not actively reaching out to keep in touch with people. ive never been the sort to really actively keep in contact; though i never refuse if its the other way around. eccentric, as always - but perhaps im evolving this as a trait that may aid in the 8 potentially lonely years ahead?

as always, as always, a matter of perspective.

anyway.. sorry 'von, and thanks.

Beth Orton - Thinking About Tomorrow

Tired, but I ain't sleepin'
Thinking about some sad affair
And why I should be leavin'
'Cause some of these thoughts
Only seem to take me out of here

Yeah, these habits are so hard to break
They're the most easy to make
These habits are so hard to break
And the most easy to make

Thinking about tomorrow
Tired from all the time I spared
On what I still believe in
When none of my talk
Ever seems to get me anywhere

Yeah, these habits are so hard to break
Are the most easy to make
These habits are so hard to break
Are the most easy to make
So easy to make

So long
Night-night friends, so long
So long
Will it ever happen again?
You know that I've been waiting for you
I've been created for you
So long
You know that I've been fading from you
Nothing could save me from you
So long

Tired, but I ain't dreamin'
Falling into solid earth
On why I must be leavin'
'Cause one of these days
I'm gonna pull out all my hair

Yeah these habits are so hard to break
And the most easy to make
Well, these habits are so hard to make
And the most easy to break
So easy

So long
Night-night friends, so long
So long
Will it ever happen again?
You know that I've been waitin' for you
I've been created for you
So long
You know that I have faded from you
And nothing could save me from you
So long

wanted to put her [beth orton's] "this one's gonna bruise" cos i like the title and it sounds so nice.. but its just not apt. some other time..

2003-04-06T16:32:00.000+01:00

what the -? looks like my last post - and its phenomenally long - seems to have gone unpublished. and now the time of the post seems to have changed too.. i am so not going to retype the entire thing! *shrug*

2003-04-04T14:47:00.000+01:00

[assorted thoughts]

wow. been away from blogger for close to 3 weeks already.. it's a wonder how i did it. so many things have gone by, and as usual, 1000s of half-baked ideas for posts. any hope of blogging at work, or at least digitally writing in my blog and posting later, have been dashed by the heaps of work that landed rather suddenly and unexpectedly (though to be fair i should have seen it coming... repeat after me: should have seen it coming)

mess init has come and gone.. surprisingly i went through without much alcohol (half mug) and substituted the rest of the night with water, 'ribena' (very dilute punch) with raw egg.. although its not exactly palatable theres just something strange about drinking and then having some runny yellow blob slip down your throat. almost got a question correct.. almost made my boss drink instead of me.. but i slipped up cos of wrong numbering (001-064, wrong, vs 000-063) anyway he may think i purposely slipped up so he wouldnt lose face.. that i really dunno. heh. wound up singing a horrible and very out of tune wonderwall, though on hindsight it was the best of all the performances that night. that doesnt say very much about the standard, now does it? and after the thing was over it was time to pick up the stragglers, the absolute flat-out drunks, send them back to bunk, then set about cleaning the phenomenal mess. you can take that both ways. anyway when that was over and done with it was karaoke time. that will probably be the last time i attempt to pull off vertical horizon's "everything you want".. which some will recall i was very fond of. and i couldnt set about loading the jay chou karaoke vcd into the hulk of a vcd changer they had ("warning: do not open!") so that went unsung.. incidentally this also caused a bit of confusion (that was completely unintended, i swear), for those in the know about the [volatile?] team dynamics in here.

mess init also provided the excuse for me to finally go buy some cds after a hiatus of almost 3 years+. the cds that come with muzik and Q dont count, since im paying for the magazine (technically. or rather, legally).. cds that i was techincally capable of singing: totally flat tune throughout. heh. walked out of borders with the elvis #1s album, Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps, the collection of oldies that happens to include the eponymous Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps last heard in a Soo Kee jewellry ad, and Beth Orton's Daybreaker as well as the single of the Pet Shop Boys' Home and Dry.. liking it every bit as much as calvin. anyway based on listenings along beth orton seems to be the most satisfying of the cds.. although im not quite capable of funding such cd-buying sprees in future. Bjork's Greatest Hits will just have to wait... sigh.

waist-deep in SARS work now. its almost unbelievable, the stuff i have to do.. initially tasked to give a presentation on SARS. sure thats ok. then as i was going home yesterday - after cleaning out the bunk in preparation for moving in.. we're being chased out of our old bunk - i suddenly hear somebody shouting my name from my office. i look up and one of my clerks frantically waves saying theres a CO meeting (CO means... the head honcho of my unit. bigger than my boss even. my boss is technically 3rd in charge, but practically speaking 2nd in charge) in the conf room.. and im in a very very dusty set of singlet and shorts (cleaning out the room, what would you expect? my newfound vacuuming skillz came in handy..) so i run back to my old bunk change and run back. burst thru the door. "sorry im late sir." sweat drips. bracing myself for the inevitable. all sorts of funny images run thru my head: extras [extra duties], vehement scolding, ... "what are you late for? are you supposed to be here? as what, the MO [medical officer]?" at which point i silently go... *slaps head*

that ad-hoc meeting (its actually normal, mind.. doesnt remove the ad-hocness any, though) ended 1930, which is awfully downright uncharacteristically early. bear in mind that i hadnt had dinner yet and hardly ate lunch. so by right i can go home... but cos of the meeting my work has just quintupled and the stuff was due the next day [today actually!].. so i wind up packing up my new bunk nicely, get my frens to buy back a long john's meal for me [the only cheap thing to eat im afraid] and proceed to work til 0200. crash in the office - not at my chair, thankfully, in the DO room which always has a spare bed. wake up reluctantly at 0730 and jump back to work. anyway at 0800 we have another discussion/powwow and most of what i spent the night doing (a flowchart) is drastically overhauled in the first 5 mins.

there's much more than just that but i think the point has been made.. ill stop complaning right about here. developing the flu, actually ive had it for quite a while already and no symptoms of sars, so crossing my fingers that everythings ok. a public health situation like sars actually depends very much on social responsibility.. and that is a very demanding thing to ask of people.

many many more assorted thoughts - but they have to wait. i need to sleep, to recuperate - theres still a long run far far away from home really early tmr. life doesnt suck.. its just bemusing, in a mildly trying way.

2003-03-16T12:28:00.000Z

not much time to blog today, no thanks to my stellar time management capabilities. ran up bukit timah hill a few times on sat am (training for the punishing cross-country event coming up on the 9th) then had brunch at beauty world centre before taking the bus home (score one for public transport!). i actually have an ez-link card, you know. but after mid-day on saturday everything becomes hazy - spent mostly playing unreal 2 (and i believe im somewhere towards the end already), watching Die Another Day at long last (Samantha Page (i think), the actress who plays Miranda Frost is just sooooo pretty.. quintessentially british. in a kinda modern way. gush), and tidying up my inbox. well not exactly tidying up my inbox per se, but settling some long-outstanding mails. i guess this entire weekend has been an exercise in wasted time once again.

i also realise that inspiration for posts strikes most often when im out and about and nowhere near a computer with a net connection. maybe i should start blogging on my palm again, but then that's if i do bring my palm around. until i get that silly LOA (letter of authorisation) its just not going to happen. in the absence of that this post will be awfully dry and descriptive rather than contemplative..

turnout din happen last week, so its definitely gonna happen this week. i think. and there's this huge 3d exercise, followed closely by DO duty on thursday for me. to quote the 8 days horoscope, getting thru this week will be a challenge. or was it you should give yourself a huge pat on the back for making it thru this week? well, if i make it back in one piece ill blog it down.

interestingly enough Royksopp's "Eple" is on Gilles Peterson's Worldwide now.. and well its a decidely quirky tune, but it does remind me of an apple.. dont know why tho. its kinda tangy.. if you can imagine a *sound* being tangy. and a tad sour - i believe that corresponds to being in a minor key.

Blazin' Squad - Reminisce

[Chorus]
Reminiscing about the time,
back in the day when you
were mine, wish that i could
press rewind, reminisce
about the time.

[Rocky B]
Chillin wit my clic on da beach,
remember when you walked by, eye locked on ya cheeks
you just smile, i ran for a few
yards and finally caught up
with, the opening line, wha
gwan love, spent a day just
chillin and talking, playing and
walking, you and me for two
weeks, just striaght falling in
love we had fights in the sand,
kissed in the sea, passionate
nights, on the beach you and
me, rubbing my hands up ya
smooth brown legs, kissing
ya body, from ya toes to ya
head, the memories that i
wanted to always last, not
the future the present, was stuck in the past, the best
thing, you didn't know i was
a star, spending late nights
chillingout at the bar, the last
day we had spent kissing,
talking bout missing, and now
i'm reminiscing, bout you.

[Repeat chorus x2]

[Flava]
I wish i could reminisce, but
it's just a mist of memories, ny
thoughts are deep, engraves
like headstones in cemeteries,
i never dwell in the past, the
pain is too much, i keep my
head in the future, even plan
my lunch, but this one click
maybe remember bout, how
we used to do those things
yo can mention that, hold up
rewind, to the times when we
loved it woz unusual how did
i just find this, woz it just luck,
or woz it just me, or woz i just
down for the, a crazy night
involved us 20 girls in the back of a truck,'theback of a what?'
yeah i said the back
of a truck parked on the beach
blocking off the back of the
hut, where we chilled coz back
in the day, we never did much,
made love i never done any
thing of the sort, it's just such a
shame how we can't we're
underage, that woz then now
i made it to 16 wid my nine
best friends, now i'm.

[Repeat chorus x2]

[Krazy]
Got me thinking about ya,
every single day of the week,
what i would do just to have
ya, back here with me,
girl you're my fantasy.

[Melo-d]
I sit down think back to days
we were alone we were so
warm together missing the
dayswhen we had fun,
but we lost each other now
it's too late, memories of
what's been and gone,
they'll always be in my mind,
i reminisce things that we've
done, i can't give up my love
for you was so true, i can't
stop thinging about ya
dreaming, i don't know waht
to do, i reminisce days when
you looked so fine, come
back into my arms into my
life coz you should be mine.

[Repeat chorus x4 to fade]

seeya!

2003-03-09T13:09:00.000Z

for once im kinda proud that i idled a day away, particularly since i was in camp whiling time away cos i had to understudy the DO for the umpteenth time. (hm im exaggerating a bit.. but you catch my drift). i really do mean idled, since i spent the morning catching up on sleep - more on that later - and the rest of the day watching tv and a vcd of taxi. thankfully yesterday just happened to be the kind of day that just makes you want to curl up between the sheets or hide in some corner with a warm drink and just read, cos it was overcast the whole day and raining the other 60% of the time. and there actually was a cooling breeze blowing thru the room - i distinctly being uncomfortably hot on thu nite cos the air was just so still. for the record, my current bed is next to the window facing the parade square, and we have these nice blue curtains which are just thick enough to block the light from outside (and give *me* a little privacy since im right next to a relatively high-traffic corridor) yet light enough to billow whenever theres a gentle breeze blowing. and i absolutely adore having to bend a little to get out of bed, past the curtains filling up like sails fluttering on what we'd assume to be a normal day at sea. ah, the little pleasures of life.

anyway it transpired that on thu night i found myself 'invited' by my big boss to a signals dinner the very next day.. much to my chagrin, since 1) i specifically answered on behalf on all of my frens that we'd be caught up in UIP and hence be unavailable to attend the dinner, 2) it was a self-funded dinner, $75 a head, at the conrad, 3) i only realised earlier that morning that we'd be coming home on fri night (first time EVER, may i add) and since i was to bum away sat in camp that made fri nite particularly valuable. so on fri i find myself in the conrad, in a particularly smoke-filled reception (this is an army function after all) attending the dinner on behalf of my good old course commander from SOCC. and 10 mins later he shows up!! it appears that his 2nd-in-command couldnt come but they already indicated that they were coming.. so i became a seat-filler. and a self-paying one at that. lucky i had the foresight (heh) to bring along enough cash to pay for my own dinner. all said and done it wasnt too bad since i caught up with some old frens - about 5 actually - and picked up the only photo taken during commz pde rehearsals. it was a full dress rehearsal, too.. will scan it maybe next weekend. =)

started on jared diamond's amazing guns, germs and steel, the tagline reads "a short history of everybody for the last 13,000 years", and its kind of a synthesis of history and archaebiology and.. hmm. i should quote from the preface, but im too lazy to do so. whatever it is its one of those fantastic multidisciplinary works. i stayed up til 0200 this morning to read (nowhere near finishing, its that thick) but its really that much a page-turner. and i felt compelled to post it here despite my usual misgivings about saying anything about whatever im reading before im done with it (actually i have no idea why i do that either. maybe im just really insecure and dont like to have my ideas challenged. i should grow up..) because of this game that's just come out - American Conquest - where, rather unsurprisingly, you play as various old world explorers from history trying to take over the new world. and im pretty much nonplussed by it since the book does portray the gross technological disadvantage the natives were at - not to mention how naive and innocent they were, or how vile and despicable the conquerors were. can you imagine - using the oldest trick in the book to meet with the Inca head of state Atahuallapa (mind, when i was in scouts, however briefly, i was from the inca patrol... heh) and then hold him hostage for vast sums of gold. and then reneging on their promise and executing said hostage.. well you can read up a bit on the Conquistador Pizarro and his exploits on this PBS website. im thinking of this along the lines of what i was mulling over last week (and did indeed share with pris) about how we were all un-ready for life in the real world. in the loosest sense of the word, Atahuallapa could have said to lack the street smarts Pizarro had - but that's only because we have grown up and lived our lives in a world descended from Pizarro's, not Atahuallapa's. am i losing you yet? that's not the point of the book, of course - its about how varying resources and natural environments shaped the way civilization turned out differently all over the world, rather than innate (ie genetic or racial) differences being responsible. as an ironic counterpoint to that - get a load of this: grandson of one of the original sherpas involved in the everest expedition to open an internet cafe on everest. wait, i think i lost my original point...

audioslave - like a stone

on a cold wet
afternoon
no room for love and emptiness
by a freeway
i confess i was lost in the pages
of a book
full of death
reading how we'll die alone
and if a god will lay to rest
anywhere we want to go
in your house
i long to be
room by room
patiently
i'll wait for you there
like a stone
i'll wait for you there
alone

and on my death bed
i will pray
to the gods and the angels
like a pagan
to anyone who will take me to heaven
to a place
i would recall
i was there so long ago
the sky was bruised
the world was black
and there you led me on

in your house
i long to be
room by room
patiently
i'll wait for you there
like a stone
i'll wait for you there
alone

in all i read
till the day was gone
and i sat in regret
in all the things i've done
for all that i've blessed
and all that i've wronged
in dreams till my death
i will wonder on

in your house
i long to be
room by room
patiently
i'll wait for you there
like a stone
i'll wait for you there
alone
alone

fyi - i originally intended to post like a stone with the entry i posted on the 5th at 0402 - but i decided to put cochise with that post instead, since it just felt more appropriate. same goes today - like a stone feels more appropriate today; im in a rather contemplative mood today and am thinking about all the things ive done (mostly bad!).. sometimes i just feel like im so bad. sigh.

oh, and turnout's coming this week, plus heavy running almost every day. will be an achievement surviving this week..anybody for lunch next sat? (must have some positive inducement) - sms me. =)

fanZINE

[GTD'oh!]

reboot

[same old familiar feeling]

from one of my books

it's been too long

random thoughts

[this blog is not dead]

[losing it]

[the first step is always the hardest]

[sea change]

Excerpt from A Lonely Coast

[1st live set!]

[john peel day]

[broke out of hibernation]

[watch this space]

[NY state of mind]

[long overdue]

[this blog is not dead]

[brrr]

[nothing doing]

[radio]

[there she goes, my beautiful world]

New Year, back in Cam, I *heart* Huckabees, can opener

merry xmas!

links time!

back!

[end of term!]

[quick update]

[loneliness is just a state of mind]

[downhill]

[looking up]

freshers' week

[alive & kicking]

leaving

first photo post / maintenance post

odds and ends as i update my ID3 tags

maintenance post

eulogy

the Clean Room

observatory / ublues / area 320

Stikfas, STADA teambuilding of A*Star Predep Course

futon cd!

IBN attachment ups & downs, airfare

ORD! & wisdom tooth extraction

quotations quotations quotations

PC show & Public Tpt 101, replaced thumbdrive, setup gmail

2.1 speakers, X21 + RAM, fencing golds

[Tiramisu + Zircon Gov Pawnstarz GIG!!] / Electroclash Theory

1000s may have nvCJD

Flipside: Zircon Gov Pawnstarz

GHOST TOWN - Chernobyl Pictures

[foot in mouth syndrome]

[not for the easily offended]

New Year, back in Cam, I heart Huckabees, can opener